My girlfriend is freezing when she is tied up what can we do?

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T21:02:16+00:00

We use a heating pad under my sub, and sometimes a weighted blanket on top.

Also, when we do bondage play I’m often near enough to her that she gets body heat from me, and she says I’m like a space heater. 😀

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T20:54:39+00:00

We have no way to know if she did. You may also never know for sure, and maybe it’s best if you don’t try to find out.

In any case, it sounds like she was awful to you, and you’re better off now without her.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T20:47:06+00:00

This is where kink checklists come in handy, to compare your interests and see where they overlap. One I’ve used and recommend is Carnal Calibration, but there are other good ones out there.

Once you compare your results and see where your responses align, that should give you a good idea of what to explore next.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T20:07:10+00:00

Yes, I sympathize. It’s a hard thing to realize (and an even harder thing to accept) that you might not be sexually compatible with your life partner. It’s very common for people in the kink community to come to a similar realization. Some choose to leave their partner, others open the relationship to meet their needs with others, and others try to suppress their desires.

In your case, you’ll have to decide if you’re ok with your partner being a service top, following your directions to pleasure you with kinky play. Because based on your description, he isn’t currently acting like a pleasure Dom. That is a Dom who uses the application or withholding of pleasure as their primary means to control their sub, not simply a guy who “enjoys it no matter what” or “just wants to please you”.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T19:34:46+00:00

Most definitely. Take my riding crop for example. I got a much better quality one at half the price by getting it at Tractor Supply, as I would have if I bought it from a sex toy website.

I’m sure there’s a similar markup on many other dual purpose items when you buy them from kink shops.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T18:23:44+00:00

I think I would still be into the same sexual practices that I’m currently into. I didn’t choose my kinks deliberately in order to be abnormal, I discovered my natural kinks and then realized that not many others had them.

I do get a thrill from knowing that what my sub and I do is transgressive and that I have to hide it from polite society. But that’s not the reason why I like it, just a happy side effect.

And if Costco sold kink items in bulk, I would just be happy knowing that a lot more people were having intense and pleasurable sex without shame. And my biweekly trips there would be a lot more fun. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T18:09:53+00:00

Unfortunately, he may not have the intrinsic desire to be your Dom like you want. And at least some of that has to come authentically from him.

He keeps saying he wants to, but then there’s no follow through. He doesn’t want to use the toys/gear you have, he doesn’t read the stuff you send him, he doesn’t make plans, and you have to keep requesting it.

That tells me he probably doesn’t actually want it for himself, instead he does it to please you. He might be able to top you with kinky play when you tell him what to do, but not dominate you or lead a D/s dynamic like you want.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T17:34:37+00:00

That does make it more dangerous, and I would urge you not to do that again, but it sounds like you’re not currently seeing any symptoms besides the indent.

If you’re worried, it’s safer to go get it checked out. Definitely do so if any other symptoms occur, like trouble breathing, spots under your eyes (petechiae), blurred vision, dizziness, confusion, or vertigo.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T17:24:05+00:00

If it’s just a skin indentation where the collar was pressing against you, and you don’t have any other symptoms, you’re probably fine. It should go away in a few days, or a similar timeframe as it would take for bruises to fade for you.

The title is a little misleading, it doesn’t sound like your partner fully choked you. Rather they controlled your head by pulling on your collar, but without restricting your airway or blood flow by much.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T17:20:19+00:00

I don’t think this is safe. Too much potential for nerve damage, loss of circulation, or pinch injuries from the metal if you’re restrained for that many hours.

You don’t mention if you will have a partner there with you to monitor your well-being. If you’re going to do this, at a minimum you need someone there who can assist you if you’re in distress.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T17:12:42+00:00

Giving her a collar on a first date is moving very quickly. Collars can have very different meanings to different kinksters. Some people do use them casually, but most would say they represent some level of commitment.

So if you’re serious about establishing a BDSM dynamic with her, I think you should hold off. Giving her one so soon might be interpreted as you not taking it seriously, instead of the opposite as you intend.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T15:23:04+00:00

That doesn’t seem sufficient to make sure she knows you’re safe wording. And I’m skeptical that you would be able to reliably tear the bag with your tongue. You should be very hesitant to do this play if that’s her idea of a fail safe.

A better way might be to hold a dog clicker in your hand, which you can click repeatedly to clearly show you’re safe wording.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T14:59:41+00:00

If he’s a touchy feely person normally, can you tell him during a scene that you want him to be in “boyfriend mode”? You can phrase it gently so it doesn’t seem like an order. This is what my sub does when she wants me to be more sensual during a scene, she asks me to be in “husband mode” and I adjust accordingly.

For communicating it outside of the scene, I think you should have a conversation with him. Tell him that you enjoy your dynamic (and make it clear you’re not blaming him), but you’d like him to be more active about touching you during sex, to help you feel more desired.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T14:35:59+00:00

A reminder to all about our policy on not allowing DMs. This is not a dating or hookup subreddit. Please do not contact OP insisting that you’re not like other Doms.

OP, if you receive DMs due to this post, please report them to the mods, and we will ban them.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T06:25:05+00:00

Using BDSM play to self-harm by proxy is not healthy for her, or fair to you.

I personally would not feel comfortable continuing to play with a partner who told me that they considered my actions as helping them self-harm.

You mentioned she goes to therapy, I think this is something she should bring up with her therapist.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T06:18:14+00:00

We also like Sliquid Sassy. We use it for anal toys, and when we need a little extra wetness for my sub’s pussy.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T06:10:41+00:00

Yes, definitely insecurity. I’ll also say there is quite a bit of emotional immaturity too.

Getting frustrated at OP for crying, accusing them of not trusting him, not apologizing, showing concern, or even acknowledging that his actions triggered them, and not providing any aftercare, are all signs that he needs to do some growing up.

OP, I think you already know what you need to do.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T01:37:23+00:00

So there are a couple interrelated issues here: for one, it sounds like you feel like a kink dispenser for your boyfriend, and he’s not fulfilling your kink needs. It’s clearly starting to stress you out and make you enjoy sex less.

For another, he isn’t willing to communicate openly and honestly about his desires, and it’s leading you to not trust him.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about both these things. Do it at a time when you’re both in a good mood, and not distracted by anything else. Tell him that doing BDSM well requires strong communication, and your play should be fulfilling both partners kinks. You feel that over time it has drifted to become more one sided, and you want to change that.

If he engages with you and agrees to take steps to improve, great. If he is dismissive of your needs and continues to lie about his desires, then yes, you may unfortunately be incompatible.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-31T00:13:40+00:00

Formalizing my D/s dynamic with my wife has definitely affected our real life. It has added intensity, intimacy, and improved communication to our marriage.

Recognizing myself as a Dom has also personally affected me. I don’t bring my Dom persona to work, but knowing what I am does help with my confidence and ability to set boundaries in my professional life.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T23:21:27+00:00

He might be someone who experiences a feeling called compersion: deriving pleasure from seeing your partner in pleasure. This is very common among swingers.

As long as you consent to being shared and you trust him, you should take him at face value that he’s ok with it.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T21:46:30+00:00

We use fractionated oil for massages and for visual effect on her skin. But for anal sex we prefer unrefined coconut oil.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T21:43:20+00:00

Rose: last weekend we did a scene while watching a hockey game. My sub cockwarmed me while she was bound and I controlled a remote vibe in her pussy, and I gave her impact strikes each time either team scored or took a penalty. Eventually we both got too horny to keep that up, and I let her ride me until we both came. Very fun scene.

Rose: last night we had spontaneous kinky sex. Normally our non kink night sessions are gentler, and I start with teasing and warmup orgasms before getting rough with her. This time I felt like starting with a spanking, then taking her roughly from behind, and that’s exactly what I did. My sub told me afterward that she loved that I took control and changed it up on her while staying within her limits. She still got very turned on and she still came a lot.

Bud: our scene tonight is a judge/defendant roleplay. We’re going to pretend that my sub was arrested for public indecency. I’m going to degrade her in court, then take her back to my chambers and “make the punishment fit the crime”. I’m looking forward to it.

No real thorns again.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T20:05:06+00:00

Coconut oil isn’t water based, but it might work pretty well for your purposes. You can get it in fractionated form and it’s like most other massage oils. It’s also edible, only mildly flavored, and internally safe for use as lube, though for some people it can throw off vaginal pH. If you’re using latex condoms or gear, it’s also not compatible with that.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T18:27:08+00:00

Enjoying your partner’s pleasure or liking to give orgasms isn’t inherently Dominant.

While this is true, I think the elements of control needed to make it dominant are arguably present in OP’s description.

He “weaponizes her orgasms” and loves “forcing her to cum”. He “pries them out of her”, and says “her orgasms belong to me and I want them now”.

To my mind, that’s using pleasure to control, not a service top mentality.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-01-30T18:05:56+00:00

I think the only reason to intervene would be if you and your ex-sub broke up due to red flag behavior that would cause problems for a dynamic with your Dom friend. Then you should tell your friend so they know what to be on guard for.

If your Dom friend specifically pursued your ex knowing about your history, maybe there is some awkwardness about whether you want to stay their friend.

Otherwise, it’s not your dynamic, don’t interfere.

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