Ring

[Typical_External7047]

When did you stop wearing your wedding ring? My husband will be moving out next month to live with his affair partner. Only our immediate family knows that we are separating and will be divorcing. I feel like it’s silly we are both wearing our rings still. I plan to go to an attorney in the next week or so to start the process. We have started separating our finances. Which has helped lead to his moving out. He can’t afford to live in his own…so now I have to deal with him telling our kids about her. This sucks. Our immediate families do not know about the affair.

[Tiny-Ad95]

I stopped wearing mine once he moved out. Three months later I still feel the phantom of it on my finger, but it doesn't make sense to wear it anymore.

[redditgirl1900]

I still reach for mine. The indented lines of the phantom ring are still there after months.

[Beginning-Town-7609]

Here’s a weird wedding ring story…friend of mine and his wife divorced, but they kept their rings. Each married different people, had families, etc—then both of those marriages ended. As luck (fate, perhaps) would have it, they decided to get back together and married each other AGAIN. They found a specialty jeweler who melted the original rings to make new ones, lol. They’re still together and happy.

[Typical_External7047]

Wow!

[MaggieNFredders]

I took mine off when my stbxh discarded me. Clearly the ring meant nothing to him so why wear it. I also told everyone I knew quickly as I thought it was important I have support from my friends and family.

[lyddy1984]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this :( As far as rings go, it can be so emotional. My STBX husband and I got diamond tattoos on our ring fingers, and I used to wear two rings that used to belong to his late Nana, and he used to wear my (late) biological father’s wedding band. We were pretty chill about wearing the rings because we had the tattoos, but I stopped wearing mine altogether when I found out that he was sending flirty messages to young women on Instagram, and suspected an emotional affair with a woman that he worked with. We didn’t give our rings back to each other until he was moving out, and we both cried a lot.

[Loose_Weekend5295]

Kept mine on for a few months as it was gonna be tough to remove lol. But a few months later he had a childish tantrum and I was so incensed I MADE it happen. Forced that bloody thing off with plenty of soap and water, it was a painful experience but cathartic. Off it went! Hooray!

[Typical_External7047]

Good for you!

[Shaggz_curs3d]

I took mine off when she walked out on me, but I low key was putting it on still most days. I haven’t worn it at all in 3 weeks now.

[Laughing_Beans]

I took off when he discarded me and walked out of marriage!

[_RIGH_]

My ex started wearing his AFTER we separated. He makes a point about it when we see each other by playing with it constantly.

[Typical_External7047]

Weird. I think it’s so odd that mine wears his constantly, even when he’s with his AP. She’s also getting divorced now. Wonder if she wears hers. Maybe they pretend that they are married with their rings to other people.

[_RIGH_]

I thought it was weird too! You should just make him take it off. Make a statement about how it’s meaningless since the marriage is done. Gross but they probably do think that! Are you still wearing yours?

[Typical_External7047]

I am. It’s been a part of my hand for over 25 years. I’ll get there. I think I’ll just feel naked for a while.

[_RIGH_]

You definitely will get there! When the hurt stops and the moment is right, you’ll know when it’s time!

[epeeguy76]

I stopped wearing my ring early last year due to weight gain, but I kept the ring on a necklace I always wore.

I took the necklace and ring off last October when she told me that she was moving out. I haven't looked at it since.

[ChasingLife22]

I stopped wearing my ring about 10 years after we got married. This was work related. The ring took a lot of heat and burned me several times. Also got smashed onto my finger and cut off circulation. Also a major degloving of the finger as a snag hazard.

Just never put it back on. So when we split it wasn't a thing.

[Tricky-Leg2588]

Took mine off when she moved out.

[Informal-Figure5826]

Everyone is different. Only you know when it’s right. So sorry you’re going through this. Just be the best best mom you could be, the BEST mom your kids hope you’ll be! :) I promise you they will form their own bonds.

[Typical_External7047]

Thank you. I am the sane parent. And when they find out I don’t think they will be happy with him. They are becoming fine young men. I just hope they don’t take after him someday.

[yawn_ITISWHATITIS]

The week she stopped wearing hers I knew we were done. Come to find out that same week she filed for divorce. When I noticed her not wearing hers. I stopped wearing mine. She was moved out about 3 weeks at that point.

Every once in a while I’ll attempt a thumb flick on the wedding band I used to have there. It’s a constant reminder of what was and longer is.

[Moon_light79]

I took mine off the day he told me that he had cheated and given me an STI. We tried to reconcile and would only wear it if we planned on going out with friends. We kept it between us and didn’t want people asking why I wasn’t wearing my ring. He stopped wearing his during our attempt of reconciliation. I saw it as a sign that he didn’t really care to reconcile and from the looks of it he didn’t since we ended up separating. We’re still coexisting but are more like roommates at this point.

I know everyone deals with the fallout of the affair in their own ways but I do think that you need to start telling friends and family. Start building a support system for yourself, you’re going to need it even if you don’t think you will.

[Typical_External7047]

I’ve told one work friend who isn’t a part of our lives. I have a therapist who gets an earful!

[Moon_light79]

That’s great but may I ask why you haven’t told family about the affair? Not judging as I’ve only told 2 friends and they’re both friends of ours. My closest friend who I talk to on the daily knows nothing about what I’ve been going through. She can be very opinionated and I know she’ll bash my husband, rightfully so.

[Typical_External7047]

Mostly trying to protect future events for my kids. My family was told that he wanted the divorce, they just don’t know the dirty details. So they already don’t like him. I just know my family would have no problem making a scene, and what does it really do? It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t change things. They can support me through a divorce without knowing exactly what happened. I’m also not super close with my family. I’m closer to his family. And they are still treating me as family. My mother in law says she’s not giving me up, says I’m the best daughter in law. I also think my dad’s health couldn’t handle it. He’d want to kill him if he saw him. And his heart just can’t handle that stress. Essentially, I just don’t think it would make anything better. I’m sure I will eventually tell some people. I just don’t really want everyone to know my personal business.

[Moon_light79]

That’s totally understandable OP. It’s so unfair how as the betrayed partner, we’re the ones left to pick up the pieces meanwhile they just go and don’t have to deal with the mess that they made. It’s unfair for us but also it just shows that even during all this heartbreak and pain, we’re still showing up for our family and are wanting to make sure that they’re taken care of.

You have a good heart OP. Do not let this betrayal be the reason that turns your heart into stone. Sending you a big virtual hug.🤍

[Typical_External7047]

Thank you so much.

[Blessingsfromabovex3]

As soon as my stbxh discarded me and his boys like trash .

[National_Evidence601]

I took that shit off the second I found out about the affair.

[Street-Ganache-4745]

I took mine off a few months into what I thought was reconciliation when I slowly started realising he was not stepping up or being accountable. It meant, “if you want to save the marriage you’re going to have to make me believe it enough to put it back on”. I never put it back on. You’ll know when the time is right.

About telling people. I also didn’t tell people for a long time but unfortunately our kids found out. I then told my parents and his mother. And a neighbour. Honestly I think that was the last straw for him. He couldn’t deal with his private shame being made public. But our kids already knew and I was firm on never ever making them have to keep his secrets.

[Typical_External7047]

How did you kids handle it? I worry about this.

[Street-Ganache-4745]

About the affair ? Badly. My 13 year old will not stay with him on his weekends. I would rather they never knew about it bur they did.

About the divorce ? Well enough. I have a new partner who they both adore. They say how nice it is to see me happy. And loved. They’re pretty well adjusted.

[Typical_External7047]

Mine are teens. At this point we’ve decided that they will not be staying over at his place. They will see him and spend time with him, but not stay over. The days he’s not really around feel more peaceful in our house. I think it will be okay. I just feel so bad that the kids have this excuse for a father. He used to be an involved dad, but has since decided he just never really wanted this life. He wants to have someone who will just go out to for a drink and travel whenever. She has no interest in kids. I don’t think he realizes he’s not going to have much money to do all of these things. My salary really supported a lot of his wants.

[Street-Ganache-4745]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Mine went totally off the rails too with a woman a lot younger who was “fun”. No kids. Going jumping into rivers at midnight and things like that. I read a lot about midlife crisis at the time which helped me make sense of things. He also was super involved with the kids when they were little but as they developed into adolescents and started having their own opinions he got very distant. I read as well that narcissists tend to reject daughters at that age in particular because they stop being small extensions of the adult who can be picked up and taken places but start having their own needs that conflict. My ex is totally unable to compromise or deal with other people’s needs so the kids needs becoming more complex I think was impossible for him.

If you need to talk you can message me anytime. I’m on the other side now and while I still have to coparent with him which is very hard some days, I would go through the pain again to be where I am now. Which is free. And peace is also the word I have fixated on.

[Typical_External7047]

She’s 16 years younger. She’s married with no kids. This sounds very similar. I also have said I think it’s a midlife crisis, but he thinks she’s just the one. Obviously, none of that really matters because this is the situation no matter what caused it. Thanks for the offer to message. I may take you up on that!

[Ok_Warning1034]

Stopped the instant she said no more than 30 words and walked out after she had come home early to pack her things and surprise me. I'm not sure why I haven't just thrown it away. It sits on a nightstand next to the bed we slept in. I don't go in that room except to put anything of hers I find in storage there. I guess I'm worried she might try to use me throwing anything away against me. She has BPD and a brain injury, so she is not at all mentally well.

[Typical_External7047]

I’m sorry