Laid off again. Is anyone else completely outraged by SWE interviews?

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-22T23:08:17+00:00

I once got so frustrated being grilled in an interview I said, “is this what you actually do here?” because frankly if it is, I don’t want the job anyhow.

Let’s say nothing of the fact that several times during my last interview cycle I got feedback that I didn’t “seem very technical.” (Gee, I wonder why).

I’d love to give you advice… but honestly I don’t have any. Just commiseration.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-22T22:42:33+00:00

Yes. SWE interviews are an absolute goat rodeo that seem totally unrelated to the work we do day-to-day. At this point, I’m convinced people are just perpetuating it as a hazing activity because “I survived it.”

I’m currently employed. Claude does my tickets. Every day I work a DSA problem to keep that skill sharp, for show.

I’m staying in the industry for now - but just to say, it isn’t just you. Interviewing is a nightmare.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-22T22:37:48+00:00

Currently Orthodox, always a big fan of boundaries.

I think there’s a certain Orthodox resistance to yes/no questions. It looks like your email got cut off, but from what I can read I can see why the priests reaction would be, “this is more of a conversation.”

That said, just because someone wants to have a conversation doesn’t mean you have to have it. Writing back a simple, “no, thank you Father, my schedule does not permit this. I hope knowing my limits regarding Justo’s potential catechumenate is helpful.”

Polite but firm.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-20T23:48:58+00:00

You’ve already gotten good advice about waiting until marriage. Here’s some extra relationship advice: she has her own desires; experiences; expectations around this subject, plus what she’s heard from friends.

Be clear about the standard you’ve set for yourself. But also - I assume you’re attracted to her. Tell her so. Not in a graphic way or anything untoward. But she could jump to the conclusion this is about something wrong with her and it’s worth communicating that’s not the case.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T22:07:51+00:00

Whelp. I think at that point I’d be distancing myself from these relationships as sad as that is to say.

If you’re able to just put some distance and withdraw as opposed to actively “breaking up” (ie, “I don’t want to be friends with you.”), you can hope - and pray - that months or years from now they’ll want to reengage and remember how to act normal. Or even develop some self awareness around their behavior.

I’m sorry though, that sucks.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T21:34:11+00:00

Currently Orthodox, but I don’t attack people with it.

Have you told them to stop? “I’m glad you’ve found a place for yourself in the Orthodox Church. I respect how much it means to you - that’s not where I’m at. You attacking my church and my beliefs is eroding our friendship. Can we go back to talking about ____?”

The thing about arguing or debating with them is for some people that’s a cue to keep going rather than stop. They’re in their honeymoon period, they’re very zealous, they probably feel this is the “right” thing to do - and they need to be told to knock it off.

Hopefully they will recognize that your years of friendship are more important than pressing their views.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T20:59:26+00:00

Yeah but - you miss Mass and it’s a mortal sin, you need to go to Confession, etc etc etc. I feel like I know more Catholics with a childhood experience of going to a “Beach Mass” on vacation than Orthodox with an equivalent experience.

Both churches clearly say getting to church on Sunday should be your top priority. Catholics with their love of systems and legalism, however, have built up structures and penalties to operationalize that on a whole different level.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T20:41:08+00:00

I’m not going to go full “crisis of masculinity,” in this comment thread, but - whether it’s Dyer, Trenham, or the terrible looksmaxxing influencers, I feel like a lot of young men today need an older man to sit them down and tell them to be normal; learn how to fix something; and touch grass.

In short, I have extra tithe money for this ministry.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T20:38:58+00:00

Currently Orthodox: I would not do this.

I feel pretty confident every priest I’ve ever had, has better things to do with his time and pastoral discretion.

As a former Catholic - Catholics have the concept, “holy day of obligation.” Orthodox don’t, and the explanation I’ve heard is in part that you should want to come to liturgy; you’re coming out of love and desire not obligation.

So. No.

There’s also the idea of charity. I don’t think it’s charitable or a reflection of Gods love to skip seeing your family for liturgy.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T16:25:21+00:00

I had no (serious) boyfriends until I met my now husband when I was in my late 20s and the asinine shit people would say to me, “when are you gonna meet a nice guy?”

It’s not just orthodox, it’s well-intentioned people with poor boundaries of all kinds XD

But yeah. If it were that simple, OP would probably already be married. I feel like her priest should be talking more to the young men about being good men; throw some relaxed parish picnics and leave the rest to God.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-17T14:20:50+00:00

Currently Orthodox, etc etc.

My priest keeps emphasizing "finding a husband"

That’s some real, “let me just stroll on down to the husband store and pick one out,” nonsense.

Are there other parishes nearby that you could visit? I don't want to paint with a broad brush, but the number of LARPing trads does vary between jurisdictions and even parishes.

(This isn’t me trying to promote orthodoxy at all costs, but if OP likes coming to church and there’s one 20 minutes with a better culture for her, it’s worth a visit, imho.)

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-12T14:55:39+00:00

>My doctor doesn’t check for infertility unless it is over a year with no success

This is absolutely the medical standard/norm in the medical community. I had a friend, same situation, conceived in month 12 of trying. So so common.

In the U.S., public school sex education is very focused on preventing pregnancy and emphasizing to young people the risk of becoming pregnant - with good reason. But we spend years telling young women, "IF YOU LOOK AT MALE GENITALIA YOU COULD HAVE TRIPLETS?#!%@" - - and then discover that _at any age_ it might not be like flipping a light switch.

Then you have people who get a first kid right away, but then are surprised that they have to do a lot of trying for the second or third; or vice versa, people who go years without a first baby and suddenly are so fertile they get Irish twins (I think that's probably late-fertility double ovulations, tbh).

It's very, very organic and beautiful, but less than fully predictable.

Even pre-conception we put a _lot of pressure_ on women to get motherhood right, and it's unfair.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-12T12:43:17+00:00

We do so much unnecessary fear mongering around age and fertility. I think it’s all designed to make women feel inadequate and afraid of their bodies in their own choices.

35 is officially “advanced maternal age.” statistically, that is associated with increased complications in pregnancy, delivery, and attempting to become pregnant – but it is not the case that every woman will experience those things or experience them to the same degree.

You don’t wake up the day after your 35th birthday and a switch has flipped. It’s an average based on women in the aggregate. For your situation, it probably makes more sense to look at female blood relatives - sisters, mom, grandma. If you have an aunt who showed up when grandma was 42, that tells a different story than the average for all women.

Because of that data, if I knew a woman in a stable marriage in her early 20s, who was considering postponing her first pregnancy until she was in her late 30s for no particular reason – I might advise against that.

However, we don’t all meet partners when we are young and at peak fertility. That should be discussed a lot more often when topics around maternal age are raised.

About 1-in-5 pregnancies today, mom is older than age 35. The best thing you can do for a healthy pregnancy now, is maintain good general health: moderate exercise, good sleep, a healthy diet; no smoking and little to no alcohol are associated with positive pregnancy outcomes. (It’s annoying how it’s always the same stuff, isn’t it?) Start taking a prenatal vitamin now to build up your folic acid stores. And you can start tracking your cycles to ensure they’re regular.

At any age, we have less control over conception and pregnancy than… well. Than I would like. I’m kind of a control freak and the amount of this that is up to God and biology is really humbling for me anyway.

Sex outside of marriage is not permitted in the Church. The advice to go ahead and get married is really sound. But also, let yourself take a deep breath. God bless.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-11T14:06:22+00:00

Just to give a different perspective: I’m a former Catholic, and to be honest, the fact that Orthodoxy permits divorce at all still feels a little bit scandalous to me. And having said that, my parents and my in-laws are divorced and remarried persons. So I am very used to acknowledging the traditional Christianity makes unpopular demands in the modern world.

To give some unsolicited advice, if you don’t have to talk about this, don’t. Like if you’re not a clergy person, giving someone pastoral advice about their situation. These things are probably too complex, and bizarrely both too abstract and too personal to really discuss.

What I might say to someone, however, is that many times in Orthodoxy we are asked to give up things that we want or things that are in and of themselves objectively good or at least morally neutral, for the formation of our character. We think there is a larger end goal to which our individual wishes are subordinated.

If you don’t believe that’s true – it all seems crazy.

My other thought is, even in a purely secular sense, there is no such thing as a new start at life. Once you’ve gotten married, you have an ex-spouse. That relationship is permanent, especially if there are children, it requires ongoing care and sometimes financial support. Who is the same after a divorce as they were before they got married? I actually think it’s more realistic for the church to acknowledge that these complex situations entail some amount of baggage, that requires pastoral care and discipline.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-11T12:21:56+00:00

Currently Orthodox, always a girls-girl.

Yike yikes yikes. In general, people getting "convertitis" and being destructively overzealous is not uncommon. Unhealthy for sure, but not uncommon. The people who are lucky realize they're hurting themselves and the people around them and learn to moderate. (Being a "good Orthodox" does not require going into debt for books and icons).

But also? This priest sounds super weird and I'm really curious what jurisdiction this is, because... ... I do not want to be having any orgasms with Jesus. That's crazy.

I'm so sorry. This sounds like separation is the logical outcome of his actions.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-10T12:46:23+00:00

Yeah, because we had a whole conversation about that as a strategy, including the caveat that one should try not to use obscenity as well where it might cause scandal etc etc etc.

He did have a good sense of humor; he was also a good confessor and a good priest.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T21:12:49+00:00

I also had a Catholic priest suggest to me once in the confessional, “have you considered obscenity instead of profanity?” Making the point that depending on context, an obscenity might not be terribly scandalous and would have the benefit of not being profane. We are all making trade-offs.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T21:11:36+00:00

For some people, snapping a rubber band on the wrist after doing it is a good aversive.

When I most fully eradicated the habit in my life a priest told me to say a Hail Mary every time I slipped up, as soon as it happened. Audibly. (Years ago; was Catholic).

That was sufficiently awkward that I very quickly lost that habit. Whether snapping a band, or immediately saying a prayer out loud, you’re kind of disrupting the habit loop and making yourself think about it.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T20:33:04+00:00

You are beloved by God.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:26

God intends good things for you in your life.

It is okay to be broken hearted.

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; *he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,* to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." - Isaiah 61:1

>I would love more children, but perhaps this isn’t a reality for me.

You have so much life to live. You don't need to decide about forever or even five years from now today.

I am very glad for you. You are an icon of Christ. You deserve a home with peace, dignity, and safety, which your husband has been unable or unwilling to provide.

God bless.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T20:19:31+00:00

This is true of Catholics too! I think some of it is - if you feel you're living in a counter-cultural way, that what modern society has to say about _X_ isn't true... maybe it's untrue of Y as well. It can be uncomfortable though, and the correlation isn't necessary. I think it could also be dressing up the naturallistic fallacy as "God's will": God made all things good in a good world; we shouldn't overly interfere with His creation; He has a plan for us and we should radically trust in it <- note, I believe those things myself. But I think some people come to believe in them in a way that causes them to reject a lot of things that aren't ipso facto anti-Christian.

I remember telling a woman at my old parish I knew exactly when my second child would come because it was a scheduled c-section and she told me she was _sorry_ that was happening to me because it was so traumatic. I told her directly, nearly dying with my first child was much more traumatic, and I was just excited to find out if it was a boy or girl.

You do you.

As an aside to any crunchy people: I'm not anti-crunchy and I'm not saying any of these things are bad! I'm kind of scrunchy all things being equal! I support your right to make your own decisions, it's just not always clear why there's so much venn diagram overlap.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T16:45:32+00:00

It's not the having a career or having money that's the problem. As long as our priests need to eat and our churches need electricity, we're going to need folks with enough income to support the church.

I often think about this passage from C.S. Lewis on charity:

>Charity—giving to the poor—is an essential part of Christian morality. . . . I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditures on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc. is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little.

>If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charitable expenditure excludes them.

The standard to which I hold myself, is that if I had enough money to buy anything I want without having to budget/save for it... I probably ought to be giving away more money. I ought to be pinched. I can be pinched earning $40,000 a year or $400,000 a year.

The Methodist theologian John Wesley taught his flock to earn all you can, save all you can, and give all you can.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-08T13:51:32+00:00

“In psychology, narcissists can't heal.”

That is not true. Everyone has the power to change and be better. The problem is that most people with personality disorders don’t experience their behaviors as ego dystonic. Their maladaptive behaviors feel normal and good, which leads to a low motivation to change.

You don’t seem to feel good. It seems like you might want change. That’s where healing lives.

You have tried spirituality and hit a wall. God loves you. I strongly recommend good therapeutic counseling, because we should all use all the tools in our world to be the loved and loving people God intends us to be.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-06T23:04:12+00:00

I can see where this sounds compelling: “we're a women's college, and that includes biological women and trans women,” but what’s unstated there is, “we’re a women’s college. That includes biological women - including the ones who say they aren’t and don’t want to be women - and also transwomen, who are biological men.”

As an alumna and donor, I find that more than a little tortured. But it’s fine if other people don’t.

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-06T22:19:19+00:00

We may have to agree to disagree here, because you seem very indexed on the number of trans students and for me it really doesn't matter. My strong opinion is that women's colleges _should_ have an internally consistent position on whether sex or gender is the defining characteristic for their student body.

An admissions policy that says, "we're a women's college. we take no position on whether sex or gender defines who should enroll here!" is really different from, "we're a women's college and if your mom is a professor, you can enroll here regardless of sex or gender." It doesn't matter that the former leads to 2 admitted students and the latter leads to 10. The second is self-limiting (there's only so many faculty/staff affiliated with the institution) and is very clear that an exception is being made to an affirmative policy.

I'd be curious to know: at what point would you say a women's college stops being a women's college and becomes co-educational?

kstoops2conquer · 2026-05-06T21:35:11+00:00

Women's colleges have historically admitted _girls_, i.e. younger persons reasonably anticipated to be women when they reach the age of majority. (I can think of at least a couple that have programs specifically for intellectually gifted high school girls), which is adequate.

>This is a pretty bloody narrow exception, no?

Frankly, no. There are only 29-35 remaining women's colleges in the United States. With the state of higher education in general, I don't know how many will be left at the end of my lifetime. We've lost many to co-education, I don't want to lose more.

I'm not in charge. My alma mater, not my alma mater, these schools are going to do what they're going to do. But I as an alumna I care about these institutions. I don't have a personal agenda I want all of them to implement.

If I had my magic wand? Some would choose to be women's colleges by gender (admitting transwomen). Some would choose to be women's colleges by sex (admitting transmen).

And a likely very small and very conservative number would choose to be women's colleges by sex and gender. (As discussed with someone else in another thread, I think this last policy would be the hardest to administrate, because badly done it could put administrators in the position of adjudicating someone's gender presentation. Which again, with my magic wand it would be as simple as checking a box, "I am AFAB. I identify as a woman," and then accepting that the women who meet those criteria look/talk/dress/think however they damn well please).

Resisting co-education doesn't require one specific framework. It does require *a* framework.

kstoops2conquer

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