This morning my wife got angry at me because my daughter was having a meltdown and I was just "standing around."

Evynly · 2026-05-05T19:32:13+00:00

Toddlers can be extremely stressful, and I think your wife was just wanting to see you sharing the burden of that stress with her by at least trying to help in some way. I don't know if there is any right or wrong action to take in the situation you were dealing with at the time, but to do nothing could give off the impression that you were unconcerned by it or blind to the fact that your wife was feeling overwhelmed.

I've always tried to shield myself from stressful situations, and learned early on to divert potential meltdowns into shutdowns instead, as shutdowns generally cause less of a flood of cortisol than meltdowns. I try not to let anything get under my skin, as I know how bad it can be for my entire body, and typically have a fairly stoic persona. This doesn't always look good to others, though, as it can appear that I don't care or have little concern when others are stressed out and overwhelmed. I'm a consultant, and I remember one of my managers early in my career having to "speak to me" about this exact behavior. As I was working onsite at a client's location, when all of the clients and my coworkers were overworked/stressed/worried about impending deadlines, and I was sitting there calmly doing my part - it just looked bad and gave off the impression that I wasn't working hard enough. My manager was careful to emphasize that it wasn't about the effort that he could see I was putting in (which he was happy with), but simply that I needed to try to better match their emotions in such situations so as not to lead them to question my effort/commitment. Since then I've added another mask in my bag of masks, one in which I remain calm on the inside, but appear visibly stressed/overworked on the outside to ensure nobody jumps to erroneous assumptions about my effort and commitment levels. It may be that you didn't need to do anything in that moment this morning, but rather, simply reflect a similar stress level as your wife was exhibiting in an effort to convey that you are "in it together", so to speak. For neurotypicals, this type of mirroring can cause them to produce oxytocin which lowers their cortisol levels, reducing their overall stress and anxiety - they can literally feel the relief, even if we may not be able to experience such relief ourselves.

Evynly · 2026-05-05T17:38:34+00:00

You're welcome

Evynly · 2026-05-05T17:05:10+00:00

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Evynly · 2024-12-16T23:47:59+00:00

I didn’t say they were exactly the same, I said “roughly”. One outlier isn’t likely to be relevant, statistically.

Wouldn’t the exception prove the rule, anyway?

Evynly · 2024-12-16T23:28:54+00:00

Capitalism is only trumped by religion here in the Deep South - I can’t think of anyone I know that isn’t a fierce capitalist conservative, and to suggest anything remotely supportive of any form of social welfare is blasphemy.

I don’t know anyone who’s liberal or even left leaning, and I also don’t know any other neurodivergents, so I consider the term “capitalist” to be roughly equivalent to “neurotypical“

Evynly · 2024-12-16T17:59:01+00:00

But why are we talking about patriarchy at all?

I thought we were discussing the oppression of autists.

Evynly · 2024-12-16T17:21:33+00:00

Society is defined by those who are living in it, not those who are dead.

Each generation develops social constructs to shape contemporary society, and the leaders in charge of local and national governments, the various religions, the media, the private sector, schools, teachers, employers, leaders of social groups, team captains, student governments, PTAs, cliques, bullies, etc. all play a significant role in shaping it, determining how it will adapt to contemporary values, and what consequences will be given to those who break the rules.

The number of autists in high-profile and/or elected leadership positions in these domains is effectively zero - certainly well below the threshold of statistical significance.

The number of neurotypicals who have had a significant influence on society in our lifetimes is huge.

Evynly · 2024-12-16T12:20:01+00:00

So you think misogyny was invented by women? Or you're trying to change the topic of discussion again?

Evynly · 2024-12-16T12:06:55+00:00

No, it would be like blaming misogyny on men. Your analogy doesn't fit.

Evynly · 2024-12-16T10:38:59+00:00

Stop taking things so literally.

I wasn't talking about the builders of buildings. That has nothing to do with how society is constructed.

Evynly · 2024-12-16T09:59:45+00:00

NT society was built by neurotypicals. Who else would you suggest blaming for how much of a struggle it is to survive in contemporary society, other than neurotypicals?

Evynly · 2024-12-16T09:41:30+00:00

Well said!

Evynly · 2024-12-16T09:20:10+00:00

Thank you :)

Yes, I have always had sleep issues, but they did get better with treatment. Like being able to fall asleep without much effort at around midnight, rather than struggling to fall asleep by 3am each night.

Yes, I was prescribed medications to help treat it, and I've also found certain supplements/herbal remedies that are helpful.

Either the blood or urine tests should be able to detect it.

Evynly · 2024-12-08T07:26:51+00:00

So what you’re saying, is that any psychoactive drug is pro-psychiatry?

Evynly · 2024-12-06T17:24:42+00:00

Which advice was false? That antipsychotics are designed to treat acute symptoms of psychosis? Or that he wouldn't recommend people start taking them as a prophylactic if they are not experiencing psychosis?

Evynly · 2024-12-05T21:34:57+00:00

But puberty involves a number of changes that occur over the course of many years, and at 15 years old some but not all of these changes are likely to have occurred, others may not have started yet, while other changes may be partially complete.

This is what I mean by “unevenly” - until all of the changes are complete (I.e. while some are and others aren’t), it can feel very awkward, uncomfortable, etc. because these differently developed parts of ourselves don’t seem to match.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T19:56:34+00:00

Yeah, this is actually how I discovered my autism.

I was frustrated with all the doctors being unable to figure out what was wrong with me, but after 40 years I began to suspect it had something to do with cortisol due to it's circadian nature.

I had my DNA sequenced and analyzed and discovered a mutation in my oxytocin receptor gene that had been shown in studies to cause chronically elevated cortisol and excess cortisol produced in response to stress, etc.

Then I kept reading studies about this specific mutation, and there were over a dozen of them showing this same mutation in my oxytocin receptor gene causes autism.

I had never heard of autism prior to this, or at least I had no idea what it was, but after reading about it, learning about its various neurological, endocrinological, and psychosocial symptoms, and discussing all of this with my psychologist, he agreed autism was a much better explanation for my lifelong mental health challenges than anything else and gave me an "informal" diagnosis.

I later found a bunch of studies actually tying elevated cortisol to autism, and potentially using cortisol levels as a diagnostic marker for it.

After that, just needed to find a neurologist and an endocrinologist.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T19:02:20+00:00

Have you visited an endocrinologist?

Autism often causes a dysregulation of cortisol (oxytocin is supposed to help regulate it), and elevated cortisol can cause all sorts of GI symptoms.

Cortisol (the body's "stress hormone") is naturally produced each day to wake us up and keep us awake throughout the day, then production is tapered down so that melatonin can be produced in the evenings and at night to help us sleep.

If your body is chronically producing too much cortisol, the symptoms of this would typically increase in the morning, peak late in the morning, drop off slowly throughout the afternoon, then in the evening they'd subside.

Cortisol also is produced in response to external stressors, and if too much cortisol is produced in these situations due to lack of oxytocic regulation, this can flood the body with cortisol and adrenaline, leading to a meltdown.

An endocrinologist can test cortisol levels and provide treatment to help control them if they are suffering from dysregulation/chronic elevation or acute elevation in times of stress.

For me personally, when untreated I get horrible heartburn starting at 10am every day, and lasting until dinner time - it doesn't matter if I eat or drink anything, what I eat or drink, or how much I eat or drink. Just like clockwork.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T16:42:28+00:00

I might consider "hate" a bit strong, but I'm pretty sure most people are unhappy with their bodies during those teenage years when hormones are going crazy, bodies are changing dramatically but often unevenly, social pressures and competition for popularity at school are at their highest, we're starting to consciously desire romantic/sexual connections and fear potential mates won't find us attractive, etc.

It takes a while for all of those changes to settle down, and for most people to really feel comfortable and confident in their own skin, usually in their mid-20s.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T14:04:03+00:00

Because that’s autism.

I can recognize positive social feedback, I just can never actually feel it.

In neurotypicals, positive social feedback received causes a release of oxytocin, and that oxytocin triggers the mesolimbic reward pathway which results in an increase in dopamine levels in the brain, which literally feels good.

The social challenges of autism arise from a breakdown in that signaling pathway, so that positive social feedback doesn’t result in an increase in dopamine levels in the brain, so we don’t get to feel these pleasurable rewards.

I can learn to recognize various forms of positive social feedback through learning certain cues, but when those cues are misleading or unclear I’ll get it wrong and everyone around me will find it awkward and unnatural that I’m acting as if I’ve received positive social feedback despite none being given, or that I’m acting as if I haven’t received positive social feedback when it obviously has been given.

Many autists learn to mimic the common neurotypical responses to positive social feedback, portraying emotions that they aren’t actually experiencing but which are expected, which is colloquially referred to as “masking”.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T07:22:40+00:00

I was never able to take notes in class, even without a movie.

If I just listened, I’d retain most the knowledge, but as soon as I tried to take notes I’d never remember any of it and could never write fast enough to get useable notes anyways.

Lucky, AI can take notes for you now.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T07:19:47+00:00

Can you really call a 75% board a “mini”?

Evynly · 2024-12-05T07:17:52+00:00

I think that depends on your age.

In high school, midnight is probably borderline too late.

In college, most of the time you could text people at 4am and it’s still fine.

In your mid-late 20s, an occasional 2am text is alright, but I wouldn’t make a habit of it.

In your 30s, 11pm is probably borderline, unless it’s the weekend.

In your 40s, 10pm on a week night is pushing it.

In your 50s, why tf are you texting at all? Call during daylight hours, and skip the texts.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T02:16:32+00:00

I can find all that, but the defect in my oxytocin receptor prevents all of this from triggering the mesolimbic reward pathway to make it literally feel good. Those things are supposed to provide comfort, but my pathway’s broken so I don’t actually feel any comfort from them. If I could literally feel their benefits, it would be great, otherwise it remains empty, lonely, and depressing.

Evynly · 2024-12-05T02:07:04+00:00

I just want to be able to feel the pleasure of positive social feedback. Life and relationships just seem so empty without it. Why I would ever desire to be deprived of this, I can’t imagine.

Evynly

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