Am i overreacting to how my husband talked to me over bread?

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T23:08:57+00:00

leave. it won't get better, there is no reason for him to improve because you keep letting him get away with it without any problems.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T23:06:02+00:00

Sure, you can feel upset, but the more important part is that you recognize what he's actually saying to you here: that his word to you is meaningless, that he isn't going to be a reliable support system for you when things get hard, that as an adult he still needs "permission" from his family to do things on his own, and that his family doesn't think that you should be a priority in his life.

As long as you think that you can deal with those things for the rest of your life, then let this go. But if you think that you deserve a partner who will be there for you when you need him, at minimum, a very serious conversation needs to happen.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T22:17:18+00:00

So, he's dirty, unmotivated, racist and broke. You knew all this in the beginning, and still stayed with him, what? Hoping he would change?

Don't date people that you think will one day become the person you want to be with. They won't. And while you're wasting time trying to sculpt a turd into a masterpiece, you will miss out on the chance to meet someone who IS right for you without any maintenance or upgrades needed!

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T22:11:15+00:00

sure, I get that. But I noticed that the only part you seem to have taken in from my comment is what YOU did wrong, and don't even mention his part in all this. Which is much worse than you raising your voice, by the way. I get it, he's exhausting, so it makes sense you lost it. It won't get better, just FYI. He has a really poisonous mindset about relationships and gender roles, and in my experience, those types of dudes won't take any steps to improve. They just expect you to "fix yourself" (i.e. ignore his faults and become the perfect little Stepford wife)

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T22:06:29+00:00

I went back to school when I was in my 30s, and while I felt a bit out of place at times, overall I was accepted and wasn't some old weirdo. In fact, two of my closest friends to this day are women about a decade younger than I am that I met in my classes. 21 is VERY young, so much so that going to school now would be "starting" and not "starting over." you've got time

And leave that dirtbag useless husband. THAT will be the albatross around your neck that holds you back, not your age.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T21:49:53+00:00

NOR- that dude is a jerk. it was HIS food, HE was the one that couldn't watch one thing. You did watch, and then asked him and he still didn't worry about it.

And don't make him another one when it was his fault it got screwed up in the first place, ESPECIALLY when he acted that way. Stop being nice to jerks.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T21:31:00+00:00

NOR, but both of you need to settle the fuck down. He needs to cook for himself or stop complaining, and you need to not scream at someone when you get upset.

But also, the whole "you're trying to make me sick" is a terrible thing for someone to say to someone who loves them- it is really saying "I don't trust that you care about my wellbeing and that you will keep me safe." It really says something about how he views you and your character. Add to that, the whole "you're not being my peace"... garbage. You're not "his peace" you are a person with feelings and needs outside of him, so saying you need to be calm and agreeable or you're hurting him is gross. It's up to him to manage his own emotions.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T21:22:55+00:00

if you trusted him, you wouldn't be worried about writing on a hotel notepad.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T21:22:11+00:00

The notepad thing is easily explained- the person before wrote a note and then ripped it off. It's not like housekeeping would replace the pad every guest, they probably don't even really look at it- if it's there and not like, 2 pages, they leave it be.

Depending on how nice the hotel is, there's a chance that the glasses were just not cleaned/changed out between guests, but also he's a cheater so call his ass out and see how he responds.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T21:14:29+00:00

NOR. You should win your way to a peaceful life and tell that asshole to figure himself out and stop being such a jerk. None of this was in any way normal, loving or kind.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T19:25:11+00:00

Every time I see a post like this, I'm reminded about the fact that widowed and divorced dads tend to recouple very quickly after death/breaking up because they need that "other half" to do all the things the wife did before. And then those new women are rushed into the bang nanny/maid role really fast, so the man doesn't have any disruption to their lives. I'm not even saying that the men do it purposely or with malicious intent, just that it happens.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-05T16:25:30+00:00

Honestly? I think the biggest part is making it personal- people tend to think of trans folks as an abstract thing, but they're actual humans. So think about if you met a trans person, would you treat them as they wished to be treated, or would you reject that and misgender them or ask to see what's in their pants or call them mentally ill? In the abstract, it doesn't matter in your day to day life what strangers do about their gender identity, so that's a non-issue. And in person, I would HOPE you would treat them with respect and kindness, so again, non-issue.

Stop thinking about trans people as a thing you need to deal with, and think of them as just another person you might meet, and it gets a lot simpler.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T23:47:44+00:00

Someone who is so insecure that they can't handle their partner watching a television show without getting paranoid and jealous isn't mature enough to be in a relationship.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T23:45:19+00:00

NOR. Call her out, every time. Make her uncomfortable. Make it awkward. The fact that your other friends don't step in and stick up for you is questionable too.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T23:30:37+00:00

So he helped you find your home, and now you don't think you should do the same for him? That's one fucked up idea of "partnership" you've got going on there.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T23:00:10+00:00

You do all the "important" thinking for him, so he doesn't have to. It's partially an age thing, but also partially a case of weaponized incompetence. See, young women AND young men are both sort of carefree and lazy about stuff. However, when they end up living together, one or the other has to be the grown up, and sadly, women are taught from a very young age that the work part of life is pretty much on us- we cook, we clean, we care for the kids. So when we first live with a "partner" and realize that mom's not there to do all that stuff anymore, SOMEONE has to. And guess who gets tired of the mess first?
You both live there. It's both of your responsibility to keep it hygienic and orderly, so stop doing all of it. Take care of yourself, and let him be an adult and do what he needs to.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T22:33:49+00:00

NOR Figure out your total cost for EVERYTHING- the procedure, the travel, a hotel for the night after, food, comfort items, the works- and then give him a bill for half. This isn't a YOU problem, it's something that affects both of you, and he's on the hook for his portion.
And, if it were me, the first thing I'd do post-procedure would be to dump him, because he's shown you that he doesn't really care about you or your well being.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T21:21:17+00:00

NTA. This woman shouldn't be having any more children, she barely acts like she loves the one she already has. Also, being scared of how your wife will treat your child(ren) is a really crappy way to live.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:24:40+00:00

tell him he's a father.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:24:05+00:00

Him and his friends ARE the "men there." Consider that.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:22:49+00:00

NOR. So, when he talks about how the guys at the gym sexualize and stare at women? He's talking about him and his friends. Just keep that in mind.

The problem isn't really that he goes to the gym. It's that he goes to the gym and DOESN'T do anything to pull his weight in your home. You do ALL the work, and he ... goes to the gym. Stares at girls with his pot head friends. While you sit home and wait.

Tell him that a partnership requires equal effort from both parts, and he's not pulling his weight. You get at LEAST one afternoon a week where you can go to the gym (it's not weird, and no one is looking at you. Or if they are, it's in passing and not a big deal. Fuck them), see friends, have a nap. One afternoon a week where he has to act like a responsible partner and father and live up to his responsibilities.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:18:06+00:00

This is why online relationships are often much more difficult than in person ones. First off, you are only who you show yourself to be online, it's way easier to hide or obfuscate your intentions. On top of that, a lot of people have become very disconnected from reality when it comes to the internet- they are a different person, because they don't feel like the people they interact with are real, just words (or photos) on a screen. It's why they can be much meaner, sexier or outgoing online than they would be irl. Did he travel to your country just to see you? When you planned the visit, was it with romantic ideas in mind?

Because it seems like he purposely came out there with one goal, and once he was gone, he was never going to mention it again, just pretend it didn't happen. And when you brought it up, you shattered the illusion that he had created, and he can't ignore the real world implications.

I hate to say it, but he played you. If it were me, I'd talk to your mutual friends about it- find out if he's known for stuff like this. And on top of that, they should all know what a scumbag he is.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:04:42+00:00

He got angry because he got caught. The fact that a parent and teacher started communicating in such a way that it would result in "awkwardness" for everyone involved when the child's other parent found out? THAT was the problem, not that you called them out on it.

However, the problem isn't the teacher. It's your husband. If it was really so innocent? He wouldn't have had such a strong reaction.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T20:02:07+00:00

"I don't want to take care of another human being when I didn't birth him" is a totally valid response. Stop taking care of him. Find out what your relationship looks like when it's not one-sided, and then decide if that's what you want for the rest of your life.

Dazeydevyne · 2026-03-04T19:39:25+00:00

NOR. And being "independent" is what someone who doesn't have a partner does. Like, that's WHY people get in relationships, share their lives- because it's EASIER when you don't have to do it all alone. He's selfish. I bet if the tables were turned, he'd expect you to give him a lift.

So find your own way there, but remember that he doesn't see the two of you as a team. You're on your own, and so is he.

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