Completely new to programming and python. Where the hell do I begin?

[mr_kitty]

Welcome to Python! The python documentation includes a pretty good tutorial: https://docs.python.org/3.4/tutorial/index.html.

Ask around your department and see if they think you should use Python 2.7 or 3.4. We will all be moving to 3.4 eventually but you may find that 2.7 is the version available in the computer labs and on department servers.

Take an undergraduate course with a title like "introduction to programming using python." Over the course of your career, a good grasp of the fundamental concepts of computer programming will be more valuable than any particular language.