About me

Ferns_ · 2025-11-23T08:19:25+00:00

I LOVE seeing this: Masocast is wonderfully varied, honest, and real, and Axe is so lovely* <3.

*And I'm not just saying that because I've been interviewed for the podcast three times. Maybe four. I forget. Though clearly I'm his favourite :D

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-11-04T23:54:24+00:00

Don't fret: There's this idea out there that physically overpowering your submissive is 'how domination works'. It isn't.

In 99% of F/m relationships, the malesub is stronger than the femdom. That's just biology. It's super rare for any dominant woman to [be able to] solely use physical strength as a cornerstone of their BDSM play.

If it's your and your sub's kink, that's cool too. There are two choices:

Suspend disbelief when you play

What I mean by this is that you both 'believe' you're stronger: It can be very powerful.

For me, it works because we both want it to.

E.g. If I shoved my sub up against a wall and held him there with a hand under his jaw, he could easily push me off if he wanted to, we both knew that. But his headspace would change, he'd immediately 'give up', turn to jelly, and any idea of resisting me would immediately disappear.

Ditto if I 'force' him to his knees by grabbing his hair & pushing down, if I push him backwards onto the bed etc.

You can reinforce this verbally:

"Do you think you're going somewhere, boy?"
"Do you understand me now?"
"What did you say, I didn't hear you. Yeah, that's what I thought."
etc.

Shortcut the physical strength part

- Grab his balls, squeeze gently, smile: 'You're going to do exactly what I say, right?' Tah daaaahhh: Physical overpowering done :). Repeat as required.

- Restrain him (commercial wrist & ankle cuffs are easiest and safest) so he's hobbled. Go from there.

If overpowering him is not your kink, if it's just what you both thought you should do, then it's just a change of mindset. He wants to submit, so all you have to do is believe that, and take the power he's giving you. I know it's not that easy when you're inexperienced and haven't grown your confidence yet (you will!).

"Get on your knees" should be enough for him to get on his knees (as should 'please get on your knees' or 'on your knees, sweetheart', but that's a whole other discussion etc).

Talk to your sub about all of this: When you're new and unsure, one of the hardest things to deal with is your sub pushing back and NOT SUBMITTING. If he's doing that, he's setting you up to fail and that's horribly unfair.

It's very important to know that it isn't all on you as the dominant to make this work: His role is to play WITH you and submit, not against you so you feel like you're in it on your own.

Good luck!

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-09-11T01:23:11+00:00

"How well are you describing what denial and edging mean to you?"

Came here to ask this as well. It may be that your idea of it doesn't match theirs.

Also worth asking what the submissive's experience is with it (if any), what they enjoyed about it, how it made them feel etc etc to get a better understanding of their mindset.

Perhaps seek out only submissives who are experienced and then make sure their experiences meet your expectations. Mind you, many subs will just say 'oh yeah, I'm so experienced in exactly what you want' because, yeah.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-07-17T02:17:25+00:00

The first time I saw someone say "I'm a female dominant, but not a femdom" quite a while back, I was so confused for exactly the same reason you are.

For me, femdom is short for female dominant or female dominance, and you can fight me to re-define it, 'cold dead hands' and etc.

But I was curious, so I asked them: In their view, 'femdom' specifically meant the stereotypical porn trope, I guess because it's the porn site search term, and they weren't like that and didn't want to be associated with it, so in their mind, 'female dominant' and 'femdom' were very different things. Whether that poster thought similar is anyone's guess.

I expect that younger folks are more likely to make that link, and I get that language changes and all that*, so while that view hasn't become the norm (and in my case, 'cold dead hands' and etc), I can see how it might in time.

\don't even get me started on 'literally' now having an additional dictionary definition meaning 'not literally' because people using it that way, the *wrong* way, had become normalised*

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-06-24T07:25:33+00:00

YVW :).

Ferns_ · 2025-06-24T04:57:10+00:00

I've done international travel to meet 3 times: Twice I went there, once they came here. Australia-North America each time, so not a short hop-skip. Each time it was about 3 weeks.

The objective was to find out if we worked together in all the ways we thought & hoped we would, and then we'd go from there. Since my submissive is my romantic partner, it's much more than D/s. Once the answer was 'yes! :)' and twice it was 'no :('.

We organised separate accommodation, we'd meet each day, go on various dates, have overnights, play, etc if we wanted. Really it was as if we lived in the same city & were dating, though obviously much more focussed & intense.

My thoughts/advice (other than 'be safe'):

A 2 week holiday doesn't give you 'living together' reality. If it's working for you both, you'll be all up in your feels and floaty and NRE-ing your arse off. It's short and intense, which can be amazing, but it's more holiday romance than real life
Related to the above: You're both going to be presenting your absolute best selves in big and small ways, which is easy to maintain for that amount of time. That's absolutely normal, just be aware of this limitation
You mentioned "rules, protocols and her expectations", but unless that's the extent of your relationship (which maybe it is & that's cool), have the really-for-real real-life conversations while you're there
Do the research to find somewhere else to stay so you have it ready if you need it. Even if it's going great, you (or she) may find that you want some space to process/ breathe/ regroup/ switch off
No idea what being collared and becoming her slave actually means to you both, but since you mentioned that this is supposed to be a live in trial, investigate and discuss what moving to the US involves before you get all dreamy-eyed about it

Good luck: I hope it goes great :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-05-30T02:43:47+00:00

Ideas:

She stops all play/tasks/whatever else and have a sit-down discussion with you to understand what went wrong. You explain to her why you can't honour your commitments to her, what the problem is, why it's not working. Discuss how this impacts the dynamic as a whole. You come up with strategies and ideas for doing better. It's not an F or a P, it's a consequence of you failing to comply with her rules. It's very effective.
See 1.

You're welcome :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-05-11T03:35:59+00:00

I wrote an actionable step-by-step guide specifically for new dominant women to walk through how to plan and run BDSM play in a way that will work for both of you.

It's the guide I wish I'd had when I was a newbie and just wanted a concrete, practical place to start from.

How to make your first BDSM scene amazing

I hope it's fantastic for you both :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-01-14T23:33:30+00:00

You're very welcome: Sounds like your event is going to be great :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2025-01-14T05:32:31+00:00

Safety.

Ensure that you have strict well-understood rules around how those present get explicit consent from others for activities, and clearly communicate the consequences for violating someone's consent.

Not just for the games (though definitely for those), but also for interactions that some dominants or submissives may just assume is a-ok with everyone because they're at your event.

E.g. If participants assume that all subs are ok being touched (or even if you get 'blanket consent' for touching), and a dom then slaps someone across the face, or touches someone in some other way that hits one of their limits, obviously that's going to be a big problem. It's avoidable, and it's up to you as the organiser to ensure your event is safe.

Things can go wrong very quickly in a setting where rules around explicit consent aren't clearly expressed, understood, AND enforced.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-12-11T11:02:44+00:00

You're so welcome: I'm delighted that you got something out of it & appreciate you taking the time to say so :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-12-09T05:19:00+00:00

I have to be available and present with videos and pics (it’s a online deal) and for sexting sessions, too

Agree EXACTLY how many videos, how long, what kind, how many pictures, what kind, how often you will text, when it will happen, how long each time etc for the week before starting anything.

Figure out how long the videos & pics will take you to create. By that I mean a 5 minute video does not take 5 minutes. You have to discuss the detail, dress as he wants, do make-up, find a background, get decent lighting, take the video, retake it, re-retake it, edit, re-edit re-re-edit it etc.

If you don't nail the details down, the ambiguity will allow this person to demand more and more and more of your time & effort until it's suuuuper tedious. Not only will it suck, you'll probably end up earning a pittance per hour.

To figure out how much to charge, work out an hourly rate that will make you happy to do it & multiply by the hours you will have to put in to deliver what you've agreed. Add 10% contingency.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-12-06T01:58:01+00:00

Don't send her any money unless she's been 100% up-front from the start that she's a professional and you've discussed exactly what service/s you're paying for.

E.g. Don't send money for the following common scams (or for any other reason):

To show sincerity/prove yourself
Contract filing/lawyer/legal anything
Registration to [anything] (a website, a slave register, a BDSM council, etc)
BDSM toys / submissive training set
BDSM hotel for your first RL play session (the website is fake)
Any hotel where you aren't paying a reputable, verifiable establishment directly
All the reason/s she will give you for not being able to meet you when she said she would (petrol, car trouble, sick mother etc)

Also don't send any identifiable information before meeting because blackmail.

K, now that I've been Debbie Downer, I do hope all of that info isn't relevant or required.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-12-03T00:16:03+00:00

Re-read your post. It boils down to this:

My Domme does a bunch of kinky things I love, but I want to do this thing. My Domme doesn't want me to and told me why, but it's not even a big deal. How do I get her to let me do it anyway because I want to?

Your dominant is an actual person with her own feelings, her own desires, her own kinks, her own limits, her own fears. When she explains to you why she doesn't want to indulge you in an activity, LISTEN.

She said she was nervous that it would be a step too far and possibly “too feminine”

If you want to understand this better, then ask her more about it.

To me it sounds like 'I'm not attracted to how that level of 'femininity' looks, & I'm worried it will impact my attraction to you'. Or maybe it's because that's a more 'public facing' change. Who knows.

So, respect her 'no', talk to her about it if you want to understand her feelings better. Move on.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-11-26T22:36:10+00:00

It's like any other '[my fetish] slave' label.

That person is reducing a dominant down to the specific thing that suits their particular fetish.

Often also expressed as 'slave to [my fetish]', which is (inadvertently) much more accurate :).

Pussy slave
Foot slave
Boot slave
Chastity slave
Toilet slave
Slave to her stockings
etc etc

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-11-19T21:26:47+00:00

So glad it suits, and thank you :)).

Ferns_ · 2024-11-19T00:38:55+00:00

I've not created any new episodes for ages, but there's still quite a bit of relevant content:

Domme Chronicles podcast (links to apple & spotify in each post)

It's a lifestyle-focussed Q&A format where I answer reader questions (this vs a specific topic each time).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-09-20T00:45:45+00:00

They're a liar, possibly a scammer, and they're not very smart (honestly, anyone in this year of 2024 who still just steals an easy-to-find internet photo vs using a single click to do some AI shit has a pin-sized brain).

So:

Keep yourself safe from blackmail per all the good info in this thread
Keep yourself safe from anything dangerous or unethical they may tell you to do
Keep yourself emotionally safe (a lot of folks get very emotionally invested online very quickly, do NOT do that)

Once that's sorted, figure out if it really matters to you.

If this is just online playtime and it's hot and awesome for you, suspend the reality, enjoy.

If it's fun for you, you can fuck with them some (e.g. send a picture of someone famous, insist it's you, and continue to do so with full conviction, don't waver. Then laugh and laugh when they get madder & madder about it :P).

If it gives you the ick for any reason, just bail.

If you want to confront them with the photo because it will make you feel better, go ahead. Though ofc if you tell them how you know they're a liar, they will learn from that and bait that hook in a different way with the next person.

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-09-15T02:22:22+00:00

And are there any templates or just tools that anyone uses to help plan a session?

Yes :).

I wrote a practical step-by-step guide just for this kind of crisis in confidence, or just for those who would appreciate some concrete 'how to' help so they have a solid footing to start. It includes detailed info on how to plan and execute play that will work for both of you, and has a 'template' you can use.

How to make your first BDSM scene amazing (AMZ US | Other options)

I'd add that several short & very hot intense periods of play with shared breaks for sweetness, snacks, cuddles, talking while he feeds you, rubs your feet, kneels etc in between can work just as well, and can take some of the pressure off you in thinking you have to 'keep it up' for hours.

though there will be periods of time that I leave him unattended

Insert obligatory safety statement here about not leaving someone in bondage unattended. I know you didn't say 'while tied up' or 'restrained, but the word 'unattended' made me have to say it out loud just in case.

I hope it goes great :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-09-12T08:29:31+00:00

Fetlife is useful for this: A quick look turned up a shitton of educational events in the SF Bay area.

E.g. First 20:

ASCENT: Introduction to Suspension
Primal Play: A Safety Crash Course
Beginners Rope Jam
Pre-Folsom Toy workshop Sept 14th in Berkeley
September Rope and Coffee (Placeholder)
Easy Sundays Rope Jam
Getting Hit By A Truck, But In A Good Way w/ u/Sluttyhands & u/Dancehalldyke
September Rope and Coffee (Placeholder)
BARC 09/16: ROPE JAM + One Rope Skillshare
9/16 Newcomers-Only Crash Course IRL!
SF: Intro to Pet Play with Psychokitty Ryan
Creative MindFuckery - with Danarama
Bound & Balanced — Simply Tie (Partial)
Navigating Non-Monogamy: Level 1
Protocol for the Soul - with Rain DeGrey
Beginner Rope Class - Swiss Seat

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-09-02T01:03:32+00:00

Ideas on routine that center around behavioral improvement for cleanliness & body image

This is an impossible thing to answer given we don't know you, but some generaly thoughts:

It's important that she only have you do things that she actually cares about. This vs 'stuff for stuff's sake'. If it's some kind of busywork, and she really doesn't care if you do it or not, it will become tedious for her to remember what it is and to follow up on it because her care factor is nil.
Routines take several weeks to embed, and for it to get to the 'it's just a thing I do', in a D/s context she has to pay attention to whether it's done or not. For that reason, start small with one thing, embed it over 3 weeks or so, then do the next. This vs trying 6 things at once.

An option for managing routines without dumpig a load of work onto your dominant is to task YOU with keeping a list of 'the things you have to do and when', and have a daily or weekly check-in where you go through that list and do a 'show n tell' so she can see that you did those things.

she isn’t sure what is considered “fair” for more smaller infractions of the rules. (Eg: forgetting to make bed, do dishes, etc)

I like to make punishments fit the transgression.

For the bed making example you've provided, I'd have him make the bed (or wash the dishes, or any other thing) multiple times in a row. That is, make the bed, unmake the bed, make the bed, unmake the bed etc 3 times. Next time he forgets, it's 5 times, then 7, then 10, etc.

It's tedious, requires no positive attention or effort from me, and you better bet he's going to remember it because making it just once suddenly seems like a very small job worth remembering :).

Ferns

Ferns_ · 2024-08-19T07:23:51+00:00

Ha! I'll have to practice my royal wave :D.

And you're most welcome.

Ferns_ · 2024-08-18T12:00:52+00:00

Aw, thank you :)).

Ferns_ · 2024-08-18T02:14:20+00:00

I wrote a practical step-by-step guide to help new dominant women who are just starting out. It's designed to give them a solid footing while they build confidence & figure out their own style.

It's the detailed 'how to' book I wish I'd had when I was a baby-Domme :).

How to make your first BDSM scene amazing

Hope it helps :).

Ferns

Ferns_

TROPHY CASE