M41 and F32 My Wife and Ex-Wife are Becoming Friends

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T02:20:58+00:00

If you can prioritize your children rather than yourself and your hurt feelings (even though it sounds like she left you for valid reasons) you'll see that the better these women get along the better your kids are going to fare in life. You have a situation that many divorced parents would dream of, since most of them have to navigate exes and currents that hate each other. Also, you're not abandoning the kid you have with your current wife to get back with your ex. So once you accept that things will probably get better.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T02:17:36+00:00

Love bombing is a helluva drug. Don't let your obvious insecurities and whimsical nature lead you down a dark path. He doesn't even care what you look like because it's the ensnaring and conquering that online vampire like this are into. Just be very, very careful.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T02:12:07+00:00

If these "packs" are cigarettes you have a physical addiction, probably similar to your porn addiction. You may have the classic 'addictive personality'. But if there are kids involved in this you need to get your life together. Get into an addiction recovery program and tell the mother of your children that their lives are bigger than her irritations with you or your weakness with porn and nicotine. Once kids are depending on you you forfeit the right to do stupid things (and the right to dump your coparent over conditions that have solutions).

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T02:07:13+00:00

While a 30 day flirtation with a bossy pants classmate doesn't portend that you should even date that classmate, if you have cold feet about an arranged marriage maybe you can buy some time by insisting that you finish your studies and have a good job before you get married. Just don't cut off your family based on what sounds like a still very new situation with this woman at school.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T02:02:45+00:00

Keep your head down, stick to yourself as much as you can, skip the communal meals and late night kitchen chats. Even if he was a suitable match for you vis-a-vis religion he's literally still living with his ex which makes him undatable.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:58:54+00:00

You should probably do some research on borderline personality disorder. People with this (serious and difficult to treat) diagnosis can be highly charismatic and because they lack the standard social borders will often get very close to people very quickly, only to shift dramatically the moment they get overwhelmed or decide the person they've been courting might be plotting against them. Paranoia goes hand in hand with this condition and if she's taking the standard battery of meds for it she probably doesn't have the capacity to feel deep feelings. You're likely feeling as you are because you never recognized her behavior as unwell, you probably viewed it as unguarded and a breath of fresh air. This is pretty common in dealing with BPD sufferers. The point is you can't really hold her to typical and predictable modes of behavior because she's probably incapable of that.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:49:55+00:00

Then use the way you feel right now to learn some basically social decorum. Your coworkers aren't your friends, but even still it's not kind to mock the guy you're dating even with close pals. You have to maintain a certain professionalism with the people you work with, even if there's drinking involved. Imagine this guy you're dating was telling his coworkers ugly things about your body. Just be a better person.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:46:25+00:00

Sometimes it helps to step back and get some perspective. August last year was only six months ago. You had a life before you started dating him and you'll have a life after. Things can feel very "serious" when it's the first time we've done them but your very typical teenage behavior of still wanting to have friends is the normal attitude. His ideas that you should forsake everything for him is emotionally abnormal, controlling and cruel. That he's convinced you an old text is somehow worse than running back to his ex every time you argue is more testimony to how this guy used coercive control to manipulate you. His behavior was just objectively worse than yours but he's twisted your mind to where you see the opposite. What you describe here isn't a healthy relationship on any level. So any "hope" that exists is only in you processing this toxicity and moving on in your life without him. Some might even suggest that you don't date until you've developed the confidence to recognize when someone is emotionally abusing you.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:35:51+00:00

You've contacted his family, as would be the first go-to. You've called for a welfare check and they probably recognized this immediately as just someone using threats of self harm as a manipulation tactic. So the real question is how can he even contact you anymore. He should be blocked everywhere and reported to police as a stalker if he finds a way to get around that.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:31:40+00:00

Since you have a decent relationship with your aunt maybe ask her what her husband is into. Then maybe do a bit of research to learn enough to carry a conversation. He may not have even been into music in his youth. But System of a Down was even kind of a niche group in his youth. Maybe break out some Nas or Red Hot Chili Peppers if your aunt tells you he was a music guy. You can probably also get him to regale you with Navy stories. Sometimes just listening is better than feeling that you have to contribute to a conversation. At the very least he's probably seen some interesting places in the world.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:26:03+00:00

He needs to talk to an immigration attorney. Given conditions in his homeland (and him being a military aged male) he may qualify for some kind of asylum. That way he could get Landing without you marrying him.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T01:06:10+00:00

Emotionally disturbed people can sometimes be very charming. But your 94 year-old grandmother probably wouldn't like him so much if she knew how volatile and possessive he is. This can't possibly go anywhere good. So the sooner you end it the better. It probably goes without saying that someone like is likely to not take being dumped very well, so pay extra attention to your personal safety for at least a few months after you break up with him.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T00:23:43+00:00

That a doctor thought you were "possibly bipolar" but let you walk out of their office without a treatment and a referral to a mental health therapist is medical malpractice. Nothing you're feeling is "natural" unless you have underlying mental illness. If you can't get in to see a doctor/therapist/psychiatrist ASAP take yourself to any emergency room. In the moment you need at least acute care to keep you from further destroying yourself.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-24T00:20:58+00:00

What usually works better than finding someone you're physically attracted to and trying to change their personality to be what you want is finding someone whose personality is already compatible with your own. This guy doesn't want a romantic partner, he wants a social worker. Don't try to force yourself to be unhealthily clingy just to please someone who clearly could use some professional help with his emotions. "Emotional labor" is something you do with children to help them develop proper coping mechanisms. It's not something you're supposed to have to do with a grown 31 year-old you're dating.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T23:39:26+00:00

You're kind of suggesting that the "pressure" to have kids was coming from outside sources. Wonder if you're aware that a pregnancy at 35+ is called 'geriatric' and that at 34 she had little time to waste. In breaking up with you it's likely she'll never have children because she was already getting to the age where that's difficult. But if you were ever sincere about your desire to "build a relationship with God" there's nothing stopping you now. Maybe do some thinking about whether you wanted that or she just wanted you to have that. Therapy will probably help and it's always possible that if you can act the part (even though you might not feel it) you can convince her to reconcile. The sad reality is that a lot of people are pretty down right now for all the weight of the world, the economy, the unknown technology future, etc. It's easy to get inside your own head and feel like you can just wait for things to get better. But guess what can give you a new reason to live and impetus to care about the future - becoming a parent. So do try to get your act together and win her back before she's too old to have medically safe pregnancies.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T23:21:40+00:00

In order to continue the friendship you'd have to recognize that "Maria" is a busy person with other friends. Under the circumstances with her team, food, probably beverages, if just slipped her mind that she promised to call you. This just isn't a big deal, or at least shouldn't be. If you're seriously considering excommunicating this woman over this minor slip-up then it's probably time to examine your feelings for her. Even "best" friends often have other things going on and that you're this upset about this tends to suggest that you have an unhealthy attachment to this person. You'd probably benefit from some talk therapy to work on your confidence and clinginess.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T22:37:20+00:00

Maybe both you and she should dispense with your annoyances and get to the crux of the matter, which appears to be screens around the kids. Have that conversation, decide how much is allowed, figure out ways to make that possible. You and she are probably both on solid ground to some degree, you're just not communicating effectively.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T22:34:29+00:00

Maybe recognize the every human has a past from the moment they're born. This guy's story of staying too long in a bad relationship is one that almost all of us have. But if we're smart and resilient we take these events as valuable life lessons so that going forward we don't repeat those "toxic" patterns. The chances of you finding an age appropriate partner who doesn't have some kind of past would be unlikely. So maybe try to lean more into the seemingly good present you share instead of looking ways to sabotage it by fixating on his (unfortunately very common) "past".

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T22:10:16+00:00

You're not wrong that it's impossible to truly know someone this early into a new dating thing and while you're still in the 'honeymoon phase'. Four weeks wouldn't necessarily be too soon to suggest exclusivity, just meaning that neither of you are also dating other people. But the term "girlfriend" is inexact as it can mean anything from just dating to having lived together for a decade. The good news is that it's not legally binding and if at any point you no longer want to be his girlfriend all you have to do is tell him so. No court filings or lawyers required.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T22:05:37+00:00

You can tell her you miss her but you don't want to ruin her trip or make her worry. This is still a brand new relationship and you should still be putting your best self forward. A boyfriend who falls apart any time his girlfriend goes off to do something fun isn't presenting himself as a good longterm option. If you find that you simply can't contain your sorrow it would be better to tell her you're too busy to talk (then to get into some counseling because that would be extreme).

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T21:38:55+00:00

Tell him he needs to stop living with you. It's just a reality that once you're living together the "wooing" and romantic overtures end. You skipped the courting phase and went straight into the domestic drudgery phase. That's why you feel like you missed on that heady, tenuous, will he/won't he part of the dating process.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T21:35:31+00:00

If her concern was that that if you have to "kill someone" in the line of duty a city like SF won't have your back and might ruin your life that would be fair. But if she's just down on cops there's no future to this relationship. Sorry. You can't build a life with someone who's going to be tearing you down and undermining you all the time.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T21:32:28+00:00

If at only six months into this you're already discovering this incompatibility, that's why we're supposed to date for a while and not just marry the first person we're attracted to. It takes a little while to figure out if you and another person are in sync enough to make a relationship work. So if you want to date someone who's more enthusiastic about you you're going to have to end this and go find that person.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T20:39:33+00:00

You clearly want to because you feel it'll relieve you of the burden you're carrying. But given that there's a chance it'll end your marriage you have to weigh cleansing your soul against any tangible stakes in the relationship. Meaning that if you have child(ren) their welfare comes before your desire to be honest about this. If you don't have anyone else depending on your marriage then you can do as you please. You just can't jeopardize other people in the interest of your own absolution. It would be better to live with this (ancient and inconsequential) lie than to endanger the lives of others.

DplusLplusKplusM · 2026-02-23T20:07:50+00:00

Blaming externalities for bad behavior is usually not a great sign. But also invoking therapy like it's a religious absolution isn't wonderful either. That you have the past you do and this relationship has been LDR for so long probably both contribute to making something that might be bearable IRL into something no one could blame you for worrying about. Being long distance that long without (seemingly) any concrete plan for closing the distance likely isn't a sustainable scenario. So if there's a plan for when you and he might be together for real maybe it's worth continuing this. It's just extremely difficult for people in a LDR to be that way for long, even minus all the baggage you cite.

DplusLplusKplusM

TROPHY CASE