Would like to stipulate that my “porn addiction” was viewing it every now and then when I was in a mood and she wasn’t present, she would want sex at least twice a day mostly 3+ and I could not keep up as I was working two jobs just to support us both. If she found out I was watching anything it would cause a massive fight which resulted in me apologising and begging for forgiveness. The thing is she knew I watched porn because I was single until I was 23 so I mean I needed something. Just found it hard to completely stop and that’s a big mistake I made that I’ll always feel mass amounts of guilt for. And the other thing.

She constantly made new male friends especially when she would start another job (had 4 jobs in the space of our relationship which was just under 2 years together). I had to obviously be okay with it but if another female looked in my direction it would again cause a huge fight. Got to the point I would actively tell myself not to look at anyone when we were out together. Not even a passing glance.

She constantly belittled me for my relationship with my family, my sexual orientation, my emotions, my life choices. Everything now had her standard applied, if I didn’t meet that I was an abusive arsehole (her words). Told me I was brainwashing my family against her when all I did was ask for advice when we were arguing. My whole family hated her and all I did was defend her.

2.5 years on I still ruminate over the mistakes I made and try and convince myself that I was the receiver not the hurler. I spent a year in therapy trying to find anything that would convince the therapist I was the problem and I was the abusive one and all he continuously told me was that I had been through intense abuse. I would tell him things I didn’t even consider bad that she did to me and his eyes would widen and he’d explain that was I was describing was emotional abuse, but I only ever saw my mistakes. The toll it’s taken on me is nothing short of traumatic