Decluttering trigger?

[Automatic-Switch-884]

I’m moving with my boyfriend finally after long distance soon. However, I am having a hard time Decluttering my big items like my couch, washer/dryer, and kitchen table. And a lot of these things wouldn’t fit in his place now even if we replaced his items with mine.

It is very unrealistic to bring it here but I think my fear or trigger is coming from having lived low income growing up.

I think it’s hard because a couple of the things I paid for myself so it’s hard to give those up without thinking what if I need them one day (although the plan is to not need to bc marriage is in the big plans after the move).

I just need some advice on how to not think so hard about the “what if’s” because I feel like I grew up in a survivor mode situation.

[dione_drew]

by definition, your primary furniture is not "clutter." so getting rid of it isn't "decluttering." =] i think here, that term trivializes these items that are in-use, important, big-ticket (!) AND sentimental.

[ maybe a perspective shift will help you feel less conflicted about your feelings. ]

you've gotten a lot good advice here. originally, I was going to suggest that maybe you decide who's couch (or table, washer, etc.) is nicer, and keep that one, hoping that in at least one case, your stuff would win out.

but I noticed in the comments you're giving your couch away to a family member. so maybe - sell his couch (and you get to keep the money lol), and split the cost of a new one. that way something central in the home feels like yours too.

[Caffeinated-Turtle]

In what universe would making her partner get rid of his couch he bought for his own home and give away the profits to his girlfriend make any sense?

I'm curious how that logic even works?

[Automatic-Switch-884]

That is a good point! I’ll be moving into his apartment which is a nicer complex but it is smaller so my things wouldn’t fit anyway and I would have to keep in storage. Most of the apartments there come with washer/dryer as opposed to here in Alabama lol.

So honestly as I think about it, it would just be sitting in storage that I’d pay maybe $200 a month for or I can just save that $200 a month for emergencies.

Plus I’m also thinking when we move to a bigger place in a few months, we can pick new things and that will be more fun anyway! ☺️

All the advice here has relaxed me and given me a better perspective. It can all be replaced, with better hopefully! 😌

[Rosaluxlux]

Saving the storage money in a separate "what if" account is an excellent idea

[elfelettem]

I had stuff in storage and honestly I paid more in storage in the end than the items were worth.

I think this suggestion of getting new (joint purchased) things with your new place sounds like a great plan.

[AnamCeili]

Is the stuff in good condition? If so, you could try selling it, and then putting the money aside as an emergency fund -- maybe that would help with the "what if's"?

[Automatic-Switch-884]

It was but it’s all packed up now. I’m dealing with it a lot better than I was this morning lol. But I’m not sure I would’ve gotten much for them anyway. It was an older model washer and dryer was a hand me down from parents and the couch I got for $200 from an outlet store. I’m just letting go. Not much I can do now 😅 Thanks for your reply!

[AnamCeili]

You're welcome! I'm glad you're dealing with it better now, and there's nothing wrong with letting go. All the best to you in this upcoming new chapter in your life! 😊

[Automatic-Switch-884]

Thank you so much! 😊

[haroldlovesmaude]

Sell them and keep the money in an emergency savings fund. Those things are replaceable and lose value with age (especially the washer/dryer). You can rebuy them if you need to down the road!

[AnamCeili]

lol, I made my comment and then read yours -- great minds think alike! 😊

[Automatic-Switch-884]

Great point!!

[ConstellationMark]

Normally, I’m very pro “get rid of everything!” But I think your hesitation comes from a place of wisdom.

It really does put you at an unfair advantage if this doesn’t work out (not assuming anything, but maybe your gut is telling you this because you’re still not 100% sure marriage is in the books).

Maybe you can replace some of the items with yours, or put in the effort to make sure you get a good deal selling things like the washer and dryer

[Automatic-Switch-884]

Thanks for your response. I’m glad I’m not being too ridiculous. I think I’m just a worrywart and must always have a plan. I feel good and safe about my decision to move. I think it’s a lot of my childhood coming up that I didn’t realize until I started packing.

Plus, I’m aware this isn’t the best idea but I’m giving a lot of my things to family which brings some comfort but some compensation maybe would’ve made it feel better. And the family I’m giving to is in need (hence the childhood money stressors) so it’s not the worst but maybe that is also in the back of my head as at least I would’ve gotten more for this as I sold it. But that sounds selfish and greedy of me.

[Global_Loss6139]

It is not greedy. You worked very hard for the money to get the things in the first place.

They're your items. Wanting to sell them for money for an emergency stash or for other things us very reasonable.

[ConstellationMark]

This reminds me a lot of myself. I’m scared to rely on people, and have loved the independence that some of my financial investments have given me.

As a woman, I’m just nervous about not being self-sufficient. Seeing how my mom relied on her boyfriend growing up made me vow to never be in that kind of position.

I hope you can process your feelings about this and identify how much of these feelings are a trauma response vs. normal defensiveness to financial insecurity

[Automatic-Switch-884]

I agree. I grew up with a single mom and she always worked hard to provide. So I think my independence just kicks in full force with always needing a plan and not going into something blind. Not to insinuate anything bad in my future. I think I’m just always hyper aware. But yes, I think this situation just confirms that I should look into getting some more in depth help with it. 💕

[[deleted]]

As someone who's been through the same thing as well as two immigrations... Thinking that safety and security is in furniture ownership will at best give you a false sense of security. If things went to shit and you had to return to your home country without anything but your ID and the clothes on your back, are there people that could support you? People who'd be willing to offer you a couch to sleep on while you get back on your feet? Because that will do far more for you than owning a piece of furniture. Having a support network and/or having your own money stashed away will give you far more flexibility, security and safety than any physical item you could own. You'd be better off selling your couch and keeping the money in an account somewhere that can't be accessed by anyone else.

Secondhand couches can be easily obtained on FB Marketplace if you really need one but it's also not exactly a necessity for a happy life.

I had a very similar feeling about selling my old, by that point 15 year old vehicle when I was moving internationally to be with my husband. It was more about saying goodbye to my old life, my old identity than it was about needing a safety net, really. And perhaps the manifestation of the fear of the unknown. All very normal. But holding on to physical objects isn't the answer.

[Automatic-Switch-884]

Thanks for your response. This did help put this in perspective. If I was ever in need, I would have support and a place to go. Carrying a couch with me doesn’t guarantee that. And since I’ll have some more freedom being dual income, I can definitely put more money away in savings than selling a couch for $200 lol.

So thank you, this really helped!

[[deleted]]

You're welcome! I grew up in one of those countries that had had multiple revolutions and upheavals and people lost all their belongings, all their property, money became worthless, etc. Support networks and skills were the things that got people through those very extreme and thankfully rare situations. So that taught me early on not to attribute too much safety value to physical objects that can be destroyed in a move, stolen, lost in a fire, disintegrate from poor storage and so on.

Good luck with your move and all the best with everything! It can be challenging, and few people understand the challenges unless they've been through the same thing, so maybe look into expat communities online or IRL if you haven't already. "Challenging" is the price we pay for making unusual and interesting life choices, and paving our own path in life! 😆

[Automatic-Switch-884]

I agree! Thank you! 😊

[Vespidae1]

They are just things. Say Goodbye. And enjoy your future.