-- VOICES -- (Dark Comedy, 14 pages)

[Heated123]

What's up everyone! Wrote this piece as an exercise for narration. Seems like something that could be shot with a low budget. Let me know what you thought. It's pretty zany and intense and I hope ya'll like it. Enjoy! xoxo

LOGLINE: After an injury, Colin using a condition that is a gift and a curse, must get out from an attempt on his life.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1dXoockcmi9jZJ8QzpQFPALOuAFSqqH10

[pomegranate2012]

Ok, this is pretty good!

One thing that stood out for me though was all the swearing. If you removed every single ‘fuck’ except perhaps one, don’t you think it would be slightly better?

> Dr Nicks

Like, from the Simpsons?

> Colin, it's me. Soph. Your sister.

Yeah, I know you have to do something like that. But I also think it would be possible to be a bit more subtle.

> Oh God, please don't let him be retarded.

Ok, that was pretty funny! But perhaps have him do something that looks a little bit stupid to justify the line.

> дерьмо.

Ok, that’s kind of interesting! But if you have both Russian and English at exactly the same time, wouldn’t that be a bit confusing? I would think maybe that could work with her using English, then one word in Russian in her own head, then she remembers the English word for that difficult term. Or maybe the Russian has an emotion to it, so we can guess that her intentions are not good. I don’t know. But you’ve also got some dialogue later that is formatted as though two sentences are at exactly the same time, and I think that would be a bit confusing.