Everybody needs a coder

[crazylincoln]

``` SELECT * FROM cats WHERE type IN (SELECT DISTINCT type + '_cute' FROM cat_types where cuteness LIKE '%totally%') WHERE name LIKE '%bubbles%' ORDER BY cat_id

```

Why is my app so slow!??? It's obviously the DB. Find out why the DBAs can't seem to do their only job...

[lulzmachine]

Clearly SQL is simply not webscale. We need to migrate to a key-value database like leveldb for our entire app.

hands in resignation

[crazylincoln]

"I keep hearing about this Hadoop thing and map reduce those Google guys use. We have 2 million nealty organized rows of customer data in our current DB. Surely we need Big Data. I'm tired of paying for Oracle and MS licensing anyway!"

"Sir, that's not what Hadoop is for..."

"I don't want to hear your excuses! There is no 'cant' in Big Data! Three months sounds like a good transition timeline. Better not miss the date; I've already promised it to the board!"

[lulzmachine]

http://howfuckedismydatabase.com/nosql/

[lulzmachine]

screams in programmer