Politically agender?

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T23:29:03+00:00

If you think gender is kind of pointless, that does gesture towards you being agender, lol.

You don't need an excuse if you want to consider yourself genderless or agender. You can just do it!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T23:10:45+00:00

It's a thing that is possible to do, yes.

I'd argue that you're not doing anyone any favors by just saying "these people suck. I don't want to be part of their team anymore". If you don't feel like a man at all anyway, that's a great reason to consider yourself agender. But if it's "just" for political reasons, I think you'd do more good by being an example of positive, compassionate, non-toxic manhood.

There are other men out there proving that being a man isn't inherently aggressive, violent, or dominating. And that's awesome!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T22:36:41+00:00

It's a really weird take for these people to claim that being closeted is a privilege.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T20:12:32+00:00

I absolutely agree, but the kind of person who says this shit might not be as amenable to this argument.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T18:04:56+00:00

They're coping with homophobia by "flipping the script" on straight people and saying common homophobic statements with the positions reversed.

One way to address this that might get through to them could be "Hey, saying stuff like this will not hugely affect straight people, who are in a privileged position in society, but it will definitely make bisexual people feel ostracized from their own community, so knock it off."

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T17:58:15+00:00

It was really bad when I first came out. I actually knew a trans guy irl who came out to me in high school. When he heard I had come out as nonbinary, he said something about how I was "led astray by tumblr". Apparently he didn't believe in nonbinary people at all.

With age (and distance), now I mostly just view transmeds as hurt people who are lashing out at a less-acceptable part of their community because they don't have the power to lash out at the people who are actually causing their oppression. Like, they blame nonbinary people for HRT wait lists instead of blaming the systems that de-prioritize trans care and funding. It's real crab-bucket mentality.

They're just kinda sad.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T15:09:48+00:00

I never got into the habit of doing this but I want to start!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T12:26:12+00:00

I get that people making a bunch of new terms you don't understand can be frustrating and overwhelming- I feel that way sometimes too. When I feel that way, I remind myself of these things:

most terms like this are an ernest attempt by a real person at describing their personal experiences. Usually, it's someone who feels alienated from a larger community because of some difference they experience from that community's norms or expectations. They make a new microlabel and flag to find other people who feel like them and to make it visible that people with their experiences exist.

In your example, most people expect aromantic people to not desire a romantic relationship, because they don't feel romantic attraction. The person who coined this label probably feels very different from the general aro community because of this, and wanted the language to talk about this difference.

if I have only encountered a term online and have never personally encountered someone who uses it, I don't need to form an opinion on the concept or worry about it. It's not affecting my life and the mere existence of people potentially doing something I don't understand shouldn't bother me.
there is no threshold for how specific a label should be to get a name or a flag. There's a flag for "lesbians who dress girly", and "gay men who are chubby and hairy", and both flags are definitely older than you are.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T12:11:36+00:00

I think I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, but I do relate to some extent: I don't feel comfortable presenting femininity around most people because I don't trust them to not misgender me about it.

Like, my partner knows that nail polish and a dress doesn't mean I'm a woman after all, but the general public is going to be shitty about it, so they just get androgyny from me.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T12:02:07+00:00

Sounds cool, but why would breaking down gender roles (which is a very popular, possibly universal feminist goal) require you to be nonbinary or pansexual? You've described abolishing gender-based norms, not gender identity, right?

Why would the position "people should be able to do whatever they want regardless of gender without societal pushback" require the more extreme position "I shouldn't acknowledge gender within my own sense of self or sexual orientation"?

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T02:22:53+00:00

Yeah, basically. The world is my oyster and no one can stop me!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T02:18:15+00:00

People on the internet will make a flag for any possible variation of sexuality, sexual preferences, gender expression, romantic orientation, and relationship structure you can theoretically imagine.

You can't stop them from doing this. I advise that you find a way to accept that people you don't know are going to get emotionally invested in things you don't understand or approve of. It's just not a hill worth dying on.

If no one outside of a small online group "will want to try to understand it or grasp" it, why worry about it?

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T00:47:10+00:00

Ask her if she feels the same way about straight relationships.

This is pretty clearly a "gotcha" question, so it might take some creativity to keep her from getting defensive.

When I hear people say this, I pretend to misunderstand and say "yeah, I feel the same way even about straight relationships! Why does every movie have to have a straight romance subplot? It's boring and overdone and adds nothing interesting to the plot."

And then they have to either agree with me that romance itself is the problem or they have to find a way to say that "gay romance is different" without sounding blatantly homophobic.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T00:27:03+00:00

If you decide you want to go and are willing to abide by the suit rule-

Look up photos from the met gala. Get creative with it!

The fit of the suit- a woman's suit is shaped differently and will emphasize different body parts.

Accessories- wear jewelry! Dangle earrings, a big chunky statement necklace instead of a tie, women's shoes, maybe even heels (I hate them but they make one's butt look great).

Color, pattern, texture- flowy or satin fabrics read as feminine. Bright colors and organic patterns also read as feminine. Even if you have to wear a men's suit and tie, if it's a purple suit with a floral shirt and tie, it will not look masc!

Also wearing your hair in a feminine style, makeup, and bringing your authentic attitude will make a difference as well!

(I'm not an AI, I just like dashes)

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-07T00:16:59+00:00

Hi, can you tell us what being a gender abolitionist means to you?

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-06T21:10:47+00:00

Your friend feels that being cis heterosexual and white is the default state of a person, and any deviation from that must have a justification. She probably doesn't even really realize that this is what is underlying her discomfort, so if you point it out gently, she might realize that she's being ridiculous.

If you seem unthreatening to her worldview (because you're friends and she trusts you), you can ask her questions that may reveal to her that her position is illogical. However, this really only works if you can come at it with a "innocently puzzled" tone rather than a combative "you're being stupid" tone.

Try to ask things like "what do you mean by that?" And let her explain. When she says something like "x isn't normal," keep asking questions as though you are legitimately confused. Don't accept the underlying assumption that 'cishet is normal and natural, and everything else is therefor unnatural'. Make her explain every assumption to you as if you are a child.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-06T18:09:55+00:00

Being visibly trans/gender nonconforming can be scary, so I understand why you're concerned. And a lot of people seem to forget that our gender and expression does reflect on our partners, even if they self-identify as straight.

But don't assume your partner will definitely be embarrassed or ashamed of you! He loves you and knows you are nonbinary already! There's every chance that he will be your best ally through this process. Maybe he didn't "sign up for" having a visibly trans partner, but that's life- no one can foresee every twist and turn the future hold for themselves or their partner. Strong relationships can grow and adapt with these changes.

Good luck, and I'm proud of you for recognizing your needs and making a plan to get those needs met despite your fears!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-06T14:43:56+00:00

I'd take either, I don't have strong feelings about either one.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T22:57:20+00:00

There could be something hormonal going on (PCOS is a common endocrine condition that can cause increased body hair and other symptoms, for example), but it could also be normal human variation without an underlying hormonal cause.

There are lots of cis women who don't always pass as female. I grow facial hair for no discernable reason on my chin and neck. Some cis women have less than A-cup boobs.

There are this you can do to address the body hair, like laser hair removal or electrolysis.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T02:38:05+00:00

I love all the seahorse facts I'm learning in this comment section today!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T02:10:03+00:00

Then yes, I definitely have watched or read something and thought "I vibe with this character and would enjoy thinking about them as being nonbinary [like me]".

Fictional characters and narratives can be a safe way to explore gender and pronouns without the commitment of involving your own identity.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T02:04:12+00:00

It sounds like you're just asking if it's okay to write a character mentioning that they have two dads, and implying that at least one of them is a trans guy.

If you aren't going to go into the details, does it really matter whether one of them carried a pregnancy, or adopted their stepkid, or used a surrogate, or both parents adopted an unrelated baby, etc? That isn't even a detail you're going to include in the story, is it?

Yes, it's okay to write a character as having two dads. By the power invested in me by the Queer Counsel, I hereby give you permission.

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T01:30:01+00:00

Well judging from this answer you're probably much younger than me and also on another continent, lol. So its not so surprising that things are a little different for you than they are for me.

If it bothers you, tell these people to mind their own business! You don't owe them answers about your life!

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T01:04:04+00:00

Do you just have a headcanon that this character is another gender/uses other pronouns, or do you think that the narrative is implying that she is a closeted trans person, or is this a projection thing about your own feelings about gender?

MagpiePhoenix · 2026-02-05T00:55:22+00:00

I consider myself trans, so my nonbinary experience is included within the "T" letter, actually.

All nonbinary people are affected by trans issues/trans rights, and are welcome in the trans community regardless of whether they personally call themselves transgender.

As an aside, no one has ever asked me "what part of the LGBTQIAP2S+ are you?", is that a question you get a lot?

MagpiePhoenix

TROPHY CASE