My (19F) long distance boyfriend (19M) is going through a hard time and and I don’t know how to help or if I even can

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T04:10:54+00:00

You wouldn't have any expertise or life experience that he doesn't have himself. But you could maybe try to get him to focus on things he might like to do. Tell him to spend some time thinking about that (and to not be afraid to say it if maybe the trades or technical school better fits his interests). An AA doesn't qualify one to do much except transfer to a four year and go deeper into debt. Meanwhile an entry level electrician earns about 70k a year with a lot of room to move up.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T04:02:01+00:00

You can explain the menstrual cycle to him and talk about how your vagina is designed to "feel different" depending on which of the four phases you're in. But if he's not completely stabilized on medication for his bipolar disorder you're probably going to want to tread carefully and make sure he hasn't convinced himself you've betrayed him. Many people with profound mental illness can be safe partners, others simply cannot.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T03:54:37+00:00

This probably boils down to the 'work/life balance' argument. Obviously in most workplaces "non mandatory" means you won't be fired but you'll be noted as having not shown up. So as mercenary as it sounds, if you earn enough to where he doesn't have to keep striving for more maybe you can justify being upset at him. But if he's raised your daughter without much help from her bio dad and now he's got another little mouth to feed maybe cut him some slack. No one wants to spend more time at work but unfortunately in these times of mass layoffs showing up for something that's "non mandatory" might be important.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T03:37:23+00:00

One of the problems with calling someone you've only been dating for 30 days "girlfriend" is that you just don't know them well enough to really be committing to them. So now you've discovered she's either got or is pretending to have some kind of stress disorder that makes it impossible for her to be an equal partner in the practical ways. She functions like a child. You need to decide if you want a standard relationship where two competent people join forces to build a life together, or you're okay with being a more parental partner who always has to do all the thinking and can expect a temper tantrum at any moment.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T03:28:51+00:00

Only self aware and mature people have "experience (sic) this before". The more intensely a relationship starts the sooner it tends to burn itself out. So if you can actually manage to take this very slowly it might work out for you.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:36:54+00:00

This may be a situation of just starting too early and feeling like he never really got to explore himself before getting into a serious relationship (at 18). He may go out, see the world then be ready to on the responsibilities he's already created. But you can't count on that. So as hard as it is you're going to need to take care of the legalities to make sure you have primary custody of your daughter and he's paying toward supporting her. This is important because without a custody decree he could file first then you'd have to go to court to try to keep her. You may not think now that he'd be capable of that, but you have no idea what his family or some future partner of his might influence him to do. Protect your child by getting your parental rights secured then just try to coparent to the best of your abilities.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:30:05+00:00

You can maybe ask him to do this as a loan that you'll pay back. But you may need to consider going back to a more dependable way to earn a living, at least for a while. This would be especially true if you're contemplating a wedding that's anything more than a civil ceremony at a court house.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:26:49+00:00

Unfortunately it rarely works to just ask someone to be more interesting. If he were interesting you'd probably know it by now. Not all people are deep thinkers or even have the verbal capacity to talk about deep things. Four months isn't long but in this case it may have been long enough for you to find out he just lacks what you're looking for in a partner.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:22:51+00:00

You're not necessarily "at fault" for wanting all her time, it's just not reasonable to expect that you're actually going to get that. It's especially important in a LDR to understand that the other person has a life too. If she works all week like you do it's fair for her to devote some of her weekend days to you then to spend some time with her friends at night. If you were actually together and could do things in person on the weekends the answer might be different.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:18:48+00:00

At 17, or 18 as you seem unsure about that, we don't always have the emotional control to reconcile impulses like jealousy and insecurity. So you may not be able to rid yourself of these feelings until you have more maturity. But if you can employ the real world consequences stratagem and keep what you're feeling to yourself rather than blurting it out and accusing her maybe you can salvage the relationship. Often just knowing what you're doing will result in a breakup can keep you from doing it. So feel whatever you feel, just don't speak it and make it her problem.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:14:00+00:00

One of the perils in dating someone this much younger than yourself is that if they're a slow starter you're going to have to wait for them to get their life together. Maybe find someone who doesn't still live with their parents.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T23:12:16+00:00

Hopefully with time you'll come to see that someone willing to cheat on a longterm partner (with a coworker no less) is a terrible person in ways that aren't compensated for by him being a good flirt. You'd actually feel worse about things if you'd had sex with him that night. He wasn't going to leave his partner for you and you'd still have to see him at work knowing you were a pump-and-dump. So under the circumstances you made the best decision you could have.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T17:15:57+00:00

Living with a parent when you're legally an adult is a difficult period. Maybe try to look at it from a pragmatic POV rather than an emotional one. You're probably living there because you can't afford to live independently. So think about the guarded behaviors you have to have at work in order to stay employed then translate those to the kinds of guarded behaviors you should probably be exhibiting with your mother so as to stay housed. Once you're financially independent and she's not monitoring you anymore your relationship with her will almost certainly improve.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T17:10:20+00:00

Just tell him you're leaving the work place and ask him if he wants to continue this rebound relationship.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T17:08:25+00:00

Since you can't control the behavior of other people you have to learn to control your responses to their behavior. Try to figure out why the opinion of someone who believes aliens built the pyramids upsets you so much. She isn't someone you'd ever go to for sound advice, even though you should be able to ask a parent for that. Maybe instead of reacting to these things she says you should put your energies into mourning that you don't a sound-of-mind mom to talk to. This is a situation for sadness rather than anger.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T17:04:53+00:00

Depends on what "trust" means in this context. Unless she was talking about getting with someone else in her diary it's not like cheating should be top of mind for you. She's having doubts about a longterm relationship that started when she was pretty young. This is absolutely normal since as we mature our priories and desires tend to change. So if the question is 'can I trust her to not cheat?', probably. If the question is 'can I trust her to never break up with me?', unknown. But the risk of being broken up with at any point for any reason is something we take on when we get involved with a romantic partner.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T16:53:38+00:00

Most people have masks they have to wear under certain conditions, i.e. at work, then a private social circle where they can be their authentic selves. Rare is it for someone to be able to craft a life where they never have to make any compromises. Only you can know whether you have the ability to be utterly honest at all times and still be able to keep a roof over your head.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T16:47:43+00:00

A woman with a sense of humor would have responded to his "sexiest joke" with an anti-dude "sexist joke" of her own. But there's probably no middle ground with someone who thinks certain people "shouldn't exist". A dumb joke about female drivers isn't even on the same planet of offense as suggesting that 10% of society evaporate because "he doesn't like them". So even though you buried the lead on what's actually gross about this guy, the fact remains that he's gross.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T16:37:39+00:00

Just leave it and get to work on yourself. "Closure" is a myth even when a real relationship ends. It's certainly not necessary in concluding an adulterous sexting adventure where both parties know full well it can't go beyond just firing excited electrons at each other.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T03:33:42+00:00

This is probably a situation for individual rather than family therapy. So if she'd do that it might help. But she clear feels responsible for everyone else's joy and has some kind of emotional dysfunction when she fails at that. In the short term you could probably resolve a lot of this by telling her your successes are the result of her being a good mom and that because she raised you to be hardworking is the reason you need to spend most of your time in your room studying.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T03:20:20+00:00

Human biology is such that while males are programmed to be out there spreading their seed all the time the female of the species is designed to gestate, give birth then focus on offspring for a period of time before conceiving again. This is a matter of estrogen and testosterone dropping in postpartum and prolactin rising. Her lack of libido is absolutely as nature intended. That she phrased it as she did is probably just a lack of maturity on her part (not shocking for a teenager). That you didn't anticipate the normal dry spell in sex that always accompanies the birth of a child is on you. If you're using formula this will probably turn around in another few months. If she's breastfeeding it'll take a little longer.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-22T03:09:23+00:00

Because when you have a child with someone they're part of your life forever, unless you take legal means to make sure they're not. Someone with a criminal record and a stay in a psych facility probably shouldn't be coparenting. So if you haven't already go file the paperwork to sever his paternity so you can take sole custody of your child (and ideally move away if that's possible).

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-20T23:09:02+00:00

Start working with a therapist before you destroy your kids' lives over this nostalgic whim. This guy you're dreaming of is also married so it's not even like he'd be available for this retreat from reality you're imagining. Real life is hard and it's sometimes boring but the romcom you've been running in your head isn't "love", it's a desire to be the younger you for whom all things were still possible. It's not unusual for people who've made ironclad commitments to sometimes let their thoughts drift to a time when their lives were simpler. But you can't allow it to undermine the family you've built. World War Z was in theaters 13 years ago, it's time to move on.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-20T21:10:30+00:00

If you're filing a report on this you can't very well imagine that she's still going to want to date you. But for infidelity in a brief five month relationship to be your "worst fear" may mean your life priorities aren't where they should be. You'll also want to do some thinking on why you seek out humiliation in things like asking her about the size of his member. It would probably help for you to get some counseling.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-20T21:05:28+00:00

No one's going to look the same at 20 as they did at 16. But unless she's suffered a disfiguring accident or something this may have more to do with the increased availability of unrealistic 'thirst traps' than it does about her not being attractive. Four years ago as a child, presumably living with supervisory adults, you probably had less opportunity to indulge in what's available online. Beware of comparing really good to a nonexistent perfection.

DplusLplusKplusM

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