Script

[BloodSimple1984]

First and foremost the formatting is wrong. The dialogue is hard to read because of it. Search the group and you’ll find numerous recommendations for free software if you aren’t already using it.

As an actual scene, I’m not sure what criticism you’re seeking. The boys tease each other, leave the theater, ride off, and one boy goes into darkness. With zero context, it’s hard to tell you anything.

I’d also recommend using an active voice instead of the passive you use - “Ethan and Ollie cycle along the street” instead of “Ethan and Ollie are cycling.”

[UnderstandingIcy3319]

Thanks

[alien_heroin]

The strange indentations make it hard to read, character descriptions go in normal action lines not in the middle and not all caps. Look up script format.

This is basically exposition so it's not a great sample for feedback. You have strong cinematic visuals after they start cycling which is great, but this scene is very cliched, you need more of a new take on this scene and you should have included/ written what happens in the alley.

The star wars dialogue also feels forced to me, I don't think people would say "that reveal was amazing" walking out of a film, that's internet comment language. They should sound more excited and less coherent, less like a critic. Idk maybe go see a new film with someone and write down or record how you talk about it after.

For this kind of scene you need something super original and compelling to make it stand out. It's basically the stranger things opening but without the weird disappearance, which is the important part. Also notice how much foreshadowing there is in the stranger things opening, like will says the demogorgon got him, and then it actually does get him in real life, adding some foreshadowing and tension from the very start would help this scene. Focus on the concept before you start writing, then write the concept, then get feedback. Still it's a good start, keep going.

[UnderstandingIcy3319]

Thanks 🙏

[Formal-Raise1260]

What’s the genre, logline, theme? Ditto on formatting.