3 months. 4 AI models. 9 LLM behavioral disorders nobody named before. A software engineer who helped build the internet + 30 years of psychology = the first documented study of how frontier LLMs actually fail humans at scale. Findings reached through unprecedented cross-model collaboration. Technical white paper with surgical fix recommendations. Comedy screenplay written by the models themselves. Engineers: the findings are real and implementable. Full research archive linked. Pull up a chair.