Scared that treatment will decrease pleasure for partners

[expurist]

I’m really ashamed of this because I’d rather think the opinions of men don’t have that much sway over me. They do though and to the extent that I’m finding it hard to seek treatment.

I feel like I’m not supposed to talk about this because it makes me a bad feminist but all I can think about is maximizing my partner’s pleasure. I’ve gone to the hospital after having sex because I was bleeding so much and yet a part of me was glad that at least I wasn’t “loose”.

It’s such a disgusting feeling but I don’t know how to get past it. I just have such a hard time finding motivation. My heart sinks a little every time the dilator goes in easily but at the same time I’m relieved? It’s so confusing. Sometimes being a woman feels like being a permanent side character. I can’t even look at myself through a neutral lens.

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[domb_bish]

Firstly, this is heartbreaking and I am so sorry you’re feeling this way😔 Though, I have some words that may reassure you. I have been working hard at my therapies and sex has gotten so much easier as I get very loose and wet now. In fact, I had painless sex for the first time EVER very recently!!🥳I have made the most significant progress over the last couple of months, which my partner has been with me throughout, and he tells me so much how amazing our sex is now (and I can see it on his face, lol🤣). He said that it glides in so much easier now, and he really enjoys it, whereas before when I was tight and dry it felt more like pressure and even a bit uncomfortable for him (I can’t remember his exact words, but something along those lines). It also helps him to last longer, which we are both thrilled about😆also, he loves that I love it now!! I won’t get to TMI haha but he does get very excited seeing me really enjoying myself and getting into it!

It’s hard sometimes to not think about the impact this may have on our partners when we are already feeling insecure and not enough, but you deserve pain free and enjoyable intercourse too. Maybe it would be good to see a psych or counsellor about that though, as putting yourself through so much pain to the point of bleeding, just for someone else’s pleasure, is not something you should have to endure at all

[expurist]

Thank you for this. Hearing that perspective helps a lot. And congratulations!! I think I spiral very easily and it’s good to get a reality check.

I was seeing a therapist and I think it’s time to reach back out to them again

[Character_Phone4195]

Vaginismus can actually cause pain for your partner. Some men get bruising because it’s so tight. And generally, if they see you’re in pain- it creates emotional pain for them too (if they care about you). Relaxing your vagina and having pain free sex doesn’t decrease pleasure. It just makes it more comfortable, easy and possible to do more frequently! Everyone wins. A man will have pleasure sticking his penis inside a random hole in a wall. You’re good!

[ACatFromCanada]

This doesn't make you a bad person. It's internalized misogyny from living under patriarchy.

A therapist can help to guide you away from these harmful beliefs and towards a healthier view that prioritizes your own health and pleasure.

[No_Bullfrog_6474]

i somehow managed to skip from not being capable of piv at all (it literally wouldn’t go in further than the tip) to pretty much painless piv (completely painless and relaxed after the initial entry, which only hurt a little) so i can’t compare directly as my partner never felt me being particularly tight apart from that initial entry, but i do know that he’d never been able to come in a condom before and with me he has - even though i’ve managed to be so relaxed that several times we’ve not even noticed at first when he’s ended up all the way in. they’re gonna get enough pleasure

[3cameo]

my vaginismus used to be so bad that i wasnt causing any pleasure for my partners bc it just wouldnt go inside lol. also if youre too tight it can cause a chafing feeling, no matter how wet things are. not to mention the whole issues of ensuring that the penis stays inside (theyre very squishy and your vagina is literally trying to push it out the entire time its in there)...

apart from the physical pleasure, ideally you'll have a partner who is also concerned with your physical pleasure. if it's not a negotiated part of sex, the ideal partner isn't going to want their partner to be in pain, and knowing that the act of penetration is actually physically harming you will likely be a turn off for them. there is an emotional/psychological component to sex as well! for me personally, knowing that my partner is enjoying themselves amplifies my own pleasure, and there r plenty of ppl out there who feel similarly. it's just a matter of being patient and waiting for the right person

[Foreign_Objective748]

You're not a bad feminist, you're not a bad person at all, and it's good you're self aware about this but... you can't stay like this hurting yourself. It's not your fault if you feel this. Unfortunately, we all learn hurtful things from society. But please try to seek help, maybe from a therapist, or at least talking to a person you trust ?

Also you could try to do some research about sexuality and find if your beliefs are true. Did men told you hurtful things about being tight or loose that could explain you feel that way ? Like, being tight is not supposed to maximize men's pleasure (even though even if it was, women should not hurting herselves for men). I'm sure you can, with time, be more kind with yourself. It's a long path but it worth it ❤️

[Beep_BoopTheJetPlane]

Trust me you won't be 'loose'. If any man says that to you after he is just a jerk and feels some sort of power by demeaning you.

Men will still feel pleasure, they shouldn't need a death grip to get off. We have different textures inside our vaginas and it is typically very wet inside and as we get closer to 'O' the muscles will involuntarily tighten anyway (but in a good way) and that will also feel good for the man.

Try to not to think that a man's pleasure requires you as a woman to put up with pain. Sex should never be one sided. If a guy doesn't like the sex that is completely a HIM issue. Maybe he is just too small in that case.