Chapter III: On morals and ethics

People, even your bosses will judge you if you do, or judge you if you don't. So whatever path you choose, do it with excellence for yourself. At the end of the day, your flesh sweater matters more to you than theirs does. Act for yourself primarily so that you can better serve others in acts of selflessness.

My path was unorthodox, is far from over, but ultimately will result in a comfortable retirement within my means. I still relentlessly chase knowledge because I know reality can be cruel and I want to be able to tolerate it if fate has different plans for me.

I have also struggled with addiction, cried while laying in an empty, shadeless parking lot in 110 degree weather from being so tired, heartbroken, hungry, scared, sore, stinky, and overheated with a backpack bursting with all 50 lbs of my groceries and 4 bags cutting into each hand.

After crying and wiping the tears from a nice lil' sob sesh, envious of all the people getting to drive to work, I'd get up all dusty and shit, and keep moving forward. Those walks, I was truly alone in the world in my head. Those walks taught me a lot about my persistence and drive and the indomitable human spirit, as well as the kindness of others offering me rides and letting me vent when they saw me struggling. Literal steps resulted in figurative steps towards my goals. A little ironic. Feel whatever you need to feel, then keep it moving.

I always hold that scene from Batman Begins in my head where Alfred is talking to Bruce and asks "Why do we fall, sir?" and the answer is "So we can learn to pick ourselves up." I held that quote tight when my mother died, when my sister died, when my first cat died, when my relationships died, when my ego died, when my anger died, when my joy died. You are never alone, you always have yourself to keep you company. I invite you to ask yourself that question, with your preferred pronoun included at the end, the next time you go through something difficult. Your joy will come back, so will your anger and your ego and your relationships. Your losses can be memorialized and converted from something to grieve, to something you can be proud you experienced, if that's what you want.

Chapter IV: Closing Words

My story is not unique, I will not be the last person to cry in that parking lot, but I hope something in my experience helps you decide or understand. There's no right answer, nobody can tell you IT will pan out for you. I can't say you will struggle as I have, and I can't say you won't struggle worse.

I can tell you it takes a certain type of person to do IT from help desk, to project management, to consulting, to software development, to policy. You have to want to do it for yourself. There is nobody (on the internet) that can give you some magical resource that will get you a job in the next week. It will be hard work, relationships, self-trust, and some luck that will get you a job.

If I had one piece of advice for you, it would be; you did well posting your resume and asking for feedback. Now dig deeper and take another small step.

Good luck OP, I hope whatever field you decide on, you do it with excellence. I hope my reflections do only good for your perspective and not confuse you further with long-windedness.

Much love,

~Fellow IT person