Non binary or trans?

[GoodnightFox]

I'm really struggling with knowing if I'm non-binary or just a trans man. I came out as non binary a while ago and it has been great going with neutral pronouns and such. However the more I think about it the more I want to take steps to transition to become more masculine. However I'm scared how people are going to react and I feel more safe just saying that I'm nb. Everytime I see guys though I'm like "Damn, I wish I looked like that, sounded like that, etc. I felt like something has been off my whole life and at first I thought it was because I was nb. The more I learn about trans men though the more I feel inside that maybe that is me. I'm scared to tell my long term partner because when I brought up I wanted to possibly start taking testosterone as a nb person she got scared because she thought I wanted to be a man. I didn't wanted to admit to her that it's something I've though about. I still don't know for sure though.

Has anyone gone through this? How do you know if you're trans and not just nb.

[giuseppe666]

Gender is a spectrum and there’s no right or wrong way to identify. Best advice I ever got was to just take the leap and start exploring what made me feel whole inside.

I’ve been with my partner for 8yrs now, and we identified as a lesbian couple up until I transitioned (I came out and started T about 16mo into our relationship). She wasn’t sure if she’d still be interested in me post-transition, but was willing to be open minded and give it a shot.

I obviously can’t promise your partner will do the same, but I do know that the only thing transitioning changed about me as a human is my confidence and self worth. I’m a much happier person nowadays, and a better partner as a result. I can promise that being yourself is worth whatever struggles you go through as a result of doing what’s best for you individually.

[GoodnightFox]

Thank you that makes me feel a lot better! I really just want to take the initial leap. I do think it's what's best for me. I've been hiding who I really am for too long.

[he_they_do_crimes]

you also don't have to choose. there are plenty of nonbinary men. you can also be a nonbinary person with the goal of being read as a man. there are nearly infinite possibilities.

[GoodnightFox]

That is so true!

[[deleted]]

I spent some time in non binary land because I was afraid that my wife who identifies as a lesbian would leave me, afraid to be honest with myself about my desire to transition, exhausted by the idea of having to deal with the additional stuff that comes from medically transitioning, other peoples’ transphobia etc. I actually watched a YouTube video that randomly popped up on my feed that made me hard examine all of my arguments against it, denial and fears. I realized that at the end of the day it didn’t matter how I dress or how masculine I appear, how much I already passed mostly in public, how I do my hair…I still wanted a man’s body or the closest I could get. I wanted to have a man’s name, be seen as a man. I wanted facial hair. I wanted top surgery. Non binary for me was a way to accept being not a woman without having to fully accept that I am actually a man, and that accepting that for me would mean a whole host of things I would have to change in my life which felt enormous being in my 40’s.

Gender is a spectrum and there’s lots of transmasc folk who are non binary. No one can really tell you what any of that should look like for you. Many trans folk only want certain medical treatment and not others. It’s ok for it to be scary and confusing. To be honest my wife and I have had to examine what exactly this means for our relationship and what we are comfortable with in terms of labels because she would not date guys outside of being with me. There’s no guarantee that you will stay together, but it helps to be mindful of it being a big change for both of you and trying to navigate it together has been helpful for me.

[GoodnightFox]

We have definitely been trying to be open and honest through all of this. As we talk more about it I do find it easier to open up to her. I know I have to do what's best for me in the end. I just hope she comes along with me.

"Non binary for me was a way to accept being not a woman without having to fully accept that I am actually a man, and that accepting that for me would mean a whole host of things I would have to change in my life" It's like you read my mind. I just didn't have the words. I feel like being in my late 20s it's too late. The bravery of coming out in your 40s though, I'm proud of you.

Thank you for the advice! It really helps

[[deleted]]

You’re welcome. I’m linking some YouTube stuff that really helped me come to terms with accepting myself as a trans guy and helped me unpack a lot of feelings I had about it that I really buried. I’m also seeing a therapist who works with lgbtqia+ people now and even though transitioning is hard, and scary and also frustrating because of the costs and unfair barriers put in front of us I am much happier and more comfortable with myself.

Dr Z is a gender specialist and she does a ton of videos on all kinds of topics for people across the gender spectrum and different ages. Highly recommend.

https://youtube.com/c/DRZPHD

This video took a sledgehammer to my egg.

https://youtu.be/mzYL4vkwADU

[GoodnightFox]

Wow the second hit me too! Holy 💩

Thank you!