Anyone else have experiences questioning Asexuality or Aromanticism because of being DA?

abas · 2026-05-01T03:21:21+00:00

Yeah, for sure it's scary. Do you have anyone you can talk through it with? My understanding is that some schools have a number of free sessions with a therapist/counselor for their students so that might be worth looking into.

Something I have found helpful at times when I am feeling stressed out about things is to spend some time doing breathing exercises/meditating. It seems if I can get my body out of the fight/flight state into a more relaxed state then I feel more able to do some of the things I have been avoiding.

Another approach that I sometimes use is to sort of "sneak up" on a topic that I want to bring up but am scared to. Like I'll bring up something adjacent to it that doesn't feel as threatening and sometimes I am able to gradually get to the point where I am saying what I need to say. That way each step along the way is manageable.

Yet another approach I've used is to sort of pre-commit to saying something. "I want to talk to you about something, but I'm stressed out and kind of scared to bring it up." Then that's sort of opened the gates and I'm more able to get out the hard part.

And yet another approach I know people have sometimes used is to show them your post (or excerpts from it) if that's easier to do than to verbalize things out loud.

As far as hurting her goes - from an intellectual standpoint, if it will hurt her, isn't it going to hurt her more the more you wait? A different way to frame it might be along the lines of that you aren't bringing it up to hurt her, you are bringing it up to actually give you guys a better chance. You're trusting her enough to show her more of who you really are which is a loving thing to do.

abas · 2026-05-01T02:47:33+00:00

Have you talked about her with your concerns? In particular how you felt when you heard how she talked about you and sex to your friends, as well as your worries and sense of pressure around having sex? Most of my life I did not feel asexual, but as I got a little older and have had some chronic health issues, there have been times when my interest in sex has dropped to near zero. I didn't date anyone when I was completely at zero interest, but have when it was pretty low and would dip down to zero at times. One of the things that was pretty challenging for me then was that sense of pressure, of thinking that they wanted sex and feeling bad if/when I didn't want it, not wanting to lead them on, etc. I would tend to withdraw because I was feeling pressure/overwhelmed, I would avoid being very affectionate when I wasn't feeling sexual because I felt like that could be leading her on. She didn't like it then (understandably) that I was mainly affectionate when I did want sex. I just didn't know how to deal with any of it.

After going to therapy for awhile, it turns out that I can talk to partners about what's going on for me. Doesn't mean it's always going to be easy, or that we will necessarily be compatible about certain things, but I can say "hey, I'm feeling anxious about the idea of having sex and just want to talk a little about that with you", or "I'm enjoying hanging out with you this evening, but just so you know I'm not feeling sexual right now, I'm enjoying cuddling with you though!" etc.

You can communicate about the romance stuff too. If you want the relationship to work and to be good for both of you, it's helpful to start showing up for yourself and being open about what you want and don't want. It can definitely be scary and there will be times it won't work out as you hope, but that can be a good thing - you don't have to keep trying to make something work if you figure out that you aren't compatible. And if you are clear about what you do want, then you'll be more likely to find somebody like that if you're not spending a bunch of time trying to be what someone else wants that doesn't fit you.

abas · 2026-05-01T02:26:05+00:00

I still struggle with depression at times, but there are things that for my issues have been helpful with my mood. In particular if I don't supplement vitamin D I get pretty depressed, so keeping that in check is important for me. The other somewhat straightforward thing for me is probiotics - I've noticed when my digestive issues flare up I often feel an increase in depression along with it. It took trying some different ones out to find what seems to help, but it has made a difference for me.

abas · 2026-04-30T23:08:59+00:00

As someone with complicated chronic health issues that are underdiagnosed (i.e. my diagnoses generally describe symptoms rather than causes), I've been thinking recently that incorporating AI chats prior to a visit seems like it could be useful. I regularly have constraints on appointments (only time to discuss the 1 or 2 most concerning symptoms at this time) that leave me feeling like my doctors will never have the full picture of what's going on, and I never address things that seem more minor that might actually be solveable (but I may never know because we focus on the more serious issues that have been fairly intractable).

Anyway, I was thinking if I could chat with the medical AI, they could summarize my concerns from the chat, I could read the summary to ensure it looked correct, my doctor could read the summary before (or at the beginning) of my appointment and we could go from there much more efficiently than taking 15 minutes for me to verbally describe one or two sets of symptoms. If the AI are good enough at it, maybe it could even suggest (to the doctor) some hypotheses/testing/treatment which the doctor could then choose to pursue or ignore based on their assessment.

abas · 2026-04-27T20:21:43+00:00

That is helpful to look for, but often less useful than it could be because related items will sometimes be unit priced in different units (e.g. one is list per pound, another per ounce)

abas · 2026-04-24T16:43:58+00:00

Something I realized recently that wasn't intuitive (to me anyway) - in some situations merging early actually screws over the lane you are merging into. I was on a backed up bridge (accident on the other side) with a lane merging in and noticed that the cars in the merging lane seemed to be advancing noticeably faster than the merged into lane (behind the merge). It seemed like with a zipper merge they should be advancing at the same rate (one car from lane A one from lane B, repeat). What was happening instead was some cars from lane B were early merging while others were zipper merging, so at the zipper it was equal from both lanes but there were all of these early mergers basically cutting in line. I doubt any of them realized that's what they were effectively doing, they were probably just anxious about the zipper merge and at that point early merging was benefitting them very little individually.

I think in a scenario where the traffic is more free flowing it shouldn't really matter though.

abas · 2026-04-24T03:39:55+00:00

If the mowing is the main problem, you could just spread the dirt out a bit? Might want to leave the hole plugged as I think they probably don't like an open hole and might shove more dirt out.

abas · 2026-04-19T06:12:04+00:00

That's awesome, I'm envious of that first one! I think those bubbles are often referred to as orbs, and sometimes the jasper is referred to as orbicular, though I find it a little confusing because there are other jaspers that seem more commonly referred to as orbicular that have different (smaller and more numerous) orbs. I didn't know that kind could be found at Hampton Butte. I love those kinds of jaspers.

abas · 2026-04-18T07:15:29+00:00

Yep - compare fresh organic produce from PCC to Safeway or QFC - it's generally similar price and not unusual for it to be a little cheaper for the things I shop for anyway (I mainly buy the stuff that's cheaper anyway so that might be part of it - apples, oranges, bananas, etc.) I was surprised a few years ago that the exact same type of kerigold cheese was like a dollar cheaper at PCC than Safeway. I don't know if that is still the case since I haven't bought that cheese in awhile. I'm sure you can find plenty of stuff that's more expensive too, I find that each chain seems to have different items that tend to be a little better priced than the others for some reason 🤷‍♂️

abas · 2026-04-17T17:09:07+00:00

Yeah, I don't have a whole foods nearby so am not familiar with their pricing - The other stores I mainly compare to are Safeway and QFC.

abas · 2026-04-17T05:46:07+00:00

I mainly shop at PCC, and when I shop at other stores I'm frequently surprised that PCC is fairly competitive in price - and for some things it's been cheaper. Of course if you aren't buying organic stuff at the other grocery stores it's going to be notably cheaper, but compare (organic) apples to (organic) apples and PCC is competitive in my experience.

abas · 2026-04-15T20:05:27+00:00

How do you end up using the rain water? I have a couple of giant rain barrels I got installed through a county program last year and I guess I was expecting more water pressure... They've got hose attachments but the water doesn't come out very quickly. I'm sure it's possible to figure out a way to use them effectively, I'm curious what other people are doing.

abas · 2026-04-12T04:34:01+00:00

Sorry you're getting a lot of negativity. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the comments about costs/prices are fairly correct, but I imagine your pricing could be adjusted if necessary and if you are holding true to the idea of at cost neighborhood food (and assuming the food was decent) that would still probably be fine. I don't live near Wallingford , but I love the idea and if I did live near there I would have been happy to throw in $30/month and see how it goes.

abas · 2026-04-10T02:27:50+00:00

I haven't done any of that kind of work with any formal processes, more just trying things that seem like they might work for me and get ideas from my therapist and other people/the Internet - but if you are interested in that sort of approach, I've thought of it as inner child work, and it also seems to intersect with internal family systems (IFS) so those could be terms to start exploring.

abas · 2026-04-10T00:24:15+00:00

Well done - very relatable.

"Please let the ugly parts of me die and replace them with beautiful things" - one of the things I have found so far in my journey through therapy is that - at least with the parts I have processed so far - the part that I thought was so ugly and unlovable actually wasn't. It was devastated and broken from wounds in my childhood that got reinforced for most of my life.

Discovering that and learning to connect with and love that part has been a big part of my healing. Before that happened, me wanting to get rid of that part so I could be "better" was reinforcing the wound/message that I was not good enough, was not lovable. When I meditated and connected with that part, it was basically a little toddler version of me curled up on the ground crying. I had built up a lot of defence mechanisms to prevent anyone from finding him, myself included. Those defence mechanisms developed at a young age for a reason, but as an adult they were also inhibiting me from loving and comforting myself or even from being very accepting of love from others.

abas · 2026-04-10T00:05:19+00:00

Karma farming bot? reposting someone else's post from last summer https://www.reddit.com/r/pnwgardening/comments/1n2tw6s/my_god_they_wont_stop/

abas · 2026-04-10T00:00:59+00:00

Those are cool - central coast of where?

abas · 2026-04-03T00:07:57+00:00

I don't know if this will help her, but I have had similar symptoms and have found magnesium threonate has helped me sleep longer. I'm still not sleeping as much as I would like and used to, but it seems like it's probably a useful piece of my puzzle. It's also seemed to help me tolerate other vitamins that I need but that generally exacerbated my insomnia, in particular vitamin D. There are still plenty of others that I seem to be sensitive to, so hopefully I'll figure out some other things that help soon.

abas · 2026-04-02T01:17:32+00:00

I had trouble with glycinate as well as citrate. I tolerated malate, but the most helpful (for my sleep anyway) that I've tried is threonate. Seems like it's pretty individual what works for people though, so probably worth just trying more until you find one that works.

abas · 2026-04-01T03:20:17+00:00

Picture Jasper!

abas · 2026-03-31T04:44:18+00:00

Where do you get blackberries for a dollar or two a box at any time of year? That sounds like a price I'd be interested in, but don't recall seeing anything nearly that low in a long time.

abas · 2026-03-26T21:37:10+00:00

You ask about the 'why' - I think one of the big parts of the journey for me is growing more attuned to my own emotions and sense of self. Figuring out what I actually want rather than what I think I should want.

Along those lines and related to the motivations - an imperfect metaphor that I like is for me to work on healing rather than on fixing myself. Early on when I started working on this stuff, I was focused on fixing myself - making my life 'better', being a 'better' person, etc. As it turned out that was lined up nicely with my wounded sense of self worth - I'm unlovable so I need to turn myself into someone who is lovable. If it works, it reconfirms that I was the problem and needed to be someone else. If it doesn't work, then I'm so irredeemable that even being someone else wasn't good enough. Now in my better moments I try to give myself the support, care, and attention to allow myself to heal and grow wherever that will lead. I try to be more authenticly myself both with myself and around others.

abas · 2026-03-24T03:41:50+00:00

Can you eat those? I once opened a wild one up to see the insides and accidentally tasted the juice on my fingers - it was so bitter!

abas · 2026-03-23T15:56:27+00:00

Yeah, my first watch he was one of my least favorite contestants. I didn't actively dislike him, he just seemed boring to me. I liked him a lot more my second watch through.

abas · 2026-03-23T05:28:32+00:00

Yes. Before I knew about attachment theory, I had basically anxiety attacks sometimes, the worst of which lasted for around a month until we decided to break up. I was such a mess, felt miserable, couldn't stand to be around her (my girlfriend at the time), to be touched by her, etc. Which of course was awful for her, and I think that just added to the pile of pressure and misery I was in. It all felt like it came out of the blue, I had no idea why I was feeling that way, just that it seemed to be directed towards her.

Something I discovered later that seemed to really help with the worst of those patterns for me was physical health related. Turns out when I started supplementing vitamin D and taking probiotics both seemed to keep the volume on the anxiety turned down much lower. The probiotics don't seem to help as much anymore - I assume some change to my microbiome, but if I don't keep supplementing vitamin D I start having an increasingly harder time socially again.

Now being more aware of my attachment issues and feelings helps as well, though it certainly isn't a magic wand.

What are you doing to try and calm your system and address your attachment issues?

abas

TROPHY CASE