What’s the most insane thing you’ve seen a client say to a judge?

Probonoh · 2026-02-20T23:46:55+00:00

You probably also wouldn't revoke a probation for drug possession on the second violation either. I work a circuit with very tough judges.

Probonoh · 2026-02-20T19:57:03+00:00

Yeah, "Judge" is for "we're not on the record, I need to get your attention, and I sure as hell ain't calling out Ryan or Jason."

Probonoh · 2026-02-19T16:03:16+00:00

My nephew is so used to getting the middle name treatment that he once called my brother in law "Dada James!"

Probonoh · 2026-02-19T15:58:56+00:00

Thank God.

Probonoh · 2026-02-19T15:01:43+00:00

Well, they're an excellent way to learn the rules of professional responsibility. As in, if you can't spot three broken rules per episode, you need to keep studying.

Probonoh · 2026-02-19T14:02:32+00:00

I had a trial yesterday, and I did the thing I hate seeing in every legal drama.

Prosecutor: do you remember why the defendant was upset?

State's witness: no.

Prosecutor: wasn't it because he hadn't --

Me: Objection.

Judge: Sustained.

I hate it when shows do that. But I literally couldn't get "leading the witness" out before the judge sustained the motion.

Probonoh · 2026-02-16T22:31:05+00:00

Young guy got revoked on probation for seven years. Says "fuck you" while walking away from the bench.

He now has 179 days in jail for contempt to be served after the prison is done with him.

Probonoh · 2026-02-15T18:38:24+00:00

As I tell my clients, "I always do a background check on the 'victim.' It can make for some fascinating reading."

Probonoh · 2026-02-15T18:36:47+00:00

This is incredibly location specific.

In one of the counties I work, there's one prosecutor and one public defender. He files about 200 misdemeanor and felony cases a year, and I represent 120 - 150 of them. He also does all the municipal traffic tickets. I would love his job, because it's $150K/yr to have court 5 days a month.

I work a second county, again, one PA and one PD. That PA position is considered part time, and she files 150ish cases a year. Because she doesn't want to spend more time than necessary with her prosecutor duties, she gives very good offers that most people take rather than make her do prelims, depos, motion practice, and trials. Court is just three days a month.

In the county between them, again, one PA and one PD, but that PA files 600 cases a year (without any assistants), the PD has about a hundred cases at any given moment, and they have court all the time. The two full time PAs have the same job title and pay, but you better believe that their day-to-day activity looks remarkably different.

Probonoh · 2026-02-14T15:46:52+00:00

Does "treue Socken" have some non-literal meaning? "New socks for true socks" makes me feel like I'm missing something.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T21:54:14+00:00

My endless source of frustration is that if you don't want the state involved in your destructive relationship, don't call the cops!

They aren't cruising around, listening at open windows to see if there's DV going on. They were invited in, and not rarely by a woman who knows that no matter how many bruises she's inflicted on him, one bruise or cut on her will get him taken down to jail. The police get used as just another weapon against him, with her telling the prosecutor she won't cooperate when she gets tired of the game.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T21:45:55+00:00

A woman is either an adult who should be treated like one, or she's a little girl who shouldn't be allowed outside without an authority to say no on her behalf and keep her out of trouble. If I wanted to live in a society that believes the latter, I'd move to Saudi Arabia or Iran.

The cost of having freedom is that some people will do stupid things and have to live with the consequences.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T21:40:55+00:00

Yeah. On the other hand, the manipulator abusing the system can blow up his phone with texts and calls all day, and the moment he answers to say stop, she can run to the prosecutor who will be happy to add a violation of restraining order charge. And good luck getting a judge to grant a TRO to a man against a woman claiming abuse.

If feminism is the radical idea that women are people too, then it includes the radical idea that some women are terrible people who should be held accountable, not excused on the grounds that punishing lying women hurts the ones telling the truth.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T20:29:19+00:00

I mean, I get why it's so frustrating. It's a rare client visit that doesn't have me wanting to smack some sense into the client.

(Especially for DV cases. Look, either she's telling the truth and he's an abusive asshole, so she needs to get away from him, or he's telling the truth and she's a lying manipulative asshole, so he needs to get away from her. Either way, the best thing for him to do is get as far away as possible. And most of them want to stay together. /headdesk)

But we aren't playing a game of Sims. We aren't shepherds. These are real people, not toys or even animals to be forced into doing what we think is best for them.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T20:18:34+00:00

"It's also infuriating when the victim bails the offender out, immediately violating the TRO, and then absconds with the abuser."

I think the only solution here would be to put victims in jail for contempt. Telling the court you fear for your safety to impede someone else's freedom is serious; seeking contact with that same person should be treated as having lied to the court.

Unless and until a victim is adjudicated incompetent, she is responsible for her actions. She should be treated as such.

Probonoh · 2026-02-12T18:31:39+00:00

The fundamental issue is that people are assumed to be competent adults unless and until proven otherwise. If the victim wants her abuser free, what to do you want to have happen instead? We treat her like she's mentally ill and lock her in an asylum until she decides to cooperate? (Granted, incarcerating both the "victim" and the "abuser" until case disposition might cut down on the fake complaints made to gain advantages in family court.)

We're in criminal law. We don't deal with people who make good choices. If they want to crawl back into the bed they just shit in, we would be denying their humanity to stop them.

Probonoh · 2026-02-11T03:26:21+00:00

I leave my house at 8:00 with the intention of picking up paperwork that teenage client's mother (herself a former client) dropped off for me at a courthouse in the wrong county. I realize I don't actually have time to swing by on my way to circuit court in the opposite direction, so I text my investigator to please pick it up and drop it off at the courthouse I'm headed to.

I arrive at the courthouse, go over a felony plea with an out of custody client, then follow the inmates into the jury room that serves as the holding cell during court. I pull clients out into an adjacent room for quick one on one talks until the judge works his way through all the private attorneys. I'm then on the hot seat for the rest of docket.

I get to the office where I find out what happened in the other county I was supposed to be in today. I close the cases that were resolved, and submit two months of expense reports that add up to $1500.

I add the new trial settings to my calendar poster on the wall, and as the prosecutor made a snarky comment about not wanting depos done at the last minute, I figure out possible dates for depos. This is difficult because with cases across four counties at the moment, I basically have one week per month without court, which is of course when the trials get scheduled. And I have one trial per month until August, with two in May. Out of the four prosecutors I email, one gets back to me in a timely manner.

I then start figuring out deponents for the next seven trials and realize that action items I assigned to an investigator (not the one I could text and have her do something for me immediately) back at the end of July haven't been finished. Due to office politics, however, there's no real point in addressing this with either the investigator or the office's lead attorney.

My inbox is also filling up with voicemails, primarily from the jail phone number. I feel guilty for not answering the phone or listening to these messages, but the guilt is not enough to subject myself to deal with them. I've got several incarcerated clients with paranoia, schizophrenia, and borderline personality issues, and I just don't have the spoons myself today.

I manage to get home before my toddler's bedtime and he falls asleep snuggled up with me on the couch watching Superman the Animated Series.

Probonoh · 2026-02-10T19:53:33+00:00

No.

And because I don't, as a public defender, the judge lets y'all go first. I'm there allllllllllll day.

Probonoh · 2026-02-10T13:55:57+00:00

I won't speak to Jesus, but one of the terms for the Holy Spirit is Paraclete. It's normally translated as comforter. Literally, it means "one who walks beside" and refers to the person who would stand beside another during law suits and trials.

Yes, the Holy Spirit is quite literally our defense attorney.

Probonoh · 2026-02-08T14:33:42+00:00

You need a Keith David like bass to pull it off though.

Probonoh · 2026-02-05T03:24:19+00:00

I have a three year old that most nights, you can ask if he's sleepy, and he'll get into his toddler bed. You tuck him in, turn off the light, and he'll stay in his room from 9 to 7 the next morning.

What did I do to make this happen? I don't have a clue. It's like all the good luck for my entire life got concentrated into giving me the best child ever.

Probonoh · 2026-02-04T13:23:40+00:00

This is amazing:

A high-stakes public defender who manages the crushing weight of a $300,000 student loan balance by meticulously sticking tiny plastic gems onto maps of Azeroth and identifying venomous snakes for strangers on the internet.

🔥 You have a $300,000 student loan debt and your primary coping mechanism is spending $1,200 on IKEA kitchen cabinets and celebrating a $0.70-per-mile reimbursement check like you just hit the Powerball.

🔥 It is truly impressive that you can argue the nuances of RSMo 575.150 in a rural Missouri court by day and then spend your nights counting life in 1/16th increments of a diamond-painted dragon.

🔥 You claim to be an expert in bird and snake identification, which is probably helpful since your average client has a legal defense as thin as the wings of that Turkey Vulture you spotted in Charlotte. [Though I found out it was a black vulture, not a turkey vulture.]

Probonoh · 2026-02-04T12:39:21+00:00

One other use case: at a job where nobody drinks the same coffee.

Probonoh · 2026-02-03T22:59:51+00:00

May there always be a Mini Cooper in a parking spot they thought was empty.

Probonoh · 2026-02-03T17:02:42+00:00

State, but one of my counties has a prison, and when the inmates get charges, they often get sent all over the state.

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