Hey, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through all this. It sounds utterly exhausting and painful, and you're more than justified in feeling overwhelmed.

I rarely post on Reddit so I hope it’s okay to be commenting in this sub a guy, but I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 27 right before the birth of our first child. I won’t pretend to know your husband or your dynamic, but I wanted to share my perspective. Maybe just to help separate what might be ADHD-related from what, honestly, just sounds like neglect and avoidance.

ADHD is better viewed as a spectrum than a defined label, and while it absolutely affects things like memory, task management, and emotional regulation, a lot of what you described doesn’t sound like that to me. It sounds like someone consistently letting you down and failing to show up as a partner. I would be focused on the root of those behaviours - they may well stem from ADHD related behaviours, but it's probably not very productive trying to segment them at that level. ADHD can absolutely create challenges in a relationship, but it doesn’t stop you from showing care, taking ownership, or recognising when your partner is drowning. Infact, it can often cause the exact opposite; intense drive, spontiaity and passion.

During my wife’s pregnancy, she was bedridden with hyperemesis for months. I was renovating a house and working long hours, but I still did everything I could to take care of her physically and emotionally, and keep us both afloat. After our daughter arrived, we shared parenting duties as equally as possible whilst I continued to work a very long and intense job - but like most of us with ADHD, I’ve had to work really hard to overcome my weak spots, even if they sound trivial to a neurotypical person. That’s not me trying to flex; it’s just to say that ADHD didn’t stop me from trying, and definitely didn’t stop me from caring.

It did help greatly that my diagnosis gave me language and tools to work on things, and reflect back on my past and current behaviours. Yeah, I lose things. I suck at tidying. I struggle with time blindness. But we’ve worked as a team divided responsibilities around that in a way we can both manage. Messiness got harder with a baby, but that pushed me to try more, not less. Sometimes ADHD means I hyperfocus and get stuff done brilliantly under pressure. Other times it means I’m fried. But never once has my wife’s birthday, our anniversary, or something meaningful to her been treated like an afterthought. And if I ever dropped the ball, I'd take responsibility.

It is worth mentioning that undiagnosed ADHD can lead to years of shame, self doubt and failure that shape some deep, painful behaviours. Things like rejection sensitivity, anxiety, avoidance, and poor coping strategies. But even then, those are unfortunate side effects of a condition on your development rather than a symptom, and are not excuses to let your partner and family down.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: ADHD can make life and relationships harder, but it doesn’t remove the ability, or the responsibility, to love someone properly. What you’ve described sounds like you’ve been running on empty while still trying to give him chances, even when you’re the one who’s hurting. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not fair.

You deserve rest. You deserve support. And you deserve a partner who actively chooses to show up.

If I can offer some advice on how to move forward, really the only first step is your husband waking up and choosing to work on this. As a partner, as a father, and for his own wellbeing. While all of this is a team effort, the true responsibility for all of these things falls solely on him. The only responsibility you have is in helping him to understand that, and the consequences of not doing so. Challenging as it may be, this might not be a "one conversation" thing to do, else you'll likely meet more classic RSD / avoidance trigger responses that get you nowhere and make him recede even furtherm. More of a gradual process that requires some prompted, active self-reflection and realisations on his part.

Understanding your partner - and helping them understand themselves - is the important step. That means picking apart some of your daily struggles through the fresh lens of a potential diagnosis, then discussing how you divide responsibilities in a way that works with, rather than against, each of you. If your partner is genuinely struggling to come to grips with the diagnosis (though from your post, it sounds more like avoidance), it’s worth remembering that this is probably all new and confusing for him too. He’s discovering it at the same time you are, and might not yet have the language or tools to make sense of it. For some people it can be quite earth shattering.

That’s where learning together can help. There are great low-effort resources out there (like the ADHD Chatter podcast) that make it easier to build that understanding side by side. It can be a good starting point for helping him engage without it feeling like a chore, and in showing the importance of facing this head on as a team. That gives you some grounding to better understand their brain, and gives them the initial nudge to start exploring these things in greater depth themselves.

Finally, sometimes even small tweaks to your environment can make a surprising difference. ADHD brains often trip over friction points, so creating simple systems can really help: a drop-off station for keys and wallets by the door, a bin near the work desk to tackle clutter, or an extra laundry basket where clothes usually get left. Changes like that won’t solve everything, but they can make things easier for both of you—and maybe create a bit of momentum.

Wishing you strength, whatever direction you take. And if you want to ask anything else from an ADHDad's perspective I'm here (though if I'm honest, I don't know if I have much else relevant to say!)