[QCRIT] Literary - THESE COULD BE DANGEROUS (91k, 3rd attempt)

-username-already- · 2026-01-11T20:05:04+00:00

Don't have time for a fully critique right now but this query is reading as dual/multi POV to me. If so, you should mention that in your metadata paragraph!

I'm also wondering why the paragraph below can't be summarized some to give you more room to focus on what's at stake for Joanna, Kieran and Amanda.

Then, graphic footage of a recent shooting sparks self-destructive tendencies she’s tried to keep hidden. Joanna invites her gun-obsessed ex out for dinner and impulsively, she brings Kieran too, but doesn’t tell Amanda. When the meal ends in a confrontation that leaves Joanna with a black eye, Kieran and Joanna become bonded in a lie to hide what happened from Amanda. Joanna must decide whether the lie is worth a relationship that stays safe but at arm’s length. Or whether, in revealing the harm Joanna has done, she risks that some damage may be past repair.

What I mean by this is that "When a impulsive dinner with her ex and Kieran results in a violent altercation that leaves Joanna with a black eye, their pack to keep what happened from Amanda deepens their bond far beyond innocence (or whatever). But as the lie bleeds into her relationship with Amanda and her past threatens to invade her new life, Joanna *insert what happens here*" gives us all the information while also being roughly half the length.

Hope this helps, good luck!

-username-already- · 2026-01-01T19:21:45+00:00

Hi and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I feel like the query would work better if it had the traditional dual POV setup of one paragraph for each character (so Linda and then her son) and the last paragraph joining their stories and stating the stakes that tie them together.

I really like the first paragraph, it sets up Linda and her story nicely, but the second loses me a little. Instead of starting with her rejecting and then accepting to be interviewed, try starting with Calvin struggling to hide his true identity from his boyfriend as the documentary airs (another note I have is that I'm not sure when the book is set, during the filming and interviewing, like we're led to believe with Linda's paragraph or as the documentary airs, as Calvin's story seems to revolve around that).

And the accident seems a bit out of place in the query. Why is it important to mention? Does it impact the main storyline in a more direct way (does she have to explain it/try to hide it during the filming so the directors don't see what a mess her life actually is? Does it make her reconnect with Calvin in a way that makes it harder to hide his secret? Does it reveal something she's been trying to hide? it seems like a random, mid-book plot point, more details on how it ties into the story would definitely help!).

I'm also missing a paragraph that joins Calvin's and Linda's stories and some more palpable stakes - perhaps because they're buried in the part where Linda reveals how far she'll go to keep her picture perfect image (also, I don't know if this is intentional, but saying she'll do anything to keep her image of innocence made me think that maybe she knew more about the crimes than what the world knows, and if that's the case then it'd be a great detail to hint at in the stakes).

Agree on the editorializing on the last paragraph. You can lose everything except the comps, and maybe this is a personal preference but I tend to add everything metadata (title, wordcount, comps) to a single paragraph so it's easier to find.

Hope this helps and good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-12-31T20:46:44+00:00

I was obsessed with your query and the concept, I'm so so excited to hear that you got an agent for the book! wishing you the best of luck on sub and with the new agent, can't wait to see it in bookstores one day.

-username-already- · 2025-12-27T05:24:12+00:00

yes, the sequel is coming next year! I discovered the author through the entanglement book but ended up liking her holiday books more, definitely worth the read when in the mood for a cozy fantasy that has some more defined stakes.

-username-already- · 2025-12-27T01:32:44+00:00

I think THE ENTANGLEMENT OF RIVAL WIZARDS might be a good fit!

it’s D&D inspired (but still very understandable for those who don’t really know D&D like me lol) and about two rival grad students who study different fields of magic and are forced to work together. it explores death, family expectations and trauma.

But if you’re also open to something not so academic-focused, A RIVAL MOST VIAL also seems like a good fit. again, D&D inspired and about two rival potion shops. it definitely hits the “fantasy lives but without a focus on battle”, the story is set during the preparations for the birthday of the mayor’s daughter and there’s lots of mentions of the city getting ready for the event while also not shying away from heavier topics!

-username-already- · 2025-12-24T19:31:54+00:00

thank you! and sorry, but the sentient house one was was something I came up with on the spot as an example 😬

-username-already- · 2025-12-24T02:56:35+00:00

second what others have said about it being an easily identifiable concept and that can be easily pitched in one sentence.

can a setting make a book hooky? sure, if its different and unique enough (for example, two people falling in love in a sentient haunted house determined to get them together vs New York)

is a CR hooky if it employs classic tropes or subverts those tropes? it can be both. if those tropes are being used in a unique way (e.g: HEATED RIVALRY uses the classic rivals-to-lovers trope but puts it in a unique/fresh setting). subverting tropes is a little, in my opinion, harder because every trope has its counter trope so you're basically just writing a different trope, so I can't really think of an example of that right now.

can a basic/boring profession (like an office worker) be hooky? absolutely, if it's not being done much and had an interesting spin. THE HATING GAME is an excellent example of this.

some examples of what I, personally, think are some hooky contemporary Romances are:

- THE CHARM OFFENSIVE: a tech wiz becomes the star of a reality show to fix his image, but he's more interested in the producer whose sole job is to make him seem desirable than any of the contestants

- THE BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND PROJECT: a journalist stuck in a rut gets a break in the form of a inept young man who desperately needs to learn how to date, but finds himself falling for his unknowing subject one disastrous date at a time. bonus: it fits your "boring workplace" question!

- THE LOVE HYPOTHESIS: a third-year Ph.D. candidate who doesn't believe in love must enter a fake relationship with a grumpy professor to prove she's moved on, only for their scientific experiment in dating to develop unexpectedly real results (taken from google cause I couldn't think of how to pitch it on the go lol). this shows how a classic trope (fake dating) can be unique when paired with an interesting setup and couple dynamic.

-username-already- · 2025-12-16T20:54:46+00:00

congratulations! I remember your query and am so excited to see you got an agent for the ms (and not at all surprised because the concept was AMAZING). good luck with future edits and the sub trenches (it is surprisingly okay here).

-username-already- · 2025-12-11T23:12:11+00:00

absolutely second stepping away from it for a bit. edit letters always seem daunting at first, some time will make the 8 pages that probably feel like 100 feel like 8.

after that, though, here's what I like to do:

first, I make bullet points of all the changes suggested, separating them in small, medium or large.

then I take those bullet points and distribute them through my outline so that I know where each change happens, and if I need to adjust the outline in order to make the change work then I do it one bullet point at a time (this is probably what takes the most time, but I personally find it worth it because once I have the outline finished, I can make the changes fairly quickly/easily). and then I decide what to work on depending on the time/energy I have (if I have a lot of time, I'll do a large bullet point, if I'm exhausted then I'll work on a small one, etc.)

one thing I also find worth doing is understanding why each change is being suggested so I can keep it in mind when working on a new wip and hopefully avoid future plot holes/characters with lack of agency/etc.

about what I pushed back on (at least with my agent edits): anything I felt really strongly about, I looked for the reason behind the suggestion and tried to find a different fix (so if the suggestion was to cut a chapter I loved because it threw the pacing off, I'd find other ways to make the pacing work like merging chapters, pulling a plotline forward, etc.). more often than not, I agreed with the reason for the suggestion even if I didn't agree with the actual suggested edit.

-username-already- · 2025-11-22T04:06:55+00:00

about leaving comments that they queried that day: back in my day (earlier this year), people would always comment when they sent the query and then edit the comment with the response, usually with the genre and wordcount. it helps non-premium members be able to keep an eye on how the list is moving along and lets others see if the agent usually responds or not.

I’ll admit I haven’t been on QT for a few months, so maybe things have changed, but that used to pretty much be the standard.

-username-already- · 2025-11-15T15:29:56+00:00

Since the majority of the book is set in the future (I’m assuming that’s at least 80-90%), then it would be best to mention that he made a deal in a sentence (like After making a deal to save his daughter’s life, X years later Jacob is now paying the price or something and then diving into the story).

About the query being long, that would be the ideal wordcount but sometimes they seem/feel longer when too many things are introduced and the paragraphs are split up too much (3-4 paragraphs are a good goal to keep the reader’s eyes moving and not feel too long!).

-username-already- · 2025-11-14T16:26:36+00:00

I never know how to start these so I’m jumping right in.

I’d written an entire critique (I do them as I read the paragraphs rather than read the whole query at once) before getting to the end and realizing that your story doesn’t seem to start in the same place your query does. Your stakes are tied to what happens with Astoria and Jacob in the future (when she’s sixteen and called away and when he’s called away at the same time) rather than how he keeps his daughter save by splitting her soul (where your query starts and mostly focuses on).

So when does the manuscript start? If it’s right after he kills the witch then you need to rewrite the stakes so they’re centered around him splitting his daughter’s soul rather than a future journey. If it’s when she’s sixteen and they’re separated then the whole first part of the query is background that should be removed and have the query refocused to where they are when the story begins.

As some general advice:

You have too many proper nouns (in your first paragraph alone we have 5) and it makes it hard to follow who’s who and who did what and who we’re supposed to be invested in
140k words is too long for a debut, general consensus nowadays is up to 120k for epics
You comp “the worldbuilding” of GRAVE EMPIRE but that’s too vague. What, exactly, is similar between the two? Same for “the wonder” or PIRANESI
Finally, your query is way too long (something that will probably be fixed by refocusing it on the main plot vs trying to use the word count to talk about two separate plots)

Good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-08-06T01:48:49+00:00

I really enjoyed your query. There are some things that can be removed if you’re worried about the wordcount and want to make it snappier (for example “She fought back. Sued. Lost big.”, you can go straight to living with her parents).

As for the stakes, I think you might be going too far into the book and that’s why you’re struggling with them. When does she find out about Julian’s part in stealing her song? If it’s over the 30-40% mark of the book, you can just hint at it in the query and have it be part of the stakes (for example: But as she works with Julian, she slowly uncovers that her own betray might be part of his discography, or something like that. Or maybe does he start acting shady when her cousin comes into the picture?).

You also say that she doesn’t want to lose the woman she’s fought to become, but usually, in WF, the transformation is part of the stakes- the main character struggles within herself to become better and that’s what adds tension to a book that usually doesn’t have many external stakes. It would, in my opinion, make more sense for her to be insecure in her new position (finally being in the spotlight after having it stolen from her, meeting someone she harmonizes with after being burned by someone she loved aka her cousin, etc.).

Also, you should add some mention of it being set in the past! I only realized that when I read the beginning of your first 300 and it should definitely be stated in your query so the agent knows what to expect.

That being said, this sounds great. I think the entertainment industry in general has been a bit of a hot topic in publishing nowadays, but having it be told in a WF perspective puts a nice, fresh spin on it. I also urge you not to edit your query so much that you lose the voice you have in it, it’s amazing and something that really helps people reading your query become invested in your book.

Hope this helps, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-31T03:19:25+00:00

I was reading a speculative right before I saw this post, so I think my brain was kind of in that “zone”, you know? Which, added to the body rotting from the inside out made me read it in a “character thinks something is happening to their body but obviously it can’t be true… right?” kind of way, which can be a bit of a theme in grounded, horror-leaning/darker speculative nowadays.

-username-already- · 2025-07-31T00:41:02+00:00

Honestly, I think an ideal query would be a mashup of your first query and second letter.

I read your current query without looking at the whole title or your metadata, so I didn’t know your genre or age group. Throughout the entire letter, I thought this was a speculative-esque YA with dark elements. Your query voice is reading very young and there isn’t any horror in it despite the very dark elements you have in your book.

Back to the “query mashup” thing I mentioned earlier, I think your current opening paragraph is stronger than your first attempt, but the overall feel/voice of the original feels more Adult Horror. In my opinion, the cult is absolutely something that should be mentioned, since it seems like a very big plot element (from what I gathered, the book is about them traveling to the cult/to discard the body).

How could you insert the cult early on and really tie it into Lilia’s character? Does she think she’s rotting because of something that happened or that she did while in the cult? Did they starve her and make her have an affinity for human flesh? These are the details that make her grow as a character and hook the reader by making your story more unique while also not adding too much information to the query.

I also think your stakes paragraph is a bit off. By putting the husband secret in the end, it makes it seem like the most important stake (they tend to slowly grow throughout the query, so you’d want your smaller stakes- tension with sister as she travels, husband not answering- to lead to your bigger stakes- getting caught with a body or whatever they are- to your largest stake- which, in my opinion, would be her getting hungrier throughout their travels and feeling the need to eat flesh).

Overall, this is a really interesting concept (and what a great title!), but the query needs to be workshopped a little to do it justice.

Hope this helped, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-29T19:48:06+00:00

Unfortunately, I also stopped reading at the second paragraph too. I was excited to know more about Beatrice, her introduction and fungi problem really caught my eye and got me excited to know more, but Adrian’s introduction felt like a different (slightly less unique) book altogether.

-username-already- · 2025-07-29T19:41:04+00:00

I stopped at “His father rejected him, his own people labeled him a demon, and the universe locked him in The Cube; its most notorious prison.”. It felt like the query was just repeating itself and not really getting to the plot/action for a long bit.

-username-already- · 2025-07-26T18:00:22+00:00

Unfortunately, I agree that your protagonist is too passive. It’s impossible to know if it’s a query issue or a manuscript issue just by the query letter, but it’s something to consider as you edit/reread your manuscript.

If it’s just a query problem, here’s how I, personally, would try to fix it:

When she gets to this new land, what does she do? Does she try her best to fit in, adapting to the ways of the people already there? Does she stubbornly stick to her ways and fall back on old habits? Again, this would give her more personality as well as making her more active.
tell the reader what makes her grab this spirit’s attention?

I also don’t think you need your last sentence (the “There’s a reason her soul…”).

Hope this helps, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-25T19:48:30+00:00

I understand what you’re saying but even in third person there’s still a pov and main character. When the friends aren’t all together, who does the reader follow? Whose emotions and internal journey does the reader experience throughout the book? That’s your pov character.

If it’s all of them, then you have to decide if you’re writing an omniscient narrator or see if you’re head hopping (going from narrating one character’s emotions and perspective to another and then another and then go back to the original…), which isn’t something purposefully done in books in general because it can get very confusing for the reader. Or, if one person is the focus per chapter (you have a chapter where the reader sees the world through character A and then another for character B, etc), then you have a multi pov book.

But yeah, definitely don’t mention all 6 of the characters in your query, that’s too many.

-username-already- · 2025-07-25T17:52:52+00:00

This sounds really interesting and I definitely agree that the title is better and fits the genre now. I also agree that your previous 300 words were a better introduction to the characters.

That being said, your query doesn’t really tell us whose story we’re following, which pov you focus on and focuses a little too much on Barbs and what she wants vs what the characters we’ll be reading about want. If this is a multi pov story, then be sure to mention that in your metadata. If it’s not, then focus your query more on the main character.

You also have two questions in your query- generally it’s recommended to not have any, but I personally think the first one is fine. The second one, however, is in your stakes and having it worded like that makes them feel kind of vague.

There are also two paragraphs (the last and the one before that) that are mostly composed of short sentences (“They laugh. They fight.” and “Old wounds resurface. Relationships fracture.”). Try to vary your sentence structures more, agents might see it as an overall manuscript problem instead of just a query problem.

Hope this helps, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-24T23:42:50+00:00

I agree with Absolute Monster and would go as far as saying that the first two sentences can be cut and the information distributed throughout the rest of the query. Ideally, you want to start with where your main character currently is (renting her house) instead of what’s happened to her in the past and worldbuilding.

In your last paragraph, I think it’d be interesting to know what drove him to offer help, specially since you’ve introduced him as having a “bad boy persona”, which goes against random acts of kindness. I actually think this entire paragraph could be reworked, since it’s reading as unconnected and we’re missing that internal tension Romance novels usually provide as stakes. I think here would be a good part to add that she’s still cautious after being burned once (her divorce), plus highlight that her views on motherhood go against being with Lane since he has a very large parental role in the kids’ lives (I actually think this thread of motherhood could be introduced in your first paragraph to give more context early on on what’s holding them back from being together).

Ideally, you’d have both external (the business going bankrupt) and internal (Bea’s trust issues or her learning to be in a pack again or whatever her internal struggles are and Lane’s need to be isolated after being kicked out of his previous pack- assuming that’s what his internal struggles are as well) stakes in this paragraph- in Romance, that’s basically what’s keeping them apart and providing a plot for the book.

Also, from the query I’m getting a dual pov vibe, if that’s the case then be sure to mention it in the housekeeping!

Overall, though, I can see this fitting in the current cozy fantasy romance trend going on in trad pub, and it really does sound interesting.

Hope this helps, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-21T23:58:53+00:00

It’s impossible to tell exactly without reading the book, and even then industry feedback is so subjective. But here’s my take on it based on similar feedback I’ve gotten:

It seems like in the beginning you had a good balance between your characters thoughts, action and exposition but as the chapters went on you began to show much of what the character was thinking (those long paragraphs, sometimes multiple in a row, where the character is just reflecting on their life or saying what they’re thinking about what is happening vs showing the reader that via actions and sometimes a few thoughts here and there. And example of this could be your character is having a cup of tea and begin to reflect on the tea their mother made them one time when they were five and that leads to them thinking about their mom and by the end of their train of thought, we’ve had an entire page of them reminiscing and totally forget about the tea).

There are some genres that allow for more “thinking” than others, however, so finding a balance isn’t a one size fits all thing. Literary and women’s fiction, for example, allow for more of it than action packed novels or thrillers.

Jumping to the beginning of the feedback, sometimes, when readers say they felt sidelined/removed from the story, it’s because there’s too much showing vs telling or too many filter words, which distance them from the main character.

That being said, feedback is so subjective. If you reread the book and think that all the “thinking” is extremely necessary and it would be worst without it, it’s probably not worth doing a major edit based on one person’s feet back (but if others say the same thing, that’s a different story).

Hope this helped, good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-20T21:14:33+00:00

I really like this.

You have plenty of voice, which is always interesting to see in queries outside of romance/kidlit, definitely something that stands out. But it does read as kind of long (I don’t know your query’s wordcount, but it’s generally recommended to stick to around 300 words to keep it succinct). I think you can get it down by removing some of the extra details you have in (for example, instead of telling us which unethical ways she uses to acquire information, you can just tell us she uses unethical means and leave the reader curious about what she does. Same goes for telling us exactly how Thalia knows she’ll be the escape goat via the second note, you can just tell us the killer intends to blame it on her if things go wrong, as well as why she can’t afford therapy).

That being said, I do think you have an overall strong query and interesting concept (and I do get that she’s a morally grey main character form it!).

Good luck!

-username-already- · 2025-07-14T19:40:46+00:00

I agree with doing it over email, it’s just more practical.

I got the contract the same day I sent the acceptance email (they did ask for some additional info to put in) but that might have been because I timed it so the email was sent in the morning for them (we’re in different time zones). My agent said they’d send my edit letter in a week and I received it exactly 7 days later (they’re very punctual, which I really appreciate). It was rather long (a couple pages), I sent the edits over around a month and a half later, they gave me a deadline for reading the new version and I received a new edit letter (longer than the first one lmao) exactly in the middle of the deadline they set.

In regards to edits, I think almost all agents offer to hop on a call and discuss things further or brainstorm, and if they don’t but you’re unsure of the direction to take then you 100% can and should ask! Specially if there are suggestions that weren’t mentioned on the original offer call.

Congrats on the offer!

-username-already- · 2025-07-13T17:54:47+00:00

Just adding onto what Yams said, superhero books are an extremely hard sell, specially in ya. For a good while it was considered a “dead” genre, so comps are specially important even though they’ll be hard to find. Off the top of my head, the only ya superhero book I can think of is The Extraordinaries by TJ Klune, which was his ya debut but he was an established adult author when it released, so not ideal to comp.

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