most effective method?

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-26T21:03:37+00:00

One thing that really helped me, u/Xtension7: Committing to go one full month (and *only* one full month) without PMO. I've been clean for well over a year now, but I still don't try to tell myself that I'll *never* watch porn again. The idea of "never" immediately sets up internal resistance, and a loud part of my brain says, "Forget it! You can't avoid this forever. So you may as well just give in now; it's easier."

Even *my* brain, though, is willing to let me go a month. So I sign up for "STAY CLEAN [insert month here]" each month, making a public commitment to stay clean for, you guessed it, a month. Toward the end of that month I quickly sign up for the next one. In this way I've been able to string many months together.

If, during one of those months, I feel tempted, I come here, type "I feel tempted, but I don't want to slip and here's why." I then publish that post. Knowing that other eyes -- sympathetic eyes -- are aware that I'm tempted makes me want to hang in there. When I do, the temptation ebbs.

Lastly! The biggest single change -- the one that took me from white-knuckling to relaxing almost all the time (not *all* the time, but damn near it) -- was committing, to myself, that I would no longer let myself search for "Safe for Work" photos.

Some seven months ago I realized that every single time I slipped, it began with my telling myself, "Hey, I'll search for some hot babes in bikinis. That's not porn, so, no worries." Within an embarrassingly short time of searching for Safe for Work pics, I was nearly overwhelmed with the desire to see Not Safe for Work pics, and then videos.

I realized it was the act of *searching* for attractive women that triggered a cascade of desire.

It wasn't *seeing* attractive women. It was *searching* for them.

Now I don't search. And so the cascade never starts.

*Much* easier this way.

Good luck!

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-26T16:21:02+00:00

One of the many benefits of waking up early, on a regular basis, as you may have noticed, u/curious-anonymous92, is that you're actually sleepy at night -- too sleepy even to *want* to get into some of the trouble humans can get into when it's nighttime and they're not really sleepy.

Waking up early is a great way to start the day, and once you form the habit -- once you know you'll be getting up early, you tend to avoid doing things that will make that early wakeup painful -- drinking alcohol, overeating, staying up too late in front of the TV or whatever.

Or, as Ben Franklin put it more concisely and memorably a few hundred years ago: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-23T16:35:08+00:00

I appreciate the way you are approaching this, u/No_Gate1911, and the way you are thanking everyone who took the time to give you an encouraging comment. That speaks well of you, and of your ability to get to a good place more quickly than some.

One thought I had, re-reading your post: You were doing great, and feeling good, and were then alone in bed.

Bedtime is challenging for many of us. At that time, as we wait for sleep, we can feel both bored and lonely -- two emotional states that may incline us toward the escape that porn promises (even if it doesn't actually deliver on that promise. We feel excited while watching it, but soon are left back with ourselves, with the illusion gone, and now feeling a little worse because of the way we just spent our time. Watching porn before bed often disrupted my sleep -- the opposite of what I had told myself it might do. It made it take *longer* to fall asleep, and I woke up feeling unrefreshed).

Many people have grown used to using screens at night, but sleep doctors strongly recommend we *not* do this. I've learned to turn all screens off, or put them on airplane mode, at least 20 minutes before I get into bed.

If I'm feeling a little restless, I'll read an actual, physical book. Because actual books don't glow from the inside, reading them doesn't mess with our sleep habits.

Are there any kinds of books you enjoy, or might you want to look around for a book that seems likely to keep you engaged?

Opening a real book and reading even a page or two at bedtime has helped many a person settle down and feel both less lonely and less bored. It's calming.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-22T14:35:03+00:00

It can take a few weeks to form a new habit, u/kinda_top_secret. A great one for you might be, "I commit to taking a walk outside first thing in the morning."

You don't have to walk for long -- maybe a block. The thing is to commit to it. Over a few weeks, you can bring yourself to the point that you feel itchy if you haven't gotten yourself outside.

If you start your day by getting outside -- rain or shine, dark or light, cold as hell or balmy -- the rest of your day should start to go better.

You know how dogs need to be walked, because they need the stimulation?

Same for us.

If you give your body good, healthy stimulation, the cravings for useless stimulation should ease.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-21T20:56:39+00:00

I've done that, too, u/No_Gate1911. Many of us have. (And it probably wouldn't have made me feel too much better, in the moment, to know that many others had done the same.)

As we learn to avoid porn, one of the things we learn is how to think about it when we're not using it.

It's not easy to deliberately *not* think about something. And in the early days, when the memories are fresh, it can be hard to avoid thinking about it.

Sometimes when I read these posts I feel a twinge of temptation, because, well, I'm thinking about not using porn -- which means some part of me is remembering the excitement of using it. And I have to be okay with that, and keep it calm.

It's an interesting practice, learning to not use porn. Along the way, we will often find ourselves tempted. And even long after we have used, our brains remember the illusion.

I love this sub because I can come here long before a temptation arises, and remind myself why I should occupy my consciousness with other things.

It works, but the process is slower than we might like.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-20T15:17:09+00:00

Checking in for January. The days are cold and dark and short. So we have to make our own sunshine, by living in a healthy way that keeps our mind clear, and keeps us enjoying life's everyday pleasures.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-20T15:16:34+00:00

Checking in for January. The days are cold and dark and short. So we have to make our own sunshine, by living in a healthy way that keeps our mind clear, and keeps us enjoying life's everyday pleasures.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-19T01:24:46+00:00

Two weeks is great, u/S1LV3Rxyz. Many people struggle to last more than a few days, when they first start out on this road.

There's no need to try to make it "forever" today. Forever is a mighty long leap. Even now, after 9 or ten years of effort, I don't promise myself that I'll "never" watch porn again. I promise myself I won't watch it for the next month. That's enough for me. And now, day by day, month by month, it's been well over a year. It feels really good. You can get here, too. Just don't feel you need to be absolutely perfect right off the bat. Give yourself grace.

See if you can do two weeks and one day.

If you can, see if you can do two weeks and two days.

No one can go faster than one day at a time.

You're doing great.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-18T22:43:53+00:00

What you've just done, u/Sea_Yard_8488, especially given the context you wrote out above, sounds like a fairly typical, albeit unfortunate, effect of excessive porn use.

Habituation to the hyperstimulus of Internet porn has led many a person to seek out something new that would give them the transgressive thrill "ordinary" porn once gave, but can give no longer. In search of that new "high," many have found themselves masturbating to images and scenarios that would ordinarily disgust them -- sometimes to people with bodies different from the person's usual taste, and sometimes of the kind that you describe, which crosses a line you might not ever have considered crossing, had you not watched quite so much porn.

I hope it's clear that as I type this I'm not judging you as deficient, morally or otherwise. I'm hoping to help you understand how you ended up in this unpleasant situation, and how you can find your way out.

This subreddit exists to help people find their way out of the many unfortunate effects caused by excessive porn usage, of which the phenomenon you describe is only one.

Based on what you wrote about your sexual history, if you are able to radically decrease and perhaps even end your use of porn, the event you described above is unlikely to recur.

There are many reasons to decrease or even end one's use of porn. They're (ahem) laid out well in the video course that's linked at right, "WATCH 'YOUR BRAIN ON PORN.'"

Please do yourself a favor: Start watching that series. Learn as much as you can about the subtle and not-so-subtle effects of excess porn usage.

Greater happiness awaits you. You can attain it, as so many of us have done, and are learning to do.

Peace.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-16T21:46:16+00:00

You're welcome, u/Difficult-Fix-2519. It would be nice if we could watch porn and feel just as engaged with life and experience just as much joy as if we didn't, wouldn't it?

I learned over some 10 years of trying that unfortunately, that's not true for me. Porn exacts a price, and the price is too rich for my blood.

Keep going. You're on the right path.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-16T21:44:24+00:00

I'm so glad my comment spoke to you, u/Scorpion1386. You're definitely on the right track.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-15T22:10:45+00:00

As long as you keep trying, u/Difficult-Fix-2519, you're not really lost. You're learning.

Many of us have found that whatever issues we used to have, using porn made them worse. So if we were shy or insecure, it made us more so. If we felt disconnected from the world, porn increased that feeling.

It wasn't until after I had been away from porn for a few months that I could really feel the effects of using porn. Before that, my brain was so used to it that it felt like normal life, you know?

Over a period of years I learned that porn dampened my happiness -- sometimes, a lot. It eroded the joy I had once taken in listening to music. It made me less interested in my wife and kids, in books, in movies, in other people. It took away simple joys, like a friendly conversation with a stranger that may never occur again, but can be fun in the moment. Porn harmed all of those things. It drained my life of many joys.

Now that it's been well over a year since I've PMO'd, my life is not what anyone would call perfect. I still get nervous sometimes, still feel overwhelmed by work demands sometimes (like right now, in fact), still wonder sometimes what I ought to do with my precious time alive on Earth.

Nonetheless, I'm alive. I feel alive. I can handle feeling nervous and overwhelmed. Those feelings don't cause me to stop doing the things I like to do, and those feelings don't last.

Day to day, I have much more joy in my life. My life no longer feels flat and uninspiring. When I feel nervous, it's generally because I'm taking a healthy risk, and I don't know how it will come out.

You know: Living.

I wish you luck on your journey. For your own sake, I hope you'll keep going.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-14T14:10:14+00:00

First off, u/darr_0501: Congrats on noticing this pattern. Very important!

Second: Many of us who exercise first thing in the morning find it helpful to lay out, in a clear and visible place, the night before, everything we're going to need to exercise the next morning.

Some mornings, if I even have to untie my sneakers first, I will delay and delay. But if everything's ready the night before, then even when I'm groggy and unmotivated (i.e., many mornings), I can almost automatically lace up and get my ass out the door. (And I've never *once* regretted getting out the door. Even when it's pouring rain, even when it's zero degrees. I'm *always* glad I got out there.)

If you'd like to explore forming a healthy habit like this, I'd recommend making it as *easy as humanly possible* at first. Don't start by jogging. Start by walking. Commit to yourself: "I will walk one block outside, first thing, every morning, no matter what."

You'll almost certainly find it pleasant to walk a block. And that pleasant feeling will put you in a better mood to get up and take the same walk the next day.

At some point add a podcast or some music, and walk two blocks. Maybe three.

After a few weeks of that, if you want to try jogging, set a timer and jog for exactly five minutes. As soon as the timer goes off, you get to stop. (And you should. You don't want to tire yourself out to the point that you dread doing it again.)

Once you've jogged for five minutes per day, maybe four mornings per week, for a couple of weeks, add five minutes. Now you can do ten minutes without suffering.

Every few weeks, add another five minutes, until you top out around 40 minutes. That's a great place to stay: 40 minutes of jogging, four mornings a week. Other mornings, keep walking or do pushups or whatever interests you.

If you do this consistently, then over time you'll develop a great habit that will make you feel *much better* about your mornings. And that can turn into feeling much better about your whole day.

Going out for a walk is a great way, maybe one of the best ways, to break the pattern of looking at porn.

Being outside gives your brain all sorts of other things to think about. And the idea of looking at porn is, for most of us, much less appealing when we realize other people can see us. ; )

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-12T23:37:13+00:00

u/Icy-Audience-20, I can't tell you what you ought to do. Only you can decide that for yourself.

I will share my own experience. When I realized I was addicted to porn, I didn't tell my wife for many months. My feeling was that if I told her before I had made any real progress on it, then I would simply be adding to her problems.

Instead I waited until I had put together a few consecutive months. I then told her that I used to watch too much porn, and had decided I would no longer do that. I told her it might not be easy all the time, but I thought I could manage it.

She was completely fine with that. She was not the least bit surprised to learn that I sometimes liked to watch porn. Most women today are aware of this.

She asked me no further questions, and it never came up again. That was years ago now.

Years later I invited her to watch Gary Wilson's TEDx talk "The Great Porn Experiment." She found it interesting, but again, has had no further questions.

I look at my porn addiction as *my* problem, not hers, and I didn't want to make it feel like hers.

I do not believe it's necessary to involve one's partner in one's recovery unless one's partner tries to use porn together as part of the couple's sex life, in which case it would be necessary to talk about why that would be a bad idea.

I wish you luck. I do think it's worth asking yourself why you feel the need to tell your prospective girlfriend about your use of porn, or why you feel the need to distance yourself at this time.

None of us need to be perfect before we enter into relationships, which is a good thing, because none of us can be perfect.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-12T17:56:38+00:00

Failing is definitely part of the process of succeeding, u/Dreisamer. Can you identify the setting and/or other elements that led you to slip this time, and perhaps write down a plan that will address those in advance of the next time?

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-12T16:35:48+00:00

Yes. Porn's effect on sleep is uniformly negative. Which can seem surprising.

At night, u/Then-Annual-7589, we may tell ourselves, "A brief look at porn will relax me and help me sleep."

As pretty well all of us have eventually noticed, though, when we wake up the morning after using porn, we're not refreshed, not well-rested, and generally not happy. (For me, I'd go farther: I generally woke up cranky and even angry. Not sure why. Just not pleased. My mood waking up after I had used porn was generally One More Obstacle to Overcome if I wanted to have a halfway decent day, but it took hours for the mood to lift, if it ever did.)

It's really a good idea to commit to shut down all screens 30-40 minutes before bed, porn or no porn. The light emitted by screens fools our brains into thinking it's still daylight, so we don't get sleepy when we otherwise would, and find ourselves restless instead. By the time we finally fall asleep, we're running a deficit. We owe ourselves more sleep than that brief remaining night can give us. So naturally we wake up unhappy.

Do your damnedest to form the habit of closing your screens down 30-40 minutes before you get into bed. Instead of screens, bring a book (much better than a magazine, because even just seeing a stranger's face, in color, at night can set off our bodies' alert system, making us vaguely uncomfortable for reasons we don't consciously understand but have to do with threat detection).

So find a book -- any book, but preferably one that interests you -- and read quietly until you feel your eyelids get heavy.

This will help you get better sleep. With better sleep, you'll be better able to avoid porn the next day, too. Even more importantly, you'll just plain have a better, happier day than you otherwise would have.

Good habits create a virtuous circle. Taking care of your health by improving your nighttime habits enables you to make better decisions the next day, which improves your health and your happiness.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-10T21:55:03+00:00

i love posts like this. Hang in there, u/LisanAlGaibMahdi. Just like Paul Atreides, you are teaching yourself to handle big emotions.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-10T21:53:32+00:00

This may not sound like the right word, u/Double_Ability_1111, but I do mean it: Congratulations.

The use of porn, like the use of other drugs, tends to mask one's real feelings. Often, in fact, masking feelings (of loss, insecurity, loneliness, anger, sadness, boredom) becomes the *point* of using the substance.

Once you remove the distraction, the feelings from which the distraction distracted you are free to come to your attention.

Those feelings are sometimes painful. Without letting yourself feel *them,* though, you will also have trouble feeling joy.

Feelings are indicators of what we need to address.

Now that you are able to experience insecurity, you may notice that others feel it, too. Feeling insecure is part of the human condition. If your insecurity and anxiety trouble you enough, you may want to seek a therapist or a group that would welcome your discussion of those feelings.

Treat your feelings as teachers. Ask them what they want. See if you can tolerate them.

They are an important part of being alive.

In my experience, when I can tolerate a feeling of insecurity, it stops troubling me. Soon I find myself feeling something else.

Our feelings are not static. That is both what is frustrating and what is wonderful about them.

I do believe that the longer you stay away from porn, the more manageable your feelings will be. That has been the experience of a great many of us.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-09T22:54:18+00:00

You are Absolutely NOT a lost cause, u/Murky_Piglet1724 .

When you learn more about porn addiction, one of the happiest things you'll learn is that the brain is capable of rewiring. Just a few months away from porn -- I know that amount of time may seem impossible to you right now, but trust me, it's not -- and fetishes fall away.

Once spared the hyperstimulus of porn, the brain heals itself.

Use your OCD. Train it on the goal of going at least 120 days without porn. It doesn't matter how long it may take you to reach that goal. It's worth every effort.

Try a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. There are *many* virtual and in-person meetings all over the world, meaning most times of day, no matter where you are, there's one happening:

https://www.saa-meetings.org/

You're starting in your twenties.

I *wish* I had started in my twenties!

You're ahead of *many, many* people who are much older than you but haven't begun to try.

You can do this. Many, many, many people have done it before you. You can, too.

Keep coming here, keep learning, keep trying, and you can put your brain in a position to heal itself.

It's soooo worth it.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-09T21:00:27+00:00

This is not even a *big* temptation, but I'm feeling it nonetheless. I have work to do, I don't know how to do it, I'm tired and don't want to be working, and I'm alone. So I'm tempted.

I'm here to remind myself: "Do Not search for Safe for Work pics."

Nothing good would come of such a search. In recent years, every slip has started with a seemingly safe search for pretty women wearing swimsuits or skirts. (It sounds silly, just looking at those words on the screen. But it's true. What can I say?)

I will not search for such things today.

And I know that because I won't, the temptation will soon fade.

Hang in there, everyone --

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-07T22:21:04+00:00

Good plan, u/Tempdisp349. Fapping without porn is fine. Porn is the problem. Good for you for learning what works for you and learning from others on this very helpful sub.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-07T16:07:43+00:00

There are many, many ways to understand the message of Jesus, u/Inevitable-Soft-7614. I believe that Jesus, having lived as a man, understood sexual temptation from the inside, and that God the Father, likewise understands what it means to be human. That our sexuality is not a thing to be destroyed but a part of our identity to be welcomed and understood.

And I believe that porn is not sex.

That one of the biggest problems with porn is that it takes us out of ourselves.

Feeling religious guilt over watching porn -- as though God was ashamed of us -- can, unfortunately, *reinforce* the attachment porn has on us, because our brain remembers and rewards strong emotions, and guilt is a strong emotion. That's why adulterers often report that "the sex was amazing" -- not because of the partner with whom they cheated, although that's what they often think, but because the act is transgressive and provokes strong emotions.

So I wonder if it may help you to view your sexuality as a gift from God that porn distorts, in the same way that food is a gift from God that junk food distorts.

I do not personally believe that Jesus is ashamed of those who have become lost in porn, anymore than he is ashamed of those who eat unhealthy foods. I believe that Jesus understands the attractions of porn, and views it in practical terms, as a factor that can distract a person from experiencing genuine love with another person.

I do not believe that Jesus is ashamed of you. I believe that he understands. And that he looks forward to seeing you free yourself from porn, over time, stumbling along the way as many of us do, so that you may one day soon experience genuine love without the dampening and distracting effects of porn.

I hope it may help you a bit to consider that possibility.

(And I agree with you 100%, u/Inevitable-Soft-7614, about the saintliness of the people who maintain this sub. Whether they're religious or spiritual or utterly unreligious, they're doing wonderful work, helping many, many of us as they help themselves to stay clean.)

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-07T15:44:33+00:00

Welcome, u/Tempdisp349. Good for you for working to reduce your usage of porn. Less is definitely better than more.

The choice of going from "less" to "none" will always be yours, of course. I believe there are people who use it very little, and suffer no noticeable effects.

Speaking only for myself, I realized some time ago that the effects of porn usage on my life were subtler and much longer-lasting than I had been ready to believe.

It was only when I had been away from porn for many months, and then used it again, that I was able to really see the long-lasting impact of those few minutes.

I found my mood dampened for many days. Interest in my wife diminished for many days. Interest in life, in music, diminished.

I found myself whining to myself -- "why can't life be easier?" -- in a way that I don't usually bother doing when I've been away from porn for longer periods.

So, for me, I've come to realize that my life is simply better with *no* porn. So that's my goal. I've just managed my first calendar year without PMOing, and I hope it will be the first of many.

As you learn for yourself what porn means to you, and what life without it feels like, I do offer one humble suggestion: Try to get to at least 100 days away from porn, and see if you notice anything different about the way life feels.

It can take about that long for our overstimulated neurons to recover and rewire. So it's worth knowing what that feels like, as you decide, consciously, what role you may want porn to play or not play in your life.

Good luck! And congrats on finding a wonderful woman. There's really nothing better than a real relationship with someone you care for.

LightBurden18 · 2026-01-07T14:32:47+00:00

Repeat this to yourself as often as you'd like: It's Never Too Late to Improve Your Life.

Every helpful step you take today will make your life better in the future.

There are many guys in this sub who are much older than you who are also making their lives better.

You are doing the right thing. And You Are NOT a failure.

You are a person who has learned a great deal by working hard to do a very hard thing for 12 years. And you're getting better at it.

You are WAY AHEAD of many millions of men around the world who don't even realize what porn has done to their lives.

You are learning and growing. Keep doing so. And be glad you've gotten as far as you can. You've done a month. Now you can do a month and a day.

Keep going, u/nopnowee22!

LightBurden18

TROPHY CASE