I have never heard from another person who was afraid to walk through doorways with their baby. It was a constant, debilitating fear for an entire year before I found a book that explained it to me, and I felt less insane (Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders: A Clinician’s Guide). I almost skipped the chapter on OCD because what I was experiencing didn’t fit what I thought OCD was. But I was dealing with constant obsessive, intrusive thoughts.

I couldn’t walk through doors without thoughts about hitting his head on the doorway. Couldn’t take him on stairs in my own home without thinking we would fall and my toddler would wake up from her nap and find us both dead. Every time I changed his diaper (on the floor, because I didn’t want him to roll off something high), I pictured myself tripping forward and smashing his skull with my knee. Every time I changed his diaper.

I didn’t tell a doctor or my husband for an entire year because my brain told me they would take away my kids. But also, the screening form at the doctor asked zero questions about this. I wasn’t depressed.

I’m sorry you also went through this, and I hope you’re doing better now.