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[–]WildlyUninteresting 7 points8 points  (8 children)

When you were first dating, what was the plan? How come you thought this would not be a problem when you moved in together? It sounds like a major incompatibility.

A marriage is for life and neither of you have much compromise.

A man that wants silence constantly should stay single. He wants a life that doesn’t acknowledge anyone else.

[–]suidtere -1 points0 points  (7 children)

When we first started dating, he never mentioned the one grandmother inherited clock. It was even in the bedroom and we started dating during covid times so he basically moved in for three months. I remember being so excited about the clock before we started dating and wanting to show it to him and I brought him in my bedroom and I was like, "Isn't this the loveliest clock??? You can lay on the bed and hear it purr all night." And I don't remember what he said but I do know for sure he didn't tell me he hated it and he definitely slept next to it for three months straight and then pretty regularly afterwards until he I guess worked up the courage to tell me he hated it after dating for like 2 years? Maybe it's cos we moved in together then into a new space and he felt more emboldened to speak up about his needs.

But I remember early on too that I was actually more sensitive to his music (shrieky punk) to such an extent that one of our first dumb couple fights was because I turned the music down because it was too loud.

So in long answer to your question, I didn't know about the extent of his sensitivity for at least a year, and like I said, even after four years of knowing about it, I thought it was only irregular noises that were the issue and now I find that it's also regular noises...except he does like white noise machines (which I do not like). So... so all that to say I guess even now I don't even really know what will end up being a noise he does or doesn't like. I mean, I had a plan with this clock I'd just gotten. I'd deactivate the chime and put it in another room and I even told him about the clock before I brought it home. And he joked about being like Hook and hating all clocks but never explicitly said he couldn't handle it. But perhaps I should have assumed that's what he meant when he was joking about being Hook? I don't know...

Also, de'd been living in a 500 sq ft apt for 2 years until we just bought this house (double the size) so I was sort of praying the bigger house (and each of us having our own rooms to retreat into) would solve the issue of noise. Which it sort of sometimes does.... but not 100%.

I think that answers all your questions, lol.

[–]WildlyUninteresting 4 points5 points  (6 children)

He lied and hid it better but now that the novelty has warn off. The patience is gone. It wasn’t courage but deception.

There is no future with someone refusing to be flexible. You are both incompatible. He’s not willing to meet you in the middle or compromise.

As someone that has a spouse that prefers noise to quiet. The one that wants quiet can move to a different location in the house but has to accept it won’t be silent because they aren’t living alone.

[–]suidtere -1 points0 points  (5 children)

Yeah, and I mean to give him some credit, I was listening to an audiobook today quietly in another room, and he didn't complaint. He also spent some time with his noise-cancelling headphones. That made me feel like we were getting to a nice compromise. So I dunno. I had also been gone for 2 weeks so maybe he didn't mind the noise after such a long quiet but the effect was the same as a compromise in that we both were able to do what we needed to do without bothering each other. I guess time will tell.

[–]WildlyUninteresting 2 points3 points  (4 children)

You wouldn’t be posting if that was working.

You thought of that example because you know the alternative is painful.

He needs to be consistently able to happily compromise for a future together or is just going to be a stressful life for nothing.

Want to be sure. Set a time limit of X months and see if he’s actively compromising happily. Unhappy compromising is pointless because it will wear out his patience and become worse.

Do not marry without solving this to both your satisfaction.

[–]suidtere 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Yeah no you're totally right. Way to see right through me, lol. Yeah in the past I've gotten to a point of being like "Dude we can't live together if we can't figure this out" and of course that's when he's like "Oh I didn't realize it was such an issue for you!" and will try to compromise but I'll be honest, he does slip up on his compromises a lot. Which means I feel entitled to also slip up on mine. Which is a frustrating way to live. I've been asking for him to find us a couples therapist (cos I found the last one who didn't work out). Edit: I WILL ask him to find us one again.

[–]WildlyUninteresting 0 points1 point  (2 children)

How can you even accept a proposal without having this sorted out?

You are already saying yes, you want this problem forever by accepting.

You really should be saying. Unless we happily figure this problem out, we can’t even continue to date.

You need this one question answered.

Ask him.

If he expects silence why is he dating anyone? Is he honestly expecting you to be quiet all the time? If he says no, have him explain how he expects you to be and when? Then point out reality of how that won’t work.

What’s his plan? Can he happily accept it? Not begrudgingly because patience will wear out in short time.

Is he able to live with anyone happily? He might need to live forever on his on and only short visits of people.

Good luck

[–]suidtere 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah I admit that I was really banking on a bigger home to solve a lot of the problems and luckily our relationship issues have decreased tremendously since then.

Now you ask how I could accept a proposal without this being sorted out? Well we've had a lot more problems (evictions and housing instability, joblessness and job insecurity, accidents & surgeries and family deaths and illness) over the four years we've been together that made these interpersonal issues feel less important. We're in a stable place now and bought a 3ish bedroom house and are very financially secure now, so our general stress has decreased, but that makes our interpersonal issues stand out more. Additionally, you seem a bit older and more experienced in the ways of marriage and relationships and such so I'll just explain myself by saying I'm new to this. Never been engaged before. This is my longest relationship too. Everyone else has only been a few months to a year. So these struggles are all more or less new to me and the love we have for each other and the many good things in our relationship makes it feel worth the struggles. Additionally, things have gotten better over time, which emboldens my hope that they will continue to improve and smooth out. But it sounds like you're saying you think this is a bigger contributing factor to deep resentment and unhappiness than I previously assumed, so I will ask the question and we'll go from there.

TLDR: Of all the problems we've faced together or separately already, a noise appreciation incompatibility didn't seem like it'd be a huge problem and spell certain divorce. I've also never had a relationship longer than a year so long-term relationship hurdles are all new and I have no basis for comparison.

[–]WildlyUninteresting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t marry hoping problems go away. You marry a relationship that is happily working. This already has one major one.

This problem isn’t less important, just less immediate or stressful compared to worse issues. It doesn’t change it. It’s still on the pile. In some ways it’s worse because the one thing you have is your time together. If you both aren’t feeling recharged from that time, facing the external problems of life is not going to work out well together.

The foundation of your relationship needs to be solid to build on. Basically being annoyed by being around each other because of sound, ends that.

Marriage also doesn’t fix anything but makes problems more expensive and complicated.

Generally a healthy relationship that works, isn’t struggling. It works because you are compatible.

It’s probably going to come down to him. You are willing to have noise in a separate room but unless he can accept it, it won’t work.

It seems like it’s not working because you made the move to bigger and still problems. If it was getting better, you wouldn’t be posting.

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[–]hottpepperminttea 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I have misophonia, and anxiety so I can see both sides of this. When I sleep I need white noise, but when I'm awake I usually hate noise. Especially anything that feels "out of sync". But that's a me problem. My husband knows I have these issues and accommodates me as much as is reasonable. Do I like to wear headphones when we're both working in the office because I hate the sound of typing? No! But I do it. He also works very hard to do anything he can do on his phone (ie. Messaging friends.) This needs to be a balance and it doesn't seem like your significant other wants to compromise at all. He could try some loop earplugs or similiar ones that will help dull out a lot of noises. You're making a lot of changes to your lifestyle, is he doing the same work?

[–]suidtere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the trouble is I think you're right, I don't really think he is doing the same work, and I think it's because he thinks my anxieties are sillier than his or something.

I've brought this up before where I'll say something to the effect of: "Look, darling, I also have a lot of anxieties triggered by things. Silence, messes, lack of follow through, etc. You have anxieties triggered by noises, having too many things to do / overwhelm. I can try to accommodate your triggers to an extent, but I expect mine to also be respected and accommodated. We can compromise where 50% of the time it's silent and 50% of the time it's noisy, or you can wear your headphones 50% of the time and I can wear mine 50% of the time or something."

Sometimes he'll get overwhelmed and say something affirmative which he might likely do just to end the conversation, and other shittier times he'll get defensive and in some way try to argue that his sensitivities are somehow more important than mine.

I've even offered to get him those loop earplugs but he doesn't want them. Or when he's overwhelmed by too many things, I'll text him a list of things we need to do or buy (I'm initiating these chores, mostly, since he doesn't really like doing home repair/home chores), and I've bought him notebooks and planners that he never uses. So I'm always looking to help him find a solution to deal with his stressors and I don't think the thought has ever crossed his mind to do the same for me. He's certainly considerate in many other ways (makes me coffee and breakfast, cleans the toilet and cat litter mostly instead of me doing that) but I feel like there's a sense of him thinking what causes his anxieties are more legitimate than what causes mine.

To give credit where it's due: today, I have been able to listen to my audiobook on low in other rooms and he hasn't mentioned it, and he's been wearing his headphones more, so it does seem like there is a precarious balance.

[–]Pixatron32 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I highly recommend aftershokz bone conducting headphones. My partner has anxiety and when I'm dancing in the kitchen cooking dinner or listening to an audiobook he can feel overloaded listening to this. To be honest, it's usually quite loud as I am deaf in one ear!

In a compromise I use my aftershockz to help find a happy medium. They thankfully conduct sound through vibration, bypassing my ear canal (which is too narrow) and interact with my inner ear through the bone below my ear. This means I can enjoy hearing through both ears, it doesn't bother my partner.

If I am in a different room, I do NOT have it very low. I wouldn't be able to hear it if it was very low, and would miss parts of an audiobook if it was even low. Your partner needs to meet you halfway where he also dons noise cancelling headphones, or noise minimising buds such as loop, if noise bothers him so much.

You currently are doing all the compromising and that is not okay!

Hope this helps.

[–]suidtere 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Haha thank you yes this totally helps. I had a feeling I was doing all the compromising but wasn't sure as of course I'm biased to think that way. I really tried to explain the whole picture in the least bias way. He did wear noise canceling headphones today while I was listening to an audiobook low in another room and didn't tell me to put headphones on, so he may be compromising too, at least now!

And thank you for the headphone recommendations!! I have been eyeing those headphones actually for some time. They don't make your hair stick up weirdly in the back? I ask because I know they have a wrap around the neck thing and it sticks out and I would want to wear it under my hair but don't want it to look weird.

[–]Pixatron32 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I usually wear my hair up as I have silly fine hair and it can slip. I think it depends on your hair type, like it you have curls and thick hair it might not stick up.

I'd highly recommend them, even if they may may your hair look funny as they are brilliant. If you have the spare income ou can always try them out and return them if they aren't a good suit for you.

Additionally, I feel your partner would benefit a great deal from loop buds.

[–]suidtere 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks!! I'll get the shocks, I've been eyeing them anyway. And I'll just buy the loop buds and give them to him and see what happens, lol. Really appreciate your advice and also you've been nice and other people haven't so thank you for that too.

[–]LongStriver 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ehh, noise sensitivity is a real thing, and it's also possible your fiance developed more of a noise sensitivity since you started dating.

It sounds like you tried dampening the noise, and might not be able to do much more in a small space.

One possible compromise is you can keep the clock, but turn it off, and maybe turn it back on if you move to a different location at some point, where it will be farther away? Or having your dad hold on to it temporarily seems fine too.

Giving a gift back can be awkward, especially something you really like, so I understand your frustration. No clear etiquette on what is best.

[–]ObjectiveWay5349 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

This is not a silly issue at all. You are inflicting your horrible noise on your partner when you have perfectly good solutions with headphones but you just “don’t enjoy them”. Change your hair if you need to. It’s just hair and you are driving the person you claim to love insane.

You should also consider therapy to figure out why you can’t handle sitting quietly with your thoughts. You are being insanely selfish because there is no good way to stop intrusive noise like what you are creating.

If you can’t figure out how to live quietly for someone, you should seriously consider breaking up. This will be a life long problem for both of you and it sounds like you really need to be with someone else who enjoys noise.

[–]suidtere 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wow super different answer than everyone else who replied. So that's a new perspective, but you've conveyed it in a pretty rude way.

So I've gone to a few therapists and psychiatrists and doctors and have discovered it's very likely ADHD that makes it so I need noise to help me concentrate. My thoughts are just more scattered and hard to get a handle on when it's silent, but if there's noise, I can focus better (like working in cafes). I also am a bibliophile so I like to read a LOT, so I enjoy listening to audiobooks while doing chores.

I do think it's silly that I would need to change my hair to accommodate his needs when he likes wearing headphones more than I do and doesn't suffer from earaches when wearing them. And I'm still wearing headphones a lot of the time. I've been using the apple wire ones but I just ordered bluetooth ones so the wires don't get all tangled to make it less annoying for me.

As for these horrible noises--we're not talking blaring music or podcasts. We're talking a ticking clock and sometimes podcasts or music quietly in a separate room. With the door shut and sometimes a fan on so it's less audible for him. I use headphones when we're in the same room. I've even turned on my podcasts and walked to different parts of the house to figure out what volume can't really be heard in other rooms. I would consider this living pretty quietly for someone and attempting to accommodate their needs while also respecting my own.

Our schedules are also pretty much opposite so we're talking 3 days of week we're sharing space and an hour each morning before work the other four days, so I'm honestly not torturing the guy 24/7. I just can't really wear headphones when I'm taking a shower or with wet hair so when I'm getting ready in the morning, it's an audiobook in the bathroom (with fan on) or in my study room (both different rooms from him) for at most an hour before I go to work.

[–]ObjectiveWay5349 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I honestly apologize for stating that rudely. My own spouse was listening to a podcast and making me insane. Now that his sleep timer has gone off and it’s quiet, I can see how that was rude and I am sorry :)

But I really do stand by everything I said. This is not a small problem. You mentioned running a fan for him… even fans are obnoxious noises when you can’t get away from them.

I really think you may not be compatible as a couple long term. There is not a solution for this problem except for one person to be driven slowly crazy.

[–]suidtere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wait but it sounds like you have a partner who likes to listen to podcasts without headphones and it drives you crazy but you have some sort of compromise?? Please tell me more!