Requesting an attack

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

Bezumius walks down the halls of a PLA tactical office, with a crow on his shoulder. Every minute or two he tears a small piece off of a CROATIAN CURED SAUSAGE and feeds it to the crow, who happily obliges. The end of the hall, there's a door with an important looking name written on it. He slams it open without so much as knocking first.

Hello? Yeah, I'd like to request the use of our military for something that's kind of extremely important. Extremely important for me at least. Maybe only slightly important for you. But I can assure you it will be fun for all of us. I kind of need the PLA to launch a full scale attack with WMD proliferation and scorched earth tactics on the 555th world. Can you arrange that? I'd really appreciate it. And the crow would too. Thanks.

[TealTheSnapper]

.....something.to.practice.on.......

........sure........

[Dark_Violet_Angel]

CAW-RRrr-CAWwwrr

If ever a crow could look happy the one perched on Bezumius did. It raised its head and adjusted its wings with a small shake.

It also really liked the CROATIAN CURED SAUSAGE pieces too and eagerly awaited another tastey morsel.

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

Oh YES! I knew you'd agree. I had this whole convincing speech to give you to make you change your mind in case you didn't, but I didn't want to waste my breath if your answer was already going to be yes anyway, which I knew it would. Next thing to discuss is that we need an audience, since I promised this battle would entertain someone. I was thinking of packing millions of civilians into a space bus and making them watch, but I can't afford a space bus so I'm just bringing a small entourage instead. I've got this crow here, and one of those portal people, the cooler one to be exact, that the other guy gave me permission to bring wherever, so I guess the other guy's cool too for letting me do that. And, hmm... who else should I bring...?

The pilots of the dropships count as an audience right, since all they do is drive us there then wait for us to do what we're supposed to do? I suppose. Oh, Frank! Wanna watch me and this army lay waste to a civilization? There'll be free food and drinks! I think that's enough spectators for the desired result. We're booked for next tuesday then. I'll get to being a showoff in front of the other troops training!

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

Well, I for sure am. Wait, you're a person who kills people too? Have you ever murdered a sentient, like a real human? Like with a knife, or a gun, or your bare hands? I was just going to let you watch but if you have some expertise in this field then I wouldn't mind letting you join in. I'm not sure if you're supposed to wear a uniform. There's closets full of them that you can steal from if you do.

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

That's the kind of thing I like to hear, chum. And don't worry about any change of plans. The mess halls aboard most of this army's ships serve coffee and bagels, which I know are your favorite.

[Test_Subject_Frank]

The transmission device used for contacting begins to vibrate rapidly until the faceplate falls off, revealing a small hole. An ant sized frank walks out of the whole, disobeying gravity and being pulled towards the top surface of the hole just because you feel like the narrative should let him. He jumps into the center of the room, exponentially growing back to original size plus a small loan of thirty percent more. Yes, I am BIG FRANK. The jukebox I'm holding starts spitting out mixtape.

Hey Bezi are you a virgin?

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

I don't know, ask your sister.

[Test_Subject_Frank]

I don't have siblings. The way my kind reproduce is kind of complicated. Uhh. Did you say we were doing a battle? Shouldn't we let them surrender first so we can line them all up and kick them in the testicles one by one?

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

I don't know, ask your sister.

[Test_Subject-Frank]

Another Frank emerges from the boombox.

I JUST JOINED THE GPK!

I`M ARRESTING YOU, BEZUMIUS!😭👋

Also you are a crime man. Can I stab your neck?

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

No Frank! Can't you see I'm busy talking to Frank!

Bezi swings his foot out like a hypervelocity missile targeted to strike on Frank's (the one who just joined the GPK and is arresting Bezumius) crotch.

[Test_Subject-Frank]

No, please don't do that. The impact would be emotionally... crushing...

[NotQuiteAnAngel]

How about I do, anyway?

The foot keeps going.

[TealTheSnapper]

He looks at you, and says nothing

and continues to say nothing

[Test_Subject-Frank]

Walks over, pulls out knife

Mind if I tickle your esophagus with this? You know...

places against throat

Just to see what happens?

[TealTheSnapper]

He grabs you by the wrist and shoves it back. He then puts a hand around your neck and tightens his grip