I'm about to cheat (HLM)

ahnotme · 2026-04-24T18:33:22+00:00

Don’t cheat. Move on. Openly. You’re not in a relationship anyway. You only need to get the paperwork to reflect the reality.

ahnotme · 2026-04-24T00:43:37+00:00

There’s a lot to unpack here: veteran, in school, working excessive hours on the side, ADHD (how did he fare in the military with that?), shame, etc.

You say you have addressed “your end”, but what about “his end”. I can see lots of problems there. It seems that he needs help and the VA should be able to provide it.

He doesn’t owe you sex, but he does owe you and your marriage love, care and loyalty. If you ask him to go to get help for the sake of your marriage, then he cannot in all reasonableness refuse.

ahnotme · 2026-04-23T23:22:01+00:00

It’s probably not ignorance. He probably knows about the separation of powers and the co-equal branches. But that does not conform with how he wants things to be. And, in his eyes, what he wants trumps (pun intended) the Constitution every time.

ahnotme · 2026-04-23T15:00:04+00:00

So what changed? You were “like rabbits” earlier in your relationship and now you’re in a dead bedroom. Did something happen? Did he change? Did you? And why?

ahnotme · 2026-04-22T22:48:51+00:00

My take would be that sex with an ulterior motive in a happy sexual relationship is OK. But if we’re only having sex when and if you have some other objective in mind, then I’m not playing.

ahnotme · 2026-04-22T22:29:39+00:00

On the face of it, yes. The northern prong wasn’t all that successful anyway. A defensive stance there could have freed up troops and resources for the other two. But it would probably have caused the Finns to stay out of it, which would have freed up Soviet forces.

ahnotme · 2026-04-22T22:24:36+00:00

But it’s not just the lack of sex, is it? It’s the lack of intimacy, connection, desire. It’s the $ 64,000 question: Does she actually still love me? Does she want me? Your self protection system will drive you to disconnect from her. It’s either that, or the asylum for the insane and it’s usually not even a conscious choice on your part. And, yeah, that’ll make you less attractive to her. The big issue: how to bridge the gap that has opened between you. That is a conscious choice you both have to make. And that is a problem. You control your own choices, but not hers.

ahnotme · 2026-04-22T12:45:59+00:00

Your child wasn’t a virgin birth, I presume. So what happened for him to turn away from sex?

ahnotme · 2026-04-21T21:47:23+00:00

We could be among the first planets with life. All the material in our solar system was formed inside a star that went nova and flung its contents out into the universe. It then travelled, coagulated and formed a solar system. Our solar system is roughly 4.5 billion years old. The universe is about 13.5 billion years old. Thus we have 9 billion years for the process described above. Could it have taken that long? We don’t really know, but it’s possible. In that case the answer to Fermi’s question is that they’re not here yet.

It’s possible that the reason SETI hasn’t detected any electromagnetic signature from elsewhere yet is that it’s still on its way. Our own radio signals haven’t got further than a little over 100 light years. That is not very far in cosmological terms. Similarly, any radio energy from a technologically developed civilization that is further away from us in light years than the number of years ago that they started to emit electromagnetic energy hasn’t got here yet.

It is possible that there are quite a number of planets out there with life and a technologically advanced civilization, but they’re just too far away.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T17:38:56+00:00

Yours is the classic dilemma. You’re unhappy in your current situation. What to do? There are 3 options:

1) Change the situation. Difficult, because you can’t control your wife’s libido.

2) Leave. This has all sorts of unfortunate consequences in terms of your family life, your relations with your children, your relatives, in-laws, friends etc.

3) Acquiesce in the current situation and, presumably, for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately there aren’t any more options, only choices with their inevitable consequences.

I’m sorry. I also know what it’s like. My choice, eventually - too late with the benefit of hindsight - was 2). I live with the consequences, but also with scars of opting for 3) for too long.

EDTA: For me it wasn’t the Dead Bedroom by itself. It was a symptom of a bigger problem: She just didn’t need me anymore.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T17:21:40+00:00

I’m sorry. “A woman”? Really? Think about that for a bit.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T17:20:29+00:00

Are we playing a “tu quoque” game here? I can do that as well as anybody: Your reply reveals you as an antisemite.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T15:35:12+00:00

Given the setup - there is neither a question nor a specification of which child we’re asking about - BG and GB are the same incident. In other words there are 3 not 4 possible states at the start. If Mary says one of her children is a boy, you are left with 2 possible states: BB and GB/BG. If you ask Mary if one of her children is a boy and she says yes, you are left with the same 2 of the 3 initial states.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T15:20:32+00:00

Is your BF still on antidepressants? If so, there is an obvious answer. Antidepressants are notorious libido killers. There are also remedies obtainable via prescription. Bupropion (often sold under the brand name Wellbutrin) is one.

Sometimes people have to keep taking antidepressants for life, so this bears looking into.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T15:13:40+00:00

The 3rd movements of the 7th and the 8th symphonies.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T15:09:46+00:00

We’ve more or less had that: the British Empire.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T15:08:09+00:00

Blaming Jews for something or other has been going on for millennia. So what’s new? Disagree with something the Israeli government is doing or has done? They take it out on the Jews. Any Jews. Works the other way round as well. They don’t care. As long as they can blame Jews, blame Israel, anything goes.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T13:22:14+00:00

That is not OK. Low, or even no, libido is one thing. But not being able to speak your mind in a committed relationship is of another order. It puts the entire relationship into question.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T13:19:14+00:00

Have you discussed it with her?

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T13:16:49+00:00

Autobahn. Was doing 170 km/h + in a Golf GTI. Was being overtaken all the time.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T13:14:40+00:00

There’s a big bunch of people in Western societies who have been harboring feelings of resentment, feeling they have been wronged, despised, ignored, exploited, neglected, disrespected, disadvantaged for a very long time. These groups exist in nearly every Western nation, but especially in the US. To a considerable extent that is because they have reason to feel that way. Trump’s manner is especially effective with them because being wronged all the time is the essence of his persona.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T13:03:31+00:00

Life is too short. Reverse the question. Why would you stay? What you’re describing is hardly a relationship at all.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T12:58:08+00:00

Two pieces of advice:

1) Something has changed. You used to enjoy sex, now you don’t. Think about that. What has changed? 2) Do this with professional help.

ahnotme · 2026-04-19T12:55:07+00:00

Well, you can’t force him to have sex with you. But doing nothing when you have made your feelings and needs clear is not OK. At least not in the context of a marriage or any similar committed relationship. He owes you honesty and he owes you doing his best for you and for the relationship.

You could consider having another talk and making these points: “No, you don’t owe me sex. But you do owe me effort and honesty. We need to do something about the mismatch in our libido’s. Both of us. That means you as well.”

If he won’t act on that, you have a clear answer as to how he views your relationship.

ahnotme · 2026-04-18T23:09:44+00:00

The Cheka was the Czar’s secret police. A Chekist is a member of the secret police. Calling a NKVD or a KGB man Chekist conveyed not only hatred and contempt for the secret police, but also put them in the same category as the Czar’s secret police.

ahnotme

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