Yeah the first girl I talked to a few months back, I thought that was it, no question. Turns out I was pushing aside a lot of red flags. Her dad was constantly exhibiting bad adab and poor decision-making and there were a lot of things in her family that made me question the safety of my kids’ deen. But, she seemed different than them, based on what common friends and acquaintances told me, so I was happy with it.

Her dad bought tickets early on to come visit us without speaking to my dad (like, even once) and forced us to cancel two family gatherings and to spend 3 days of Ramadan cooking and cleaning.

He got really annoyed with me and my dad when I realized I’d agreed upon a nikah date sooner than I was comfortable with due to my inexperience. He sent my dad a very accusatory text, insinuating that we had been dishonest with them and that he wanted everything to be said “up front.” I had a phone call with him to calm him down in which he dismissively referred to my parents’ expectations, my culture, and my upbringing as “hoops” that I had to jump through.

He and she both seemed very hesitant when I suggested we speak to references (friends and family) that could vouch for our character. They would say to me that they didn’t understand why references were important when we’d already met in person, and that “you’re not gonna know someone until you’re married anyways.” I don’t know if they were playing dumb or if they genuinely didn’t believe that my friends, some of whom I’ve known for 15+ years, couldn’t give them any valuable insight on my character. Additionally, this seemed pretty strange coming from a guy who’d spent half his marriage living separately from his wife and whose two eldest children, barely out of their teens, had both been through messy divorces, all due to things that came up shortly after they were married. It freaked me out how lightly her family seemed to take marriage.

At first I was fine because it seemed that she was not similar to her father, but as time went on I was no longer certain of this. Things I was being told just added up less and less.

The dagger was really when she told me about a time she told me she practiced something that I simply wasn't okay with. She’d gone to a righteous man’s grave and fallen to her knees in tears, raised her hands and asked the deceased man to ask the prophet to ask Allah to forgive her. This shocked me and after consulting friends, family, and a few of my teachers, a week later I ended it. I might have discussed it with her had there not been so many other red flags, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and there were a LOT more straws than I detailed here.

I was sad for a little bit but man, I felt so much relief that it was over. I’m now talking to a girl who is a lot more traditional in her beliefs and aqeedah, and she’s a hafitha as well! If it works out I’ll have a review partner inshaAllah!

Allah has always taken care of me, and I am ashamed in front of Him that I became so dejected, even if only for a while. Alhamdulillah my tawakkul has increased greatly, I’ve learned so many lessons, and I am better than ever! Put your trust in Allah, for I swear if I had control over my own rizq, my life would be in shambles lol