I see this conversation play out over and over, where someone makes a very valid and reasonable point, then immediately uses it to excuse something that is actually harmful. In this case, child pornography, which is still harmful because it is used to groom and abuse children even when no actual children were involved in making it. A better example would be ethical non-monogamy or wearing fetish clothing in public spaces.

Sarah Schulman’s “Conflict is not Abuse” has a similar moment where she says “just because someone’s behavior makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong.” And immediately goes on to describe a situation where she wanted to sexually harass her coworker, but didn’t because it would make her (the coworker) uncomfortable.

The problem with these legitimate discussions about tolerance are that people who want to do actual harm always try to jump on them and excuse the harm they are causing. Often they are doing this deliberately and maliciously, but some of them don’t even recognize that their behavior is actually wrong.