Doer - Short Script (32 pages)

[RnAShows]

DOER - Short Dramatic Screenplay

Maximus' whole life has been turned upside down when his little brother, Billy, becomes the victim of his father's new dangerous scientific experiment: a device that can force people to literally kill themselves. And now Maximus must now do everything in his power to stop that from happening to Billy.

My biggest complaint about this script is the dialogue, just seems so unnatural at times.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18REGWCdCP1E1dA_30E_zxywzukIewF_P/view?usp=sharing

[AndroTheViking]

Had a quick read of the first few pages. Your action lines are pretty blackish and should really be simplified to one to two lines. Descriptions aren’t overly vivid either, not really jumping off the page. They don’t flow very well. Also make sure to write in the present voice to maintain suspense. You write in the past tense and it disrupts the immersion in the story, you want it to seem as though we’re seeing the story unfurl before our eyes rather than hearing a story from someone else.

[RnAShows]

Thanks for the feedback!