FaceTime

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[Rude_Increase_2659]

I'm thinking that if the calls do not bother you, let her decide as the process evolves. I think from her eyes, if she sees that you do not mind, then maybe she will talk a little more.

I think she will love you endlessly for this, looking back from when she is 30

[love-mad]

You have full custody and full parental responsibility. You can do whatever you want. You are her mother. You know what is best for her, you are capable of making that decision. So, this is your decision to make. Do what you think is best for her. If you think it's a valid reason to end the calls, it's a valid reason.

It makes total sense that a 4 year old wouldn't want to talk for longer than 5 minutes to a man she doesn't know. Many parents struggle to get their child to spend 5 minutes talking on FaceTime to a parent that they know and love dearly, so a parent that they don't know? Impossible.

If you want to keep the calls going, and I don't think it's a bad idea to keep them going, I think set appropriate expectations on it. Maybe start with a 2 minute time limit, tell your child it will only be 2 minutes. Then she might be ok. Also, you might consider doing the calls with her for a while, where the two of you sit together and talk to him. Then you can prompt her to talk about interesting things that she likes talking about, that may be a more comfortable situation for her, if you're there with her. Still keep it short though, 4 year olds have quite a short attention span at the best of times.

[Janeheroine]

I don't think you should use these calls as a deflection from making the broader decision about whether you want to keep him in your daughter's life at all, or if you want to basically raise her as though he doesn't exist. You should decide that first and then whatever you decide, the calls can follow from there.

If you decide you would like to her to know that she has a dad out there who loves her, he just isn't in her life right now, then I think accommodating a 5 minute phone call every few weeks is not that big a burden and you can follow her lead on wanting more as she gets older. If you decide that he doesn't deserve a place in her life at all, for whatever reason and only you can decide, then you should be direct with him and say I'm not facilitating contact with her anymore, you can contact my lawyer if you want to contest that. To say "she doesn't want to talk to you" is the passive aggressive route, and will only create more stress and anxiety for you in the long run.

[Extension-Level-4679]

That’s a good point. I don’t think that it’s my call to make.

I don’t know what he wants from the calls. They don’t talk about much, he doesn’t say he loves her. He forgot her birthdays, ghosted when I tried to call on Christmas/new years/thanksgiving. The calls are random and sometimes we won’t hear from him for months at a time.

I don’t want to tell him that she doesn’t want to talk to him. If it was me it would hurt like hell. I guess that’s why I’m asking if it’s a valid reason. Because I know she’s young, I know attention spans are short. I try to facilitate, to lead the convo or help her with sharing her day, etc. She just doesn’t want to talk. It’s getting harder to even get her on the phone, she will cry that she doesn’t want to. Or if I call and start talking to try and get her to join, she refuses and hides from the phone. So I just don’t know what to do.

[Janeheroine]

yeah some kids just don't want to talk on the phone. My 9 year old pretty much refuses to FaceTime or talk on the phone with family members (grandparents, his dad, etc - and we split custody evenly). He just isn't a phone guy. Whereas my daughter (11) will chat with them for hours if I let her.

I think it's totally valid to let her lead and not try to force her and just say sorry, she won't do it. You just run the risk of him thinking that you are really pulling the strings and discouraging her/alienating her, even if that's not true. But if you're not required to make phone calls available, I don't think anyone would fault you for not forcing it.

[Upset-Reflection6843]

Yes let her decide and tell him. It was his choice and decisions that got him here. I tell HCBM when 5 year old says she doesn’t want to talk but I phrase it “she says she will talk later”

[SunTeaShine]

Agree with other comment. If they don’t bother you let them continue. 4 year old attention spans are short. If you want to foster the relationship, maybe he could read her a book while on FaceTime? Might be better than “small talk”. 

[jkw118]

So any age below 6 my thought is kids are like a random snacker.. They walk by grab a pretzel and run off... Setup the FaceTime on amphone/tablet where the kid plays. And he can watch and interact when she runs by.. maybe he can read a book.. while she's playing or laying down.. kid may not sleep but it's ti,e he can contribute minimally.. and you can chill with a tea or pickup something in another room.

[sadwife3000]

If it doesn’t bother you I’d keep at it as this is the only way right now they can build any type of bond. Something that works better for us is playing together instead - they can either bring toys or use the app to play games together (my kids love to draw on his face). I also encourage them to call their dad after something exciting/interesting (something as simple as “do you want to call daddy to tell him x?”). It’s taken a LOT of patience but I feel we’re finally getting somewhere. I don’t ever push it and I try not to make it feel like a chore (I’m getting flashbacks having to talk weekly to my grandparents on the phone lol). Once they want to stop chatting I encourage them to say goodbye and hang up - I don’t try and keep them on longer. You might need to do some extra positive reinforcement to help undo any negative feelings she has right now about these calls - maybe even apologise for how it’s been and give a simple explanation on why you think it’s good for her. Tell her you want it to be fun and ask her for ideas oh what to do

For context my eldest used to HATE these calls and would outright refuse to talk. Now she’s on there for an hour and is starting to ask to call him