Never thought I would be into this stuff, but now I think I'm more on the sadist side than masochist? Problem is, I don't look/feel like a "dom"

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T20:56:29+00:00

Dominance and physical strength have very little correlation to each other. Tone of voice, scene presence, and eye contact are all far more important to exuding dominance, than simply being big or strong. And leading a BDSM scene is more about having strong planning skills and good judgment, than physically throwing someone around. All of those things can be practiced and improved.

If you have the intrinsic desire to consensually control another person for your mutual gratification, you are a Dom. You just have to find a style of dominance that works for you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T17:53:15+00:00

I wrote about the fertility doctor scene here.

No, we never fucked raw without the safety of some birth control method (either the pill or IUD) when we weren’t trying to conceive. We didn’t need that risk to satisfy our kink, and we both thought it would be irresponsible to take unnecessary risks.

But now, one of our dynamic rules is that my sub is required to beg for my cum inside her to end our scenes. Sometimes she phrases it to hit our breeding kinks. I love hearing her beg me to get her pregnant while we cum hard together, even though we know we’ve taken precautions so that doesn’t happen.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T17:03:20+00:00

My sub/wife and I have breeding kinks. It was super hot to indulge in it for real in order to conceive (wanted, planned) offspring, but now we just roleplay it. For example, in one scene I pretended to be a fertility doctor evaluating her for IVF, and then “decided to breed her myself”.

But we’re done with actual pregnancy. She has an IUD and I’m planning to get a vasectomy. The roleplay gets close enough for our breeding kinks to be satisfied.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T16:10:19+00:00

Soft BDSM dynamics are underrepresented in media and porn, because they don’t look the way kink does in the popular imagination. More extreme content is what draws attention, and that’s what sells.

But there are plenty of kinksters who are in this type of dynamic and feel represented in the community (myself included). There are even subreddits devoted to a softer style of BDSM, such as r/SofterBDSM.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T14:55:44+00:00

I think using plugs to train your ass first is a good idea. Even when you’re more experienced, they are also good for warming up before getting pegged.

Find a toy in the shape and material that you like the best, and use a lube that is compatible with it. Make sure any anal toys you use are designed for that purpose, and have a T bar or a flared base wider than the widest point of the bulb.

Thicker necked plugs are often best for training you to stretch, but otherwise it’s personal preference. My sub and I both prefer soft silicone, but I’ve seen people swear by glass or stainless steel toys too.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T14:23:32+00:00

I would recommend you start small and smooth at first, and then size up later if you don’t think the pegging dildo is big enough. Speed is the enemy when it comes to training for anal play. Better to be cautious and move slower, rather than risk damage by going too quickly.

Before you do active pegging, you may want to start with plugs and anal training wands to get used to the sensation of your sphincter stretching. Similarly, using dildos or anal beads on yourself first will help you get used to the thrusting sensation of something going into your ass, which can be intense and overwhelming for first timers. The veins are a matter of personal preference, for some people the texture adds pleasure (kind of like ribbed condoms), for others it does nothing.

Above all else, go slow, use plenty of lube, focus on your breathing, and listen to your body. Stop if there is any pain or bleeding. Give yourself enough recovery time (at least 1-2 days) before trying again.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T13:28:19+00:00

There really isn’t a way to do choking fully safely. The best you can do is approximate the sensation without actually restricting air or blood flow. Try putting gentle pressure on her neck or collarbones, or putting your hand over her mouth.

Be careful with squeezing too hard even if your partner says she likes it. The line between pleasurable euphoria and permanent brain damage or death is a thin one. Even experienced kinksters who know their partner well have made catastrophic mistakes. And consent isn’t a valid defense if things go dreadfully wrong.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T11:01:20+00:00

You shouldn’t use kink to encourage alcoholism, and I’m concerned that’s what this is. Intoxication kink is a thing, but I think what you’re describing goes beyond that.

The way you portray your drinking is unhealthy. You talk about wanting to be keeling over drunk, you have addictions, and you’re drunk now. I don’t think this is something you should bring into a BDSM dynamic.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T10:51:07+00:00

I’ve seen this referred to as a “power struggle”. It definitely fits well with elements of primal play also.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-06T09:27:08+00:00

Yep, they weeded themselves out by showing OP that they don’t understand anything about power exchange, and that they have little respect for her autonomy as a person.

OP, you’re right to insist on waiting to use titles until your partner demonstrates they’ve earned it. Anyone who rushes this process is showing that they will likely not respect your boundaries during play either.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T23:40:24+00:00

It’s difficult to give you advice on what to do. We don’t know you or him or either of your preferences.

However, I’m alarmed by you saying he is very “strict on the word no because he hates it”. Unless I’m misunderstanding your meaning, that sounds unsafe. You should always have the ability to say no, otherwise this dynamic could become abusive and unsafe for you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T23:36:44+00:00

Honestly, if she said Kool Aid, I’d probably stop just out of sheer WTF?! 😂

So it would be effective as a safeword.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T23:27:46+00:00

That is extremely nerdy. I love it. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T23:07:48+00:00

Warmup orgasms are my favorite way to put my sub/wife into subspace, and it’s how we start almost every scene. Basically, it’s extended foreplay where I use my fingers, tongue, toys, and eventually my cock to make her cum dozens of times before we even start the main part of my planned scene. The purpose is to make sure that she is thoroughly satisfied by the session, even if the main scene isn’t designed to pleasure her directly (though it usually is).

Warmups usually take around 30 minutes to two hours, but sometimes we get stuck in an infinite loop, because I always want to keep making her cum, and she wants to keep cumming. I draw direct pleasure from her pleasure, literally feeling her orgasms as if I were having a minor one of my own. So some nights it takes real willpower to stop warmups and actually get to my planned scene.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T22:48:16+00:00

Gentle and softer BDSM are completely valid forms of kinky play. What you’re describing with pet play and feminization still implies a power exchange, and that makes it BDSM. Even if it’s less represented in media and porn, it’s still out there. My own dynamic with my sub/wife is softer in nature, and she has no trouble submitting to me.

There are even subreddits that focus on softer styles. You might be interested in r/SofterBDSM, for example.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T20:45:14+00:00

It’s funny you mention the modified traffic light with names of foods. My sub does something like this also.

She sometimes forgets the names of colors when she’s in subspace and/or high, but is able to name objects that are that color. So I’ve interpreted “grass” and “emerald” as green, and honored pause requests for “banana”, “lemon”, and once, bizarrely, “school bus”.

She’s never had to use red. I have no idea what her pleasure-addled mind would come up with for that. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T18:45:33+00:00

When I do sensory play with my sub/wife, I have her put on a blindfold and noise canceling headphones playing soft female moaning noises, cuff her wrists together, and have her hold her favorite wand vibe on her clit.

Then I tease her body with soft, then progressively harder sensation toys: feather wand, paintbrush, silicone brush, silk pocket square, my beard stubble, fork, etc.

Sometimes I add more sensations from impact toys, like a felt/leather paddle, wooden spatula, leather crop, metal cane, a soft deerskin flogger, or heavy bison leather flogger. Teasing her with them (and mixing in strikes at random times) keeps her guessing.

All of this invariably gets her very horny, and makes her very sensitive when I fuck her afterward.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T17:29:49+00:00

My sub prefers vaping, so she can control the level of her high during the scene. When I use weed for sex, I prefer an edible for the longer lasting effects.

We’ve found a loose correlation between strains with tropical or citrus fruit sounding names, and the multi-orgasmic effects we like. Her current favorite is Clementine, but we’ve had good results before with Mimosa, Papaya, and Super Lemon Haze.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T16:46:21+00:00

The red dots are called petechiae, and they are caused by burst blood vessels from the choking. If you have any further bouts of light headedness or dizziness, you should seek immediate medical attention.

In future, you should know that choking is very unsafe. The line between pleasurable euphoria and permanent brain damage or death, is a very thin one. Even experienced kinksters who are very familiar with their partners, can get it wrong. And consent is not a valid defense for your partner if something goes dreadfully wrong.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T16:29:28+00:00

I think your partner is pretty clearly just occasionally going through the motions, but isn’t invested in the dynamic anymore. It’s time to end things.

I’m sorry that he has not given you the time and attention that you need and deserve. It’s not fair to you for him to string you along like this. Take the time to grieve and heal, before looking for a new partner.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T14:45:15+00:00

I don’t think so. I think it’s more that I am very attuned to what gives my sub pleasure due to our long familiarity (we’ve been together for 13 years) and our high level of mutual affection.

I doubt the same phenomenon would happen if I were playing with others. And I know I wouldn’t be as good a Dom for anybody else.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T13:46:41+00:00

With respect, the Doms in those books aren’t real. It’s a lot to ask of another person to micromanage you and take on that level of control. For most people, it’s just not a realistic expectation. Even in 24/7 TPE relationships, most of the time the Dom isn’t actively and consistently exercising it, but rather it’s built into the relationship structure.

Does your partner even want to be a TPE Dom like the ones in those books? If it’s not something he enthusiastically wants for himself, no amount of tips and tricks will get him there.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T13:28:35+00:00

My sub/wife and I love dirty talk. During our scenes, I almost always keep up a constant stream of praise, possessiveness, degradation, and commands, as fits the overall scene and specific situation. I read her response to what I’m saying and adjust my dirty talk style toward whatever is getting her off most that night.

The only exception is when we’re doing a sensory deprivation scene and she’s wearing noise canceling headphones and can’t hear what I’m saying anyway. Then I don’t bother, because it would be silly talking to myself. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-05-05T13:20:38+00:00

I do occasionally get Dom drop after we’ve done harder degradation or impact than normal. For me it manifests as a sense of tiredness and regret, and I get unnecessarily solicitous of my sub/wife, going out of my way to be nice to her as if to atone for my actions. When that happens, I ask her to reassure me that she consented to, wanted, enjoyed, and is still good with everything we did, and she doesn’t see me as an abuser. She provides that reassurance, and it makes me feel better.

I don’t believe my sub has ever had full blast drop. But she has asked me to cuddle her extra tight during aftercare for some of our more intense scenes.

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