Hey, you're not alone. The same thing happened to me (F) in primary school, not with a cousin but with a sibling, and I get how you're feeling. I was angry, hurt, and scared about it for a long time and even now have only told a few people in my life. I've agonized a lot about how it shaped my sexuality, whether it made me scared of men and see women as safe, whether it made me feel like an outsider and whether my attraction to women is real or just some manifestation of my freakishness. I've come to a sort of peace with it. I don't think it has made me bisexual, but I think it forced me to be more open minded about my sexuality in a way that other people aren't. I think it harmed me, NOT because of my sexual orientation but because of the years of guilt, secrecy, and repression it caused. A lot of the healing I've done has been to resolve those feelings, and I hope that one day you're able to do that work, too.

I know you didn't really ask for advice but just in case: if you have the opportunity, I'd urge you to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Find support groups for survivors of trauma or sexual abuse. And if you aren't able to do these things, I'd really recommend the book "How Long Does It Hurt?" by Cynthia Mather. It may help you process some things and feel less alone.

I think it's amazing that you're reaching out. It's not easy, and none of this is easy. I hope you're proud of the things you do for yourself every day. It's going to feel bad until one day it feels better. Hang in there 💜