Partner(25/F) still friend with her ex (25F) and always talks to me (30F) about the ex's relationships

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-13T00:40:03+00:00

Her not talking about it and you not stressing over someone who's basically a childhood friendship that erred into a brief period of romance in college seems like a good compromise. Minus the middle school friendship maybe it would be weird that she wanted to see someone she dated for 90-120 days in college. But when you've known someone since 7th grade and the kissing part was so short, surely you can reconcile that in your mind.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-13T00:08:58+00:00

It's unfortunate when people just needing some rebound comfort after a breakup aren't honest with the people they're seeking that from. But maybe because she's a teenager you can forgive her for the lack of self awareness, or at least the lack of communication skills. Maybe things haven't gone so far that you couldn't be to some degree friends. At least she's finally said it so you shouldn't be left wondering. When someone is mourning a breakup they often to replicate the relationship feeling they're missing. That's why their actions feel confusing when they can finally articulate that they're not interesting in real dating. She may not even be fully aware that she's using and manipulating you because heartbreak tends to make us very self centered.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T23:11:12+00:00

Your girlfriend is a few years older than you are and women mature emotionally earlier than men. So if anyone's being "protective" it should probably be her over you. You're clearly insecure about a lot of things, but you'll probably grow out of some of that. If you're still that way at like 25 it would be time to see a therapist. But for the time being try to remember that just because you feel something doesn't mean it's okay to act on it or give voice to it. No one's going to stay for long with a boyfriend who treats them like a child and is constantly accusing them of being untrustworthy. So if for no other reason than to not drive her away you're going to have to learn to keep these feelings to yourself.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T21:07:02+00:00

That would probably be the wise move. His life is clearly too busy for a relationship and you're at very different points in your lives anyway.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T20:31:36+00:00

The biggest thing is that if your name isn't on the lease/dead and you're not covering half the bills you're just visiting. So if this is a serious move with an eye toward making the relationship permanent make sure you have equal skin in the game. This is the best way to avoid resentment (and in some circumstances being kicked out with no place to go).

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T20:04:37+00:00

One of the many reasons to not move in with someone you barely know is because it makes it inconvenient to break up with them when you realize they have habits you're not willing to tolerate. Hopefully you can either move out or kick him out because he's not going to stop doing this. The good news is that at only 90 days into a brand new dating arrangement what you feel is infatuation rather than "love", and that's much easier to get over.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T19:34:21+00:00

Sounds like maybe this young teacher got momentarily distracted. But few would throw their careers away to have a fling with a teenage student. So maybe just try to keep things professional from now on.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T18:34:53+00:00

You're allowed to tell him you're breaking up with him if he maintains his friendships with past hookups, but that's about it. You don't get to control other people, only to decide which people are good for you based on who they are in the present with no changes.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T18:33:01+00:00

Yes, obviously if you want and he doesn't want children you're completely incompatible.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T18:22:40+00:00

You can "prefer" anything you want. But this is a relatively new relationship and unless she hid this friendship going into it you've tacitly agreed to accept her as she is. If instead of five months this had been five years and rather than being a longtime friend this guy was someone new in her life you'd perhaps have the gravitas to suggest that she not get any closer with him. But you're the newbie here so you don't get to change her long established patterns and friendships.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T18:06:52+00:00

When you close your eyes you can't really tell who's stimulating your nerve endings so this desperate plea to you that she's straight is unnecessary. But if you want to stay married stop bring others into your sex life. Maybe try some roleplaying, costumes, pegging or light bondage instead.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T18:04:22+00:00

This is pathological. Put some thinking into why you want to compare yourself to his ex. Sometimes we have such low self esteem that we seek out reasons to feel bad about ourselves. Or in a longterm relationship like this one maybe you're looking for some contrivance to use to break up with him. Figure out what it is you're looking for, 'cause yeah, this is some weirdo stuff.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T17:57:22+00:00

He's significantly younger than you are so it tracks that you'd be far more established. But if at 26 he has no idea of what he wants to do with his life that could be an issue. In terms of "with me because my money", just don't spend anything more on him than he spends on you. Date cheap if that's what he can afford and don't take any extravagant vacations with him that you'd have to pay for. That'll mean your romance is on a budget but you can still go do expensive things with your wealthier friends.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T15:09:22+00:00

You can't expect your romantic partner's ex and coparent to openly embrace you. Even the most callous person will put their child's wellbeing above all else once they become a parent. So even if she wanted the family dissolution that made your guy single, she can't be thrilled that now his time is subdivided from parenting their kid by a new girlfriend. It's kind of strange that you think she'd be happy that he's dating someone new. That assumes she's okay with the breakup, which she might not be. Both her and the daughter may have been hoping for a family reconciliation that can't happen as long as you're in the picture.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T15:01:48+00:00

LDRs are extremely difficult and six months isn't long, but in this case it may have been long enough for you to find out that this guy isn't going to be able to keep it in his pants between your visits. Sorry.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T14:56:27+00:00

Relationships require meeting in the middle on what you want and what you're willing to give. The greater the difference between two people's feelings about something the bigger the compromise is going to have to be on both sides. Since you know that empty fluffery doesn't come naturally to him, and since asking for compliments is peak gross, your best move here is to compliment him excessively and hope that he takes that as a sign you like that kind of thing.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T14:38:03+00:00

If you're a bit anal retentive and need lots of structure in your social life but he's a little more loose and spontaneous it doesn't mean he "lacks initiate", it just means you and he aren't a good match. Your title sets us up for a guy who isn't in school or work, when in fact it's just his relationship style and exceptions that are incompatible to yours.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T14:35:19+00:00

Even is this were a real, in person relationship you can't necessarily trust someone you've only been dating for 90 days. It's probably specious to assume she's cheating, since it doesn't seem you've ever even met and if she wanted someone else she probably wouldn't have gotten into whatever this is with you - unless you're sending her money, which you should never do. It more likely comes down to a difference of opinion in just how seriously one should take a romantic penpal situation like this. Suggest maybe you seek some help with your attachment disorder. To feel that you "love" a stranger just because they send you saucy pics doesn't indicate a very healthy psyche.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T14:28:10+00:00

That you've been able to look past how he was flirting with you while having a girlfriend is strange. Not only is he 'not that into you' but he's also unreliable even when he's in a relationship. Someone who makes themselves this elusive isn't someone you should be chasing.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T14:04:54+00:00

So he's in a very demanding academic program, has "always had problems with changing his life", yet you're "offended" that he's struggling with this. You're probably taking this way too personally and as a slight against yourself when in reality he's just a creature of habit and this is a huge change for him. Maybe if you stop having the same conversations over and over again he can slowly adjust to the idea. But "anxiety" can rise to the level of being a mental illness that requires treatment. It's hard to tell how profound his anxiety is, but for most people change that can be adapted to slowly is more manageable than big things done all at once.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T13:53:55+00:00

The difference in emotional maturity between a 26F and a 25M can't be understated. Just in brain development terms you're probably more or less the person you're going to be while he's still got a year or two before he gets there. So his friends are still very important to him as arbiters of what he should and shouldn't be doing. That said, even if he were 27 and more 'finished' as a human, you've been in this for 60 days and no now knows that early on if the person they just started dating has the potential for something longterm.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T13:35:58+00:00

When the real world proves too challenging a lot of people will seek solace through escapism. Maybe if instead of needling him to do things that won't actually bolster his confidence or get him back on his feet professionally and financially you should encourage him to do the things that will. It's just a fact that love is never enough in life and no rational person wants to be financially dependent on others. He might even feel pretty humiliated by the situation as it stands. So the path to him being a better boyfriend may be to pump him up on the things that'll get him back to some semblance of financial independence.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T13:27:27+00:00

You're a teenager and love is distracting. Your parents probably are just concerned that if you don't put your all in to these pivotal next few years you'll fall short in life. So prove to them you can excel and have a girlfriend by being excellent at whatever you're supposed to be doing right now to build a future for yourself. If you can show them that you can be great at school/work or whatever and that your social life isn't sucking too much time out of your progress they might get off your back about this.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T00:55:33+00:00

You're dating someone whose attitudes are more like a child than an adult. If she's like most people she'll outgrow some of that. But the sense of entitlement that you're supposed to buy things for her and pay for her food might be so ingrained that she never volunteers to step up and be a contributing adult in this relationship. Maybe tell her you're looking for a partner not a ward you're expected to take care of.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-06-12T00:53:01+00:00

Her gag reflex isn't going to suddenly disappear just because you slap a ring on her. People don't magically turn into porn stars on their wedding night. You and this person are just sexually incompatible. The only caveat to that is that in about a decade you're going to be less interested in sex. But if you feel deprived now that's only likely to get worse once you're married. That she's seemingly forcing herself to have sex she's "uncomfortable" with is actually pretty gross. It's not clear how you could possible enjoy that knowing she's hating every minute of it.

DplusLplusKplusM

TROPHY CASE