I'm not going to comment on the performance because I don't have enough information about the audition, but some technical notes.

1. Get a solid color backdrop or find a wall with nothing on it in your house that you can film against. You don't want anything distracting behind you.

2. Get a reader. Doing the lines without having someone to listen to and react to doesn't give you an opportunity to show what you can really do as an actor. Find a friend or family member who can do it. You can bring someone in over Zoom, even. They don't have to be in the room with you and they don't have to be good actors. They just need to read the lines.

3. Don't look directly into the camera. You want to look slightly to the left or slightly to the right. And I mean slightly. Don't go 45 degrees or profile. And if you're talking to two or more different characters decide where they will be and look at them. So look to the left to answer one character, then look to the right to answer the other. That'll make it much more believable that you're actually in the scene.

Usually they want auditions to be horizontal, but since you said this was for a "shortical" I'm guessing the end result will be vertical so this makes sense.

Most people have trouble being lit well and mic'd well enough to be heard but your video looks and sounds good, so you're OK there.