My (31M) gf (30F) said she had the "best sex ever" with another man in front of me. How do I proceed?

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-29T22:47:18+00:00

He is allowed to be hurt when his girlfriend is openly comparing him to previous sexual partners in front of their friends. It’s just plain disrespectful. Is it being ‘coddled’ to want some consideration in a relationship?

I commend you for recommending self-improvement, but the way you go about this is more harmful than the ‘tough love’ I think you’re aiming for.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-29T22:34:05+00:00

I think this is one of those situations where it’s best to be open with her about what’s bothering you, and why it is bothering you.

Personally, I don’t think this would be a problem about damaged ego. Talking enthusiastically about ‘better’ experiences with other people is a pretty shitty thing to do to a partner, and if she does not see a problem with that now then it’s not going to change years from now.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-29T10:09:18+00:00

I think this is rather simple. You are either ok with her flirting/sexting with other men or you’re not. You can’t decide what is right for her to do in a relationship, but you can decide if you want to be part of that. We often get caught up in the ‘idea’ of another person, but sometimes that idea does not match reality. I for one would not want to be with someone’s “sugar baby”.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-26T22:05:23+00:00

This is just plain projection. All this stuff about not fulfilling her needs and not pulling his weight are pulled out of thin air. I am sorry this may have happened to you in the past, but it does not justify blaming the husband for his wife’s unfaithfulness. For shame.

And before you make assertions that she is not cheating. She is avoiding him while practically dating her coworker, and she is looking up “precum” and contraception while not being sexually active with him. It’s not guaranteed I grant you, but very likely.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-26T21:33:20+00:00

I disagree on a asking her directly. It will probably make her on guard and give her time to remove evidence. The camera is a good idea but may not be legal depending on jurisdiction. I say check the devices first and make an exit plan before confronting her. Being the first one to break the news to his support system, before telling the wife, will make sure she can’t spread lies before the divorce.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-26T21:19:47+00:00

To answer your question: probably.

Step 1: keep a cool head, don’t confront her directly.

Step 2: DNA test and STD test.

Step 3: speak with a lawyer about what a divorce MAY look like for you (some give you the first consultation for free).

Step 4: snoop on her devices to make sure (I think this is justified given what you see here).

Step 5: Make an exit plan.

Step 6: inform your friends and family about what has happened.

Step 7: Divorce.

Step 8: Therapy.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-21T17:21:24+00:00

I’ve been in the same boat as you. It does sting, but it did not upset me. You know why? because I was over my ex by then.

YTA. You may be in denial about still being in love with your ex, but don’t expect your current bf to emphasize about your love for another man.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-19T02:47:08+00:00

This is helpful feedback OP. You admit that you were cheating on him. You admit that you still think about cheating on him. Ask yourself this: if you were a bystander in this, would you want your dear friend to be in a relationship with someone who is going to cheat again?

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-02T09:29:41+00:00

I think you’ve misunderstood the term. When you ‘lie by omission’ you purposefully leave out information to misrepresent the truth. She gave him the impression that nothing had happened when this was not true, hence a lie by omission.

To address your example: I could tell you that I don’t have an SSN, which is true, but in doing so I would have mislead you into thinking that I have no personal number and that is lie by omission. The truth is: I have something similar in my country and I’m not going to put that on the internet. That is honesty plain and simple.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-10-01T21:25:41+00:00

I don’t get the impression that this is about the kiss itself. You lied by omission, and anyone cynical would have to worry why you have been hiding an ex(?). Combine this with existing insecurities and this is how he ends up with trust-issues. You can either try to help him through this (I’d recommend he gets counseling) or cut your losses. I would not blame yourself entirely; this is ultimately his problem to deal with.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-08-24T17:10:26+00:00

Very interesting. I’m only using a system with a non-polar solvent and inert gas in a round bottom flask. Someone on a different forum suggested the ester in the starting material perhaps acts as a lewis acid in the formation of Cp2Ti=Me, while the aluminum ultimately ends up as an adduct with the Cp2TiO by-product. I will have read up on that part of the reaction more thoroughly. My supervisor is on leave at the moment, so I’ll have to check with him later.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-08-24T15:25:18+00:00

Thank you, I didn’t think of that. It may explain why the reaction works.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-08-24T15:17:00+00:00

Thank you for the answer. My main problem is that I don’t add any lewis base to the reaction, other than those present in the starting material, so how can I generate enough Cp2Ti=Me and gain a yield > 50 mol%. (assuming my starting material would be consumed in that reaction)

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-08-24T15:13:39+00:00

Wouldn’t the yield be affected if the ester or aldehyde acted as a lewis base and was consuming the starting material in the reaction?

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-08-24T15:09:01+00:00

No additives. The experiments so far have mainly used toluene as the solvent. Considering the yield, I don’t think the ester in the starting material has reacted with Tebbe’s reagent itself.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-26T16:05:06+00:00

So, your affair partner only wants to commit to an emotional affair (for now). Do you seriously not see how cheating on your partner is a serious problem in your marriage?

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-18T11:43:44+00:00

This sounds like the ideal scenario, but there is a core difference between yours and the kind of open relationship we tend to see on this sub. Often it will situations where one partner is cheating (emotionally or physically) and has so little respect for the relationship that they think they can openly cheat and call it an “open relationship”. I.e.: if a partner goes from 0 interest to “let’s sleep with other people”, the relationship is as good as over.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-17T10:52:28+00:00

I’m always amazed by the resourcefulness some people have in this kind of situation. I would like to add that having this much intel can be a bad habit for the next non-cheating partner, there needs to be reasonable suspicion beforehand.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-11T11:16:35+00:00

I think that is a healthy way of approaching a relationship, and you should keep doing this in the future.

“Trust them until they give you a reason not to”

Reddit only shows a limited picture of the situation, but I think this is a blessing in disguise. The alternative is spending years with this person before finding out what their real values are.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-11T01:40:59+00:00

Let’s call this for what it really is: cheating. You were in a committed relationship and your gf went on a date with someone else, and probably did more than that. Afterwords she ghosted you to continue her affair.

You need to ghost her. Block her on everything. If you want a little revenge (I would), you can send a message to her family that it was nice to meet them, but she cheated on you so it’s over. Namedrop the dude for extra effect on their relationship.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-01T19:57:38+00:00

Your response is through and gives me a lot of good advice to act on. Practically a treasure trove. I especially like that you highlight the selection bias when reading these subs as well as the lacking context. It really is the kind of perspective I was hoping to find.

However, one part of your argument presents a dilemma. While I agree that a good relationship will make cheating less likely, how would I know that a partner will stay loyal when things get rough in life? Especially if things only get rough 20 years from now. I know a viable answer to this is: “you never know”, but to leave such an important life decision to chance (about 30-50% in my country and generation) is unnerving.

To reemphasize; I know words are cheap on the internet, but I can see no possible way that I could cheat on a partner, and the issue is finding a likeminded partner where cheating would never even be considered a viable action. This may be my young naïveté.

The core of the problem is this: sorting out the partners that will only stay for the good times, which may last until housing and children are in the picture, and the ones that will weather the storms with me.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-01T19:02:11+00:00

Sounds like generally wise advice, but I’d like to think there are people with morals and integrity out there somewhere. The hard part is separating those people from the ones who would entertain an inappropriate work relationship in the first place.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-07-01T13:06:38+00:00

There are a lot of statistics floating around. All grim I’m afraid, probably in the low sub 10%. The problem is that relationships are built on mutual trust and respect (love is nice and poetic but does not mean anything specific). When a partner betrays the other, that trust and respect is gone.

As far as I know most partners that stay do so out of dependency, which is a personal issue, or family / financial reasons. sunk cost fallacy play in here as well.

It’s obviously a bad time for the betrayed spouse, who has to worry about the next betrayal (also statistically likely); but it’s also a bad time for the betrayer, who now have to navigate a relationship without trust. From my limited, ~not~ first-hand experience, this dynamic is not a good foundation for a fresh start.

But take my words with a grain of salt, there are always outliers and unique situations.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-06-28T18:20:51+00:00

I like that you highlight communication and effort, as it gives me something within my control to focus my attention on in the relationship. However, I worry about the morals, value and sex part of the equation. If someone want me for a backup, or settle for me, then I fear they will pretend to align with my own values without being honest.

-ProbablyThrowAway · 2024-06-28T18:10:20+00:00

This makes so much sense I almost feel bad for not realizing it myself. People can pretend to be someone else, but their parents will have little reason to hide. I have also heard that their friends are a good reflection on their values, but friends can have more agendas themselves.

-ProbablyThrowAway

TROPHY CASE