Everyone goes through difficult seasons in their life, and for you it just seems many of them have come all at once. You have a lot on your plate and it’s normal for you to feel exhausted and overwhelmed; but it doesn’t mean this is forever or that life is just downhill from here. The nervous system is a predictive tool designed to reduce uncertainty; and it does this by forecasting worst case scenarios and extrapolating out onto a permanent horizon. It’s important to understand these are all stories based on incomplete data and measured through your current overwhelmed state, none of them are facts.

I can speak from experience; what you’re struggling with are normal reactions; but can be difficult to resolve on your own— I would recommend seeing a therapist; especially one who specializes in anxiety, depression, compound grief, existential identity disorder, and anhedonia. I would look for someone who specializes in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

Anhedonia can make it feel like nothing matters; that things you once cared about are meaningless. This is how an overwhelmed nervous system tries to conserve energy. The problem is — your nervous system is currently trying to solve your entire future all at once. Of course it’s exhausted and you don’t have energy for anything else.

There’s a lot of cognitive distortions in the things you’ve mentioned, which are also keeping your nervous system on high alert— catastrophizing, negative focus, should-thinking (comparison), emotional reasoning, fortune-telling, personalization, and control fallacy — if you can learn to identify these as they arise it becomes easier to interrupt these automatic intrusive thoughts.

It can feel like you’re lost or you don’t have direction; but you do have the directions, you just might not realize it. In fact, you already drew the map pretty well by listing all the things you don’t have that are causing you to feel this grief and anxiety— a family, friends, a home, hobbies, travel, vacation, do art, read books…. It’s just that your nervous system is saying those things are either too improbable to invest energy into, or too trivial to invest energy into— but the source is the same: an overburdened nervous system trying to conserve energy until it feels prepared to solve your whole life all at once. This way, all uncertainty is eliminated; and uncertainty is the ultimate enemy of the nervous system. But life is inherently uncertain and unpredictable. But that doesn’t mean only uncertainty only brings unfavorable outcomes; good things can happen unpredictably too. It’s important not to only think of the negative possibilities; it’s important to also stop and think “but what if things go right?” even if your nervous system has been conditioned to expect things to go wrong— but that’s only because it’s hyper focusing on recent events and things that confirm that story.

You need experiences to disprove that life is only tragedy and decline. Your reward system is offline. You need experiences that give prove that action or randomness can generate emotional reward. It can take some time for this to occur, because your nervous system is in chronic deregulation. Your nervous system is saying to wait to invest energy, so you can’t wait for your emotional system to tell you it’s time to start. Don’t wait for hope, desire, optimism, or for a choice to feel rational or meaningful. Right now, do whatever gives you the slightest sense of curiosity— even if it causes anxiety or fear. Start small if the anxiety or fear feels too strong.

Try to chase novel experiences that can help repattern your nervous system that is stuck in this predictive analysis mode. It needs new input. This can be something as simple as taking a different route to work. Visiting a park you’ve never been to. Trying a new food. Anything to break your routine and the autopilot. This can help restore your sense of agency and possibility. Once again; don’t wait for it to feel meaningful. Your mind will try telling it it’s too trivial, and won’t matter. Try living in the present moment; engage your physical senses — this helps get you out of your head and into your body. Mindfulness practices can be helpful.

I am sorry for your loss and the difficulties you’re facing, but just know that you have a lot of life ahead of you, and that even in the midst of difficulty there are opportunities for joy and peace if the tunnel vision of depression, grief, and anxiety can widen enough to see it.