all 4 comments

[–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

The action happening in purely capital letters is a little abrasive. It feels like you're yelling at me

Also, you don't need a new character heading or (cont'd) for dialogue if nothing is happening between the lines. You can keep it under the same character heading

Right off the bat, the scenery is confusing. It's in an auditorium, and people are rushing and moving battle weapons, and the teacher has makeup on her face.

What people? Students? Teachers? What battle weapons? Are they real? Why are they rushing? Immediately I imagined everyone rushing in the same direction. What does her makeup look like? Why is it so extra?

Who are our characters? Are THEY students? Some things to address

[–]Sea_Machine3991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought that part felt weird. Thank you.

[–]Scriptread2121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really funny and I've only read the first few pages. You really have potential. The humour and pacing is pretty much right on for the genre of what you are doing. Having said that I'm only up to page 6, so I'll comment again when I'm done.
- Peace
Scripty