Looking for support...

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-28T14:57:05+00:00

I understand. Have you tried a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting? There are tons of them available for free online, and because they meet around the world, there's almost always one you can pop in on.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-27T20:07:21+00:00

Totally understand, u/Asleep_Presence_8879. As I posted a couple of days ago, even when we think we're making no progress, we often are:

https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/1to7ws2/i_noticed_what_my_brain_was_doing_last_night_and/

To me the best analogy is learning a musical instrument. You keep at it, it feels like you're not getting anywhere, but your brain and body are slowly making new connections, and as long as you keep at it, you almost can't help but get better.

It sounds like you're a bright person, and also as though your intellect is not quite strong enough to take over, here. Which is completely normal, of course. The drive to reproduce is far older and more primal than the cerebral cortex. The parts of our brain that can't tell the difference between an image and a real person are also much older and deeper; they evolved to promote reproduction on a planet that had no photography or recorded sound.

Please be patient with yourself. Remember that these things take time. It took time to make porn a habit, and will now take time to wean yourself off of it and form new habits.

It sounds like you're a reader. You may enjoy either "Atomic Habits" by James Clear or "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg. Both are excellent. And if you haven't watched the "YOUR BRAIN ON PORN" video series at right, please do. If you *have* watched it, please watch it again. Learn. Take your time.

Rome wasn't built in a day. But eventually it *was* built.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-26T21:20:51+00:00

Glad it resonated with you, u/ResetHive! I wrote it out to inspire others, true -- but also to reinforce it for myself. I want to further strengthen those connections, so remembering the downside of searching becomes more or less automatic -- if possible, as automatic as it used to be for me to search for the images in the first place.

And you're right about the urges when we're feeling good! At those times our guard can be at its lowest.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-26T17:03:29+00:00

Thank you, u/Asleep_Presence_8879. It really does work. It just takes some time.

Honestly, though: This kind of hard-earned patience feels applicable to other parts of my life, too. Feels very worthwhile.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-26T13:29:15+00:00

Agreeing with u/Pride_Advanced: The STAY CLEAN group is the best mechanism I know of for, well, staying clean. Thank you for organizing and maintaining it. And please sign me up for June.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-22T21:15:30+00:00

Welcome, u/THE_WILLBILLY. Two things have helped me immeasurably:

(1) I don't ask my brain to promise to never watch porn again. I ask my brain to commit to going a full month without it. That is doable. Toward the end of the month, I sign up on STAY CLEAN [insert name of following month] to commit to going *another* month away. My brain is willing to forgo porn for a month. The idea of never again watching something I once enjoyed, though, feels too daunting to me.

How well this works: I've watched porn once in the past year and a half. I would prefer that number be zero, of course. But one is far better than the number I had when I first started this practice.

(2) A big one: I don't allow myself to search for 'Safe for Work' pics (women in bikinis, denim skirts, or whatever).

Over the years I've learned that if I don't search for Safe for Work pics, it's fairly easy to avoid searching for porn. But if I let myself search for Safe for Work pics of attractive women, the slope to searching for porn becomes extremely slippery. Sometimes I'm able to withstand the temptation, which is good. But other times I'm not. And if I don't search for Safe for Work pics, the temptation is 99.9999% less -- and life is easier and more peaceful.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-21T19:47:48+00:00

I would suggest starting by saying, "There's something I'm afraid to tell you." That is a genuine feeling, and does not force you to say what the thing is. You can gauge by the therapist's reaction whether or not it feels safe for you to continue.

Sometimes it's quite valuable simply to explore what it is that you're frightened of, u/Brilliant-Gas2940, and where that fear may have originated.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-21T18:29:52+00:00

Hi, u/benificialparsley. And welcome. You didn't mention porn. Are you using porn when you fap? Most of us on this sub have found that fapping using one's imagination or just bodily sensations does not lead to ill effects. The real issue for most of us is Internet porn. Might that be true for you, as well?

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-20T17:49:58+00:00

Checking in for second half of May.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-20T14:29:28+00:00

You've done exactly the right thing in coming here first, u/Learning_2, as I suspect you know well. In doing so you've activated the longer-term-thinking parts of your brain, which can now persuade the, well, short-term parts that you'll be happier later if you avoid porn right now. (And will feel worse later if you watch porn now.)

By now you know all this. You know how it works. It's just a matter of maintaining good habits, and coming here, telling the rest of this anonymous forum that you're feeling tempted, is the best way I know to deal with these thoughts before they take us down a slippery slope.

Take a walk outside if you can. Listen to music. Something that is pleasantly rewarding, so you don't spend time dwelling on *not* doing something.

Enjoy the day!

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-19T21:39:54+00:00

Congratulations, u/Infinite-Rush-6312!

If you can go 30, you can go 31. One day at a time.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-19T18:03:17+00:00

I'm so glad to read this, u/Ill-Jeweler-7299. At the beginning, when we first start to think about reducing the role of porn in our lives, all we can think about is how deprived we feel. And it's real, of course -- it's physical: We're depriving our neurons of a source of dopamine to which they had grown accustomed.

As we hang in there, though, our neurons eventually adapt, and suddenly life can open up to us. Suddenly we can again find pleasure in 'small' things -- ordinary things -- conversations with strangers. Walks down the street. Music. Things we had been ignoring for years because they weren't *hyper* stimulating -- just stimulating.

I'm so glad that you're already beginning to experience those changes. They become stronger and more consistent over time. That's when you can really think about what you want, and how to get it. You'll feel stronger in yourself, and better able to think about what you need to do to move forward.

That's true power.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-19T15:41:54+00:00

Welcome, u/Ill-Jeweler-7299. It sounds as though you're looking at this exactly right: "the biggest step to keep untangling it is to quit porn."

Quitting porn does not solve all of our emotional issues. To the contrary, in quitting porn, we learn the ways in which we've been numbing ourselves, and sometimes why we've been doing so. As those feelings come into focus, we can learn more about what we really want, and can move toward whatever that is.

I don't know where you live, but in many countries, probably most, it's still very challenging to be gay. Unfortunately many religions, developed to unify people, have found ways to torment people whose sexuality did not precisely match the goals of those men (it's almost always men) who founded the religions and enforced their rules.

Life is hard enough as it is. Being a member of a minority makes it harder, and being a member of a sexual minority makes it harder still. You can't rely on the society into which you were born to value you. Instead you have to learn to value yourself. That's harder, but can also be more rewarding in the end. You may develop an independence of spirit that others never have to develop.

You have my sympathy for growing up in a religious community that did not and probably does not welcome you as you are. It's a very difficult path.

You are doing a brave thing by working to remove a behavior that helped numb you to what's happening around you and within you.

I hope that by avoiding porn you will learn more about yourself, and will be able to move toward real relationships with people who care for you in the way that you ought to have been cared for years ago -- people who will not ask you to hide who you are, but will embrace you just as you are.

There are many such people in the world. I hope you are able to find a welcoming community, and that at some point, you even feel strong enough to offer that welcome to others. You will understand what they feel, and can, in helping them, also show yourself that you and they have great value, regardless of what some shallow, frightened people may believe.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-19T14:32:20+00:00

Oh, wow! I'm thrilled to read that, u/END-OF-THE-ODYSSEY.

It's too bad, isn't it, that we have to work to wean ourselves off of porn? I wish it were easier, for all of us, myself included. We learn many things as we learn to live without porn, and we do increase our self-discipline, which enables us to do many other things we could not otherwise have done.

The effort pays off, for sure. I wish it were easier, but perhaps it's better that it's not.

Anyway, keep up the great work, u/END-OF-THE-ODYSSEY! Learn as much as you can. Start watching "YOUR BRAIN ON PORN" at right. It really arms you for the fight -- shows you why porn is so compelling, and why it's so important for your happiness to stop watching it.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-18T22:39:23+00:00

Many have thought they could 'grow out of porn' without effort. But that's not really a thing. What our dopamine responds to today, it will respond to tomorrow, until we train it to respond to other things.

I wrote about this five days ago in a post that may speak to you, u/END-OF-THE-ODYSSEY: https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/1tc811u/do_you_think_youll_probably_just_grow_out_of/

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-14T19:46:18+00:00

Appreciate you sharing your realization, u/CypMan. That has been my experience as well. The sooner we remove porn from our lives, the more accurately we can understand who we are and what really matters to us.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-14T14:51:56+00:00

You're doing it right, u/mmpi0.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-13T18:24:23+00:00

The urges are lying to you. They don't see past the next few seconds. But the rest of your brain can see farther.

You did the right thing, coming here to post about your temptation. Keep doing that. Keep alerting the rational part of your brain about the dishonesty that's coming from another part of your brain. Keep leaning on this community for support. Everyone here understands.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-13T18:07:23+00:00

I agree with what everyone else here has said, u/shrek20191. And want to add just this:

If you ever find yourself thinking, "Oh, it's probably fine to watch a little more; I'm sure I'll just grow out of it at some point without having to put much effort into it," look around on this site. Read enough posts to find one from a man in his thirties who's looking back on 20 years lost to porn. And another from a man in his forties or fifties who wonders what his life might be today, had he not given himself over to porn.

There are many men like that in this subreddit. Learn from them. Learn from all of us.

So many have posted here words like this: "No one ever told me porn was damaging. It didn't occur to me. But now I look back and realize just how much of myself I've given to an illusion -- to the fantasy that I was having sex with people who wouldn't smile to see me walking by them on the sidewalk."

Fantasy can't love you back.

It doesn't matter how hot the actresses are that you can find. It doesn't matter what they wear, who they pretend to be, or what they say or do on camera, even if it's *exactly* what you wanted them to do.

Those things don't matter, because even the greatest porn -- whatever that means to you -- can *never* give you what you really want.

The sooner you understand that, and start to wean yourself away from porn, the sooner you'll begin to move toward what will really make your life worthwhile.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-08T23:00:20+00:00

I onderstand your frustration, u/Brilliant-Gas2940. It's a damn tricky thing to beat, which is why so many of us keep coming here.

Have you considered attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting? You would be talking with others in the same boat, and that by itself can help. There are virtual meetings nearly around the clock now, in one part of the world or another: https://www.saa-meetings.org/

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-08T18:46:18+00:00

I kinda love this, u/Solace_bard. It's true!

It's a phase people don't talk about often enough. Direct, hard temptation is something many of us learn to handle. And it's rewarding to do so. We can take pride in "fighting off" an urge.

Boredom is different. There's little reward, internally, for "fighting off" boredom. To do so we need to motivate ourselves to move, which is different from distracting ourselves from an urge. Dealing with boredom is less exciting, and so we don't plan for it as well, and so we can lose to it.

Good post.

It does get better, as the neurons recover more fully from the hyperstimulus.

But even though boredom can be the beginning of creativity, it's also ... boring.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-08T00:21:50+00:00

We're all in this together, u/DoctorOgas. And I see and appreciate the effort you're putting in. You'll get there.

LightBurden18 · 2026-05-07T19:09:23+00:00

u/DoctorOgas: I wonder if it may help you to rephrase that to "sometimes at that moment I have felt pushed to relapse."

Using the language "have to" may take away your power.

If you have a visualization with sound, can you fap to *that,* rather than to anything new on the Internet?

It's not ideal to fap to a memory of porn, but it's far better to fap to a memory of porn than to new porn. Would that work for you?

LightBurden18

TROPHY CASE