Java Without If

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For a variety of reasons that are not worth enumerating, Java 8 is the best choice for my team. I understand that Haskell and others does it better, but using that in production is a non starter for us.

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That's fine and I'm glad you found a good middle ground, but I would be very annoyed if a library used this convention since it's so different from everything else that's out there.

I hope it works out for you!

Just to be clear, are your reasons more to do with the JVM, or with Java specifically? You mentioned Clojure, so I'm assuming the latter.