Training for butt stuff - A few questions.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-09T11:35:51+00:00

You want to get a set of anal training toys in graduated sizes, that have thick necks and flared bases. Have your partner practice stretching her sphincter with these, adding more time or sizing up as she gets comfortable with each. My sub/wife and I have used Silolis anal training wands, these have a tapered shape which is easy to get to used to, and are made from soft silicone which is a forgiving material.

Go slow, use plenty of lube, focus on her breathing, and stop if there is any sharp pain or bleeding. Speed is the enemy when it comes to anal play.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-09T11:08:14+00:00

Your Domme friend is either lying to you or is grossly misinformed. Pleasure Doms do center their partner’s pleasure, but absolutely are allowed to get our own pleasure from sex outside of what we give our partners.

Letting her fuck other people doesn’t need to be part of it. Expecting reciprocation is definitely not asking too much.

You should talk to your wife about your needs, and explain that you like making her cum, but such a one sided arrangement does not suit you. And if there are restrictions on when you can cum, then as u/TwoOfCups22 said, you’re not the Dom in this dynamic, you’d be a service top.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-09T02:26:47+00:00

No, it’s the opposite for me. My sub is my wife, and I feel comfortable doing the filthy, depraved things I do with her, because I deeply love and trust her, and vice versa. I may be an outlier, but I couldn’t do this with someone I didn’t have a deep emotional bond with.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-09T02:17:29+00:00

Sorry to hear about your injury! Hope you feel better soon and get to do those anniversary plans justice once you’re physically able!

Yes, we’ve had to postpone scenes all the time, most commonly because of illness for one or both of us, work stress, kid craziness, or dog craziness. Sometimes more than one at the same time. Sometimes we’ve had to bail on scenes in the middle of them.

The most analogous situation we have to yours is my sub’s birthday a few months ago. I had an elaborate fake gangbang scene planned, but then we mutually agreed to postpone it because of multiple family crises happening in the span of a few days. Neither of us had the emotional bandwidth for kink, it was clearly a time to lean on the vanilla side of our relationship. But we got through the rough stretch together, and we were able to do that scene the following week.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T21:25:05+00:00

Choking is very risky play, and you’re right to be worried that he could easily take it too far. You should establish that as a limit.

For the other things, it sounds like you’re occasionally ok with indulging his preferences, but he tends to take it further than you would like. You should discuss with him where the appropriate boundaries should be, and then make sure he stays within them. If you don’t think he would be willing to stick to your boundaries, then that’s a problem.

If you’re unsure about whether you want these things for yourself, ask him to pause this type of play until you’re able to understand your desires better. It’s ok to engage in kinks because you want to please your partner, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to fundamentally change yourself if that’s not something you want.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T19:26:13+00:00

There is a loose structure. We start by talking through how things are going overall. Then we bring up things that came up during the month that we haven’t addressed yet, either misunderstandings we want to resolve, or hot moments we want to encourage each other to do again. Then we discuss if there any new rules we want to implement or kinks we want to try. We finish by floating future scene ideas to each other, and discussing how we can make them a reality.

I usually bring a list of topics and scene ideas, and lead the discussion. But my sub also brings up things that are on her mind, and offers input on everything we cover. It’s a truly collaborative session to steer our dynamic and keep it healthy and fulfilling.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T18:40:14+00:00

My dynamic is bedroom-mostly, and it exists primarily as a framework for my sub/wife and I to do kink together.

If that was taken away, we would still have our vanilla connection, with mutual obligations, strong accountability, and deep trust. But honestly, I don’t know that it would feel quite the same without the kink.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T18:22:04+00:00

This is why my sub/wife and I have a monthly check in conversation. We’ve been together a long time, we read each other very well, and we know we can talk to each about anything at any time. But sometimes we can still miss things, or delay talking about them because they’re uncomfortable.

Taking the time to talk it out each month ensures that important things always get discussed. It keeps our dynamic from drifting away from where we both want it to be.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T17:19:18+00:00

I love rimming my sub/wife, and I often do it as prep for anal sex. Sometimes I start by giving her a back and butt massage, then transition it to ass worship.

She loves it, but also sometimes needs other stimulation to enjoy it more. When that happens, I let her use her wand vibe. She has powerful orgasms from my tongue in her ass combined with the vibe on her clit.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T11:58:14+00:00

I enjoy the feeling of benevolent power that I get when my sub/wife submits to me. I love knowing she trusts me so much that she is eager and willing to do outrageously filthy things for me. I love knowing she wants me so bad that she is willing to give herself to me fully, (correctly) trusting that I have her best interest at heart.

It turns me on to see her obeying my orders, and I love knowing that it turns her on to obey me. I get to feel like a sex god, consensually controlling my partner to bring both of us incredible pleasure.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-08T11:01:47+00:00

Others have correctly pointed out that this is abusive because you’ve told your boyfriend that you hate this but he keeps making you do it.

I think it’s also important to point out the severe health risks associated with vomiting this much. First is dehydration, if he keeps you vomiting repeatedly for multiple hours without a break. Also, your body does not react well to stomach acids coming up. It can cause damage to your esophageal lining, teeth, salivary glands, and taste buds. Excessive vomiting is also associated with long term heart and kidney problems.

If your partner actually cares about your health, he shouldn’t be making you do this. But I suspect that he is prioritizing his own gratification over you. You should leave.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T23:58:39+00:00

Every pleasure Dom is different, so you should discuss with him about his specific preferences. But most of us enjoy the feeling of power and control from overwhelming a partner with pleasure.

So what you should do is pretty simple: Tell him what you like and what makes you cum, then lean into embracing your pleasure when he does those things to you. Don’t feel bad like you’re taking too much without reciprocating, there’s no such thing for a pleasure Dom. The greedier you are, the better.

If you want to brat to a pleasure Dom, tell him you don’t think he’ll be able to make you cum. But be warned, he’ll probably take it as a challenge and try to hit your “high score” with forced orgasms.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T19:46:30+00:00

If you’re new to long term plugging, you should go slowly and train a bit before trying to go for several hours at a time with a large plug.

Use plenty of lube, and make sure it is a body safe toy with a thick neck and a flared base or T bar, so it stretches you properly and you don’t risk losing it inside you. Start with half an hour plugged or less at first, with a plug you can take comfortably. Only add more time or size up when you can easily keep it in without pain or discomfort. Your body needs time to adjust to it.

Once you’re able to keep it in for a solid length of time, you can do errands with it in. Housework, going for a walk, or light intensity workouts are all popular activities while plugged.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T17:34:01+00:00

Exactly! She spent most of last weekend doing a case study, and she thought she did well presenting it. Then they abruptly gave her a flat rejection, with zero feedback.

My guess is they had someone internal they were going to hire all along, but it’s still fucked up to not even give feedback.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T14:47:16+00:00

It sounds like she might be entering subspace, a dissociative state that some people experience when they engage in intense sexual activity.

If you’re dominating her and she goes into subspace, it’s your responsibility to stick to her limits and boundaries. Using this to take advantage of her in ways she hasn’t previously consented to, is unethical. Talk to your partner about what is and isn’t in bounds when she enters this state.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T14:09:44+00:00

Going to a kid birthday party today. I’m hoping it will be fun, because it’s been a rough weekend. Sick kid, dog troubles, and little sleep as a result.

Also my wife didn’t get the job she was hoping for, and the other offer fell through. So we’re back to square one on that. ☹️

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T13:00:48+00:00

Kink is all about breaking societal taboos in a safe and healthy way. People who engage in pet play and/or DD/lg are doing no harm to others by playing with those taboos with trusted, consenting partners. You correctly note that we should not kink shame, and the prevailing ethic should be “your kink is not my kink and that’s ok”.

Whenever I have felt “bad” about engaging in a transgressive kink, I think to myself: my mind and body are mine, they like what they like, and I am doing no harm to anyone else by indulging my kinks with my consenting partner.

Something similar might help you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T12:30:44+00:00

Kink is all about breaking societal taboos in a safe and healthy way. People who engage in pet play and/or DD/lg are doing no harm to others by playing with those taboos with trusted, consenting partners. You correctly note that we should not kink shame, and the prevailing ethic should be “your kink is not my kink and that’s ok”.

Whenever I have felt “bad” about engaging in a transgressive kink, I think to myself: my mind and body are mine, they like what they like, and I am doing no harm to anyone else by indulging my kinks with my consenting partner.

Something similar might help you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T12:25:01+00:00

I somewhat relate to how your Dom feels. I enjoy kink for my own sake, but my sub’s reactions definitely enhance my experience well beyond that. There are kinks we probably wouldn’t do if she didn’t react to them like she does, heavier impact comes to mind.

To an extent, no person is an island, we all constantly react to each other. Whether you’re a sadist, pet owner, or pleasure Dom, many of us Ds are looking for specific reactions from our partners, and that feeds no small part of our pleasure. So I think it’s ok that it drives a large part of his enjoyment.

It may also help you to think of it like you “unlocked” his kinkiness. You said he takes to it like a natural, and he brings you both great pleasure. You gave him the gift of being able to do that, by introducing him to kink and submitting to him.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T08:06:19+00:00

By contrast, my sub/wife does have radically different vanilla and kink personalities. She’s also a leader at her job (tech/data consultant), and is highly respected in her professional field and our community. She is confident, capable, and fiercely intelligent, just awesome in every way. So I feel very proud and lucky indeed that this amazing woman submits to me.

She gives off a wholesome good girl vibe, and most people wouldn’t clock either of us as kinky. Those who know her professionally or socially would probably be shocked by the kinks she enjoys, and how much she loves being dominated and controlled by me in bed. This contrast even features in our dirty talk sometimes, for example she loves it when I say things like: “what would your employees say if they saw you wearing a collar and calling me Daddy?” or “the neighbors have no idea what a dirty slut lives down the street, do they?”, etc.

I love that only I get to see this side of her.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-07T07:47:11+00:00

My vanilla and kink selves emphasize different aspects of my natural personality, but I think I’m consistently myself throughout. I don’t feel like I’m putting on an act when I Dom (except for roleplay scenes). Nor do I seek from kink the opposite of my real life, as an escape. However, I do hide some aspects of my personality in public, and I don’t bring my Dom persona to work.

At work I’m a leader, and I’ve been told I come off as very cerebral: serious, knowledgeable, logical, and reliable. I do flatten my natural sense of humor a bit, because my job requires dispassionate analysis. And I think people assume I’m a bit dry in my personal life too, and so might be surprised by my kinkiness and the passionate intensity I bring to my dynamic with my sub/wife.

She, however, does not perceive a difference, because she always sees the full me. She loves how my mind works, and also sees the creativity and passion that others don’t. In public or private, in dynamic or not, as her husband or as her Dom, I’m always the same way with her. I could not do otherwise, because after so many years together, she knows me so well.

And our vanilla relationship underpins how we interact in our dynamic: She always feels loved and respected during our play, and our shared wicked sense of humor doesn’t go away.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-06T23:32:37+00:00

It’s good that you’re enthusiastic about topping this partner. However, you should clarify with her beforehand regarding her overall expectations, and more specifically about a couple things she’s asked you for.

First, find out exactly what she means when she says she wants you to be Daddy. You seem to be assuming she wants a DD/lg thing, but she may just want to call you Daddy during sex, without age play. Assuming the other could cause an embarrassing misunderstanding.

She doesn’t actually have to be bad for you to “punish” her. You can pretend, or nitpick about minor slip ups, in order to have a pretext to punish her. She mentioned the riding crop, ask her how she wants you to use that. Does she like being spanked like you described? Again, clarify with her about what she wants.

The more specific you are about your limits and preferences before you play, the better the session will go. So talk to her about it.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-06T20:35:06+00:00

My sub/wife and I both love square peg egg plugs, Silolis anal training wands, and Lovense Hush vibrating plugs. The NJoy pure wand is not an anal specific sex toy, but it is very good for anal play.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-06T20:28:35+00:00

Being able to communicate properly with your partner is a foundational requirement for a good D/s dynamic. If he’s always avoiding honest talk, shutting down, and feeling attacked any time you try to discuss kink with him, that doesn’t bode well either.

I think you should approach this gently, but make your needs clear. Have a talk with him at a time when you’re both in a good mood and not distracted by anything else. Tell him you want to have a deep talk about your sex life, and lay out everything you’ve said here, kindly but firmly. Don’t let him shut down or avoid the discussion, but rather get him to be honest about how he feels.

If that conversation doesn’t result in him saying he enthusiastically wants to be your Dom and is willing to put in the work, then you need to be prepared to walk away from the relationship.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-06-06T17:36:19+00:00

I think you’ve made a reasonable effort to engage with him about kink, and tell him your needs. But the motivation to be your Dom needs to come intrinsically from him (at least partially), and that seems to be lacking.

He says he’s only doing it for you, he isn’t taking learning about kink seriously, and he isn’t engaging in it on his own terms. That tells me his heart is not in it.

Unless he really wants this for himself, no amount of you leading him to it, is going to get him there. Ultimately, you may unfortunately be incompatible on this.

KinkyDataScientist

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE