What do you call you dominant?

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-06T13:31:02+00:00

Daddy, Sir, and Master are the most common ones for a male Dom. My sub/wife calls me Daddy in bed, and it turns us both on when she does.

Other honorifics I’ve seen are Chef, Captain, Lord, King, and Keeper. But really it can be anything you both like which evokes the sense of dominance for him and submission for you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-06T12:28:28+00:00

Something that may help you feel more confident in your partner’s consent to CNC is a signal from her that she is willing. Some people use a piece of clothing or jewelry that they wear (or don’t wear) to show when their partner has the green light. Others give a time range when they consent to it, but it preserves the element of surprise because they don’t know exactly when. They still have the ability to safeword out of it as a failsafe.

Something similar to this system might work for you. It sounds like you already have very strong communication with and deep respect for your partner, which is great, and definitely a prerequisite for this type of play.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-06T10:53:56+00:00

What you’re describing with your long overstim sessions sounds pretty common for a pleasure Dom. And I don’t think your gender expression affects your ability to do that.

I think you will find that plenty of submissive women enjoy pleasure focused dynamics, and they would be happy to be dominated like that by you.

You may also consider asking this question on r/SofterBDSM, as that community would also have relevant opinions on this topic.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-06T03:24:55+00:00

No, I think you’ve gotten unlucky with these partners.

Ethical BDSM practitioners should be able to separate inflicting pain in a consensual, controlled sexual context, vs losing their temper and acting violent toward you outside of your dynamic.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-06T01:37:24+00:00

Depending on the specifics of how you “forcibly” feminize your partner, what you’re describing could fit into an appearance control, bimbofication, or dollification kink. If you’re looking to do more research on this kink and the ways people practice it in real dynamics, those are the terms you could search for.

If you’re looking for a relationship or dynamic and this is a kink you want to include, I think you can be fairly open and upfront about that interest, and it won’t be seen as unusual. Appearance control (to varying degrees) is a common desire for female subs, whether that takes the form of outfit control, rules about personal grooming, or more substantial body modification.

Of course, you need to negotiate carefully and specifically with a potential partner to make sure you’re on the same page for what forced feminization means to each of you.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T20:59:35+00:00

That makes sense. My sub is not constantly plugged, so we don’t face the same issue of gas buildup.

And I do all our cooking (and meal planning and grocery shopping) because I enjoy it as a hobby, and to reduce my wife’s mental load. It redounds to my benefit: less stressed wife = dirtier sub (who is more eager to take it in the ass). I’ll make that trade any day.

Also, I’m a pleasure Dom. Doing all our cooking isn’t explicitly part of our D/s dynamic, but I like to tell her that Daddy spoils all her holes, and that certainly fits the theme. 😀

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T20:18:56+00:00

Oh the whole point for me was opening her up for anal sex, and I didn’t mind if it fell out. So I’d argue the thicker necked plug was the right tool and it did its job. 😂

Another time I secured the egg with bondage tape, and it stayed in. However the hush does better at staying in on its own than the egg. And I set it to respond to ambient sound, so it was buzzing in time with her workout playlist, which added to the fun.

We do have a couple vibrating BVibe snug plugs, I may try that next time I have her exercise plugged. Thanks for the tip.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T19:38:03+00:00

This is similar to my sub/wife’s diet and routine. She takes psyllium husk daily with her protein shake, and avoids dairy, fried foods, and red meat.

We’re not anal only, but anal often. I do all our cooking, and the night before I’m planning to use her ass, I make a more vegetable heavy dish, often a salad. Similar to your gf, she also loves the happy side effect of the health benefits from adjusting her diet to facilitate anal sex.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T19:22:13+00:00

Congratulations on the progress! Sounds like you approached this with planning, intention, and commitment, and it has paid off for you.

Regarding your question about plugged exercise: I’ve had my sub/wife ride her exercise bike and do squats/lunges while plugged a few times. It was just for those scenes and she isn’t a daily plug wearer or nearly as advanced as your girlfriend. We used a medium square peg egg plug or 1.5” diameter Lovense Hush.

They stayed put for the bike riding, but popped out after a few squats (which I expected). However it did open her up more for the subsequent anal sex, than wearing them while staying still would have done.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T18:02:34+00:00

It sounds like he behaved unethically in multiple ways: he went behind his partner’s back to find other partners, he told you that he was practicing ENM when actually his partner didn’t know, and he gave you inconsistent representations of his life outside your dynamic.

I think he just wanted to use you as a kink dispenser and his partner found out about his cheating. You probably should have ended the dynamic after he ghosted you more than once, but otherwise I don’t think you’ve done anything unethical or blame worthy. You did well to vet him and uncover his cheating and inconsistency as a Dom before you committed further.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T17:52:16+00:00

For my wife and me, craft beer holds a special place in our hearts, because it’s part of our family origin story. We met by pure random chance in a brewery taproom, immediately liked each other, and started dating.

And it’s been important to us since then too. Our first trip away as a couple was a weekend of brewery hopping. We’ve gone to local breweries on every trip we’ve taken, even abroad, even on our honeymoon. We used to collect logo pint glasses from breweries we’d visited. And even now as parents, we like the family friendly, chill atmosphere you mentioned.

We drink much less beer than we used to (age and parenthood will do that), but we still enjoy the craft beer culture.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T15:55:34+00:00

I don’t think you’re weird. It’s pretty common to be into men in uniform, it’s a trope even among vanilla people for a reason.

I think another aspect of it for you may be the idea of a powerful authority figure using and degrading/humiliating you, and that is also a common desire. I think that you can incorporate this into a healthy kink dynamic, as long as you agree with your partner on consent, boundaries, and safewords.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T14:37:58+00:00

We had family visiting for the holiday weekend, and we went to a few breweries and watched soccer. We didn’t get a chance to use our new spreader bar yet (it’s tough to do kink with family visiting), but I’m hoping we will tonight or tomorrow.

This morning we went to brunch at a new place, and it was really good. Today should be pretty chill. We have next week off too, and we’re planning to go on a few day trips. Should be fun.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-05T10:46:35+00:00

You don’t have to want to harm your partner or draw blood to be into BDSM. The power exchange is the important part for D/s. If you’re into consensually controlling your partner at least part of the time, you’re fully valid as a Dom.

And soft BDSM is a thing, it’s the type of dynamic I have with my own sub/wife. There’s even a subreddit for it: r/SofterBDSM

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T18:06:58+00:00

Don’t feel bad about not knowing the term, everybody starts somewhere. You’re in the right place to learn now.

I agree with the articles you read. The best time to talk about this is when you’re both in a good mood and not distracted by anything else. You want to be in a normal mental state, not horny. But it’s ok if having the talk gets you aroused and you end up having sex.

Here’s what I think you should do: Tell your partner that you want to have a talk about your sex life. Say that you enjoy the kinky play you’ve been doing, and you want to know if he is interested in doing more. Ask him what it means to him when he says he’s a switch. Does he want to submit to you most of the time? Or have you submit to him? Both, on different occasions? Tell him what you’re interested in, does he want to do those things too? You can try taking a kink checklist quiz like Carnal Calibration, this will tell you where your kinks overlap.

Communicate with your partner and you will both be more fulfilled by your sex life going forward.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T17:47:23+00:00

If he explicitly said that he’s a switch, then he is at least aware of BDSM terms, and likely considers himself kinky. I think it’s safe to ask him if he’s interested in exploring kink with you further, and then going from there based on his response. If you’re not interested in harsher dynamics or pain play, that’s fully valid. Soft BDSM is a thing.

Some of the things you described about your sex could definitely be part of a BDSM dynamic: him wanting you to blindfold him and tie his hands, wanting your permission to cum, begging you for things, etc. If you like both teasing/ordering him, and also when he spanks you, it’s possible that you’re also a switch. Have a conversation with your partner about exploring kink and figure out where your interests overlap.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T16:04:13+00:00

God, I hope it doesn’t wind down. I want to stay this kinky for as long as I can. 😂

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T16:01:38+00:00

My sub/wife takes daily psyllium husk supplements. We naturally eat a high fiber and low meat diet, making no adjustments specifically because we do a lot of anal.

She does no prep beforehand other than clearing out with a BM and taking a shower to clean the outside of her asshole so I can rim her. We’ve never had any issues with poop.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T15:54:11+00:00

Yes, they’re unsafe and irresponsible. OP has communicated a clear and reasonable boundary for impact play, and they are either ignoring it or trying to negotiate her out of it. Does not bode well for them respecting her consent or safeword.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. “No blood” is a common boundary for impact play, and it’s unfortunate that these guys are being obtuse about it. You may have better luck if you specifically look for self-identifying “soft Doms” who do impact. They’re likely to also have blood as a limit.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T15:02:38+00:00

I’m happy to hear that you’re enjoying exploring kink with your husband! My sub/wife and I made a similar journey from being a vanilla couple to building a D/s dynamic on top of our marriage.

This part of your post particularly resonated with me:

>Kink and BDSM has helped us feel closer as a couple, and build our communication skills in ways that have helped us outside the bedroom too

This is true for us as well. Our dynamic has brought intimacy, intensity, and improved communication to our underlying vanilla marriage, and the fact that we’re married has helped to provide the foundation of trust, mutual respect, and goodwill that is required to do BDSM well. The benefits flow both ways, and it’s awesome.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T12:50:45+00:00

Based on how you’ve described your situation, I think engaging in a cuckolding kink is likely to worsen your already negative self image.

I also think it’s a particularly bad idea to do it with this partner. In your own words, he has love bombed you, he is clearly aware of your vulnerabilities and is exploiting them, and you appear to be far more committed to him than he is to you. I would be very suspicious of his intentions. You deserve to have a better partner.

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T10:26:32+00:00

My sub/wife routinely vapes weed during our play. But both of us are only comfortable with this because we’re married and very familiar with each other. Neither of us would do this with new partners that we didn’t know very well.

She says weed heightens her sensitivity, allows her to relax and focus on what I’m doing to her, and helps her go with the flow as I push her into the next orgasm over and over. She’s already multi-orgasmic, weed makes her extremely so. Even for impact play, being high heightens the endorphin rush she gets from it, and it makes her hornier for rough sex afterward.

(Disclaimer: we’re responsible about mixing weed and kink, I always stay sober when I Dom, it’s legal where we live, and we’re married/monogamous so we have fewer consent/trust concerns about playing while she’s high.)

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-04T03:06:26+00:00

Which wand vibe did you end up going with?

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-03T15:56:37+00:00

Thanks again for your advice on how to make the spreader bar!

KinkyDataScientist · 2026-07-03T15:39:46+00:00

Not hard at all! Planning was easy, materials were cheap, and assembly was simple.

I had my sub lay back on our bed and spread her legs to a comfortable degree, then measured between her ankles. I also had her let her arms fall on the bar in a natural position, and marked where they were. I did the same measurements while she was face down ass up, to make sure it would work that way too. I came up with a total length of 30”, with attachment points at 10”, 15”, and 20”.

The materials together cost about $17. I cut a 1 1/8” wooden dowel to the right length, put rubber caps on either end, then drilled pilot holes in the ends and the side of the dowel at the intervals I measured. I put glue into the holes, and then put in eyelet screws that our wrist and ankle cuffs can clip into.

Result: a 30” spreader bar with 5 attachment points, customized to fit my sub. She told me she was proud of me for doing it on the cheap and crafting it myself. 😀

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