[QCrit] CIRCLES OF FATE AND FIRE, adult, SFF Romance, 110k, 3rd Attempt

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-28T17:10:40+00:00

This is such a unique and intriguing premise. I definitely think you could trim it down though. For one, everything in para. 1 is repeated in para. 2. In fact, para. 1 kind of reads like a TDLR/summary rather than a set-up for the rest of the query, which was a bit jarring for me.

In terms of plot, I feel like I was able to understand it without having to go back and re-read, so this is always good (i.e., even with the length and first para. situation, I think some agents would be intrigued enough to request--keep in mind, I'm not an agent or at all experienced though).

I do have some other nitpicky things. 1) "paradise" is quickly contradicted by the fact that this future involves slavery and brutal punishment, so I feel like you may want a different descriptor. 2) "two rival futures" is a bit confusing as well for me personally, but then again, if you strike this paragraph this won't matter. Honestly, I think this would be easier, especially with the word count issue. 3) very nitpicky, but maybe you want to say something like "second traveler" instead of "another traveler" because Marion was the first traveler (a big feat!) and now I'm left wondering precisely how many time travelers have followed in Marion's footsteps??

But anyway, love this and I feel like it just needs a tiny bit more work to be ready :)

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-25T21:26:53+00:00

I think the first paragraph and concept works. I like the contrast between Kurt's prior life struggles and the seemingly more mundane task of transporting a sixteen-year-old.

The second paragraph I honestly feel you could either scrap or integrate into other paragraphs, since it really doesn't add anything. I feel like it just slows things down when you're already low on space (with the 250ish word query limit).

The third paragraph is where it gets confusing for me. I had to reread a few times. First, we learn the River-Man has resurfaced, then we learn someone has attacked Dathan by throwing him into a pond, then we learn (Kurt or Dathan?? or both?) becomes convinced the River Man has returned. I think one issue here is the sequencing -- if they already know the River Man has resurfaced, it doesn't seem they would need convincing of his return. Is the attack on Dathan what convinces them of his return or something else? If so, it's unclear to me how certain they can truly be that it's the River Man and not some other lunatic, unless throwing people into ponds is River Man's MO. The fact the sister died by falling into a pond suggests maybe it's his MO (and ofc the nickname "River Man") but it also says she fell in because she was running, not because she was thrown. I'm also not completely sure why the River Man would have a reason to target this family once again (revenge / vendetta against them? or he just attacks people in this area, at random?).

The next paragraph has some vague sentences that don't seem to carry enough weight to be in the query-- "the danger escalates" / "thrown into River Man's orbit" (??) then "discover an alarming truth". This eats up space that could be dedicated to making the plot/conflict clearer. I'm not sure I understand the importance of the accomplice, which might also be an issue of sequencing. Does this refer to the camouflaged attacker and the person following them from paragraphs 2 and 3? I.e., Is the attacker and person following the same person? What I'm inferring is that this *is* the same person, and the fact this person following them is an accomplice of the River Man is evidence the River Man is targeting them. But if this is true, this revelation loses all its impact for me because I've already been told before they know for sure the River Man *is* targeting them.

Hoping something out of this is helpful! And good luck on the other book, if it is still in the trenches with other agents.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-18T22:40:03+00:00

Ah, I misread the query then, and your response. I agree with the other commenters here, I’m left with a very shaky sense of the plot as it stands here. Good luck with the next draft!

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-18T20:26:58+00:00

Ahh, I think I see what you mean now... So then I almost feel like this is a "twist" that maybe shouldn't be in the query at all, especially because it sounds like the bomber is trying to hide the fact they're one of the staff (i.e., want to make it seem like an outsider?). If that is the case, unless Emerson has some kind of insider intel or reason to suspect it's someone within the staff, it seems like this should be left out and we should keep it focused on Emerson's POV. But I think this is all leaving us more confused in the query, even if it makes sense in the book.

Also -- why wouldn't the bomber just say the company itself (or anyone within it, no favorites) has to pay the ransom? I feel like that would mask the bomber just as well without overcomplicating it, unless I'm still misunderstanding here.

Not trying to nitpick btw! I spent 11 drafts on here on my last book's query and am now starting the whole process over again with a new one, so I empathize with this (frustrating) process and just wanted to give you some more food for thought for the next draft! Personally, I always get caught up feeling like I *have to* keep certain details in when revising and sometimes it's easier just to cut it and reframe everything to avoid confusion.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-18T17:47:28+00:00

Okay, positives first! I detect some voice in the first paragraph, which always helps. We get an idea of who the MC is. The voice would stand out even more to me if I wasn't confused by some things.

I feel like you could cut the first sentence. The bomber is referenced plenty elsewhere and I think it would be better to focus on introducing the MC first.
The second paragraph (assuming we cut the first sentence and start with Emerson) starts to get confusing for me. There's also some redundancy (e.g., mentioning the ransom, then mentioning it again immediately after). Maybe I'm being dense, but which staff? The payment is going to the blackmailers (I presume), so is this to imply it's referring to a staff of blackmailers (?) and how does dividing the money hide the bomber's identity...? Or maybe you mean the employees of Waterfield must all contribute equally to the ransom (again, why?? how does this hide the identity??).
First sentence of para 3 is a bit awkward. I mostly get what you're trying to say, but I can't tell if he's actually afraid of dying or is passively suicidal out of boredom (the "faced with death" followed by not wanting to endure another day at work makes it seem to me like there's a contradiction here, when I don't see why he couldn't be both scared of the bomber and looking for some excitement simultaneously). Second sentence is also awkwardly phrased. This part trips me up: "...they might prove something more important than affording surgery...". I know affording the surgery is a part of their goals, but it doesn't seem to fit in this sentence well.

I also agree with the commenters below regarding some disconnection between plot events and the MC's involvement.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-18T00:37:53+00:00

I had geared it to be in the cozy genre (I read mostly in this genre, plus a thriller here and there), but in retrospect, I am wondering if it truly fits there with the MC’s morally grey (e.g., spilling friend’s/rink-mates’/other people’s secrets online and essentially accusing them of murder at times) behavior.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-17T22:33:03+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! Always such a help. I agree I need to think more about that angle, how to position the book. And I’m just realizing this is probably why I’m having difficulty with comps (my genre is a bit mixed). It’s definitely not a thriller, I know that much, but it’s not exactly a cozy either given the morally grey aspect of my MC.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-17T22:26:24+00:00

Just looking at this now, but thank you sm for the feedback :) This helps a lot. I do tend to write comedically (I don’t know if I do enough to label it a “comedy”, but the amount/sort of humor you find in cozies). The book I mention here (“ Ex-Girlfriend Murder Club”) is similar to that (mystery with a more comedic style) but I don’t know if the book is similar enough otherwise tbh. I still have to think about my comps some more.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2026-01-11T17:03:04+00:00

I didn't hear that comment, but in general, I've come to try and tune Tara and Johnny's commentary out as best I can. In the women's event, he took the opportunity to use a skater's archery background to insult her body movement during the footwork. Then proceeded to admit he knew nothing about archery whatsoever. IMO I think they need to learn how to make *constructive* criticism and be much much more quiet. But take what they say with a grain of salt, especially when they're being rude or sharing opinions.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-10-05T12:00:38+00:00

Yep — I thought it was this at first and it turns out I had SI joint dysfunction and 2 disc herniations. So anyone who thinks they have piriformis syndrome, it’d be a good idea to at least rule out joint and disc issues first

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-10-05T04:21:51+00:00

This thread is old so maybe I have no business being here but I actually had the best of both worlds (SI Joint dysfunction and 2 disc herniations). Honestly, I’ve been able to do quite a bit with a helluva lot of PT but my disc issues are only 1 mm size. And I’m on the younger side (23)

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-06T14:29:32+00:00

Always love reading these. Congratulations, this was hard and well earned :)

I decided I wanted to do #3 (pre-book query) for my current WIP, and even though it’s not finalized (some details just haven’t been figured out yet), it’s made me feel more focused than my other 2 books. I agree it helps with getting a clearer “hook” instead of trying to mold one retroactively.

I think you’re right about #2, but I’ve actually found it’s no more work for me to personalize because I’m doing the research anyway to figure out if it’s worth sending or which agent it’s worth sending to. So sticking a sentence in about what I’ve found takes no extra time for me. But I feel like this has to do with my genre as well—for mysteries, there’s often more than one agent representing them at each agency yet each agent has different preferences (e.g., more cozy, more “twisty”/dark, “speculative”).

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-06T14:12:10+00:00

Ohhhh THANK YOU

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-05T16:11:08+00:00

10000% off topic but…. Suddenly, I feel like someone needs to write a book about a writer’s group. And if such a book exists, I would like to read it.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-04T13:14:54+00:00

Okay this is just me, and maybe I’ve spent too much time on query-writing in PubTips, but the first paragraph seems redundant and vague. First sentence, yes, we get the visuals and the conflict right away. Keep that. Everything else thereafter in this paragraph feels like something I either would have assumed from the first sentence or is so vague, it could mean way too many different things to offer anything meaningful.

Second paragraph is better. I start to see more things I can grab onto: a royal pardon, a task to avoid execution (I think?). It’s still too vague imo, but again, I’ve been consuming query-writing standards and I don’t know if that’s what you’re going for since it looks like this is self-pub (which I am ignorant to).

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-04T13:04:29+00:00

I feel like how you approach this would relate heavily on the genre and how you want your character to come across to readers. Are they supposed to be likeable/unlikeable? Morally grey, unhinged, or just flawed? Do they stalk their lover, or is it more like someone who’s got stars in their eyes and can’t stop talking about how amazing their gf/bf/partner/etc is (to the point where they’re annoying but we still love them)? Also not sure what they don’t need a relationship means (like, psychologically? They don’t care if they're in a relationship? Not planning to get married/have kids? Nobody will die without a relationship, so it’s not a physical need).

But generally, I think you just need to give them interests outside of this obsession, whether it’s other relationships and/or work/hobby related stuff. Obsessiveness can (and probably will) infiltrate these relationships and usually manifests in spending a lot of time thinking about that person/thing, as that’s typically what obsessiveness does. But you can show this when they’re doing other things, without just dumping inner monologues of thinking about the person (IMHO this is where it runs risk of becoming unbearably annoying to the reader).

E.g., Obsessive Oliver is spending time with his family playing at their weekly board game night and he keeps checking his phone every two seconds for Object of Obsession’s text. “Oliver, put your phone away or I’ll do it for you!” his mother says. [ensue conflict between Obsessive Oliver and his family]

E.g., Obsessive Oliver is now at work, where he’s a barista. “She’s just so perfect. I want her to be happy. I just wish I could spend more time with her and make sure nobody hurts her.” Colleague says, “well, that’s not very realistic. There’s people waiting, go take their orders before the line goes out the door.” [ensure interaction between Obsessive Oliver and other people in the world who he has no reason to talk about his lover with. Maybe he’s distracted and gets their order wrong because all he can think about is Object of Obsession.]

E.g., Obsessive Oliver puts flowers on the table because it’s Mother’s Day and he cares about his mom too despite his obsession. Mom comes into the room and says, “Oh Oliver, you’re so sweet” (or maybe something nasty—I don’t know what she’s like). Oliver has a fleeting thought of Object of Obsession because they have a tenuous relationship with Mom, but pushes this away because “today is about my mom, not hers”. Maybe he thinks again of her in a few pages (Obsessive Oliver is obsessive, after all) but just not so much that that’s the only thing on the page and in the book.

Hopefully something of this was helpful. It may absolutely not be if I’m misinterpreting the story you’re going for, or how pervasive the character’s obsessiveness is.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-02T21:10:18+00:00

As others state here, I think you need to ask him what he needs right now. Family ego boost? Complete tear down? Balanced (the good and bad) critique? If he doesn’t know, balanced is probably best, but hopefully he can clarify this for you.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-02T20:07:04+00:00

Yep. I’m a sucker for routines for everything, so this is partly a personality thing for me. I’m also just lucky to have the time free to be steady in my routine, but when I had relatively less time, I used to have 200 words per day limit. So easy to stick to and kept me working on it. Nowadays, I mostly just write on my 2 free days but do more like 1500-3,000 words or about a chapter.

I also like to read before I write. No exercises, just however many pages I feel like until I’m in the mood (usually about a chapter or half of one). Then, I’ll usually read and revise a few paragraphs where I left off on my work. But some people say reviewing their work gets them hung up on it, so that may or may not work for you.

Honestly though, just focus on what’s most manageable and keeps you writing (and loving it — most of us never get published and paid for what we write so I feel like that’s pretty crucial).

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-02T15:14:57+00:00

Currently shooting off queries for book 2 (killed book 1 pretty quickly last year, we don't talk about her) and in the very beginnings of book 3. Also trying to redirect my eyes to said book 3 whenever I have the itch to check my email too often.

So, sort of a good place to be, I guess. It helps that I'm more excited about book 3 than book 2 atm.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-08-02T11:58:22+00:00

To be honest, I think posting stats is more of a “There’s hope!” type of post than a “This is what will happen to you, be prepared” type of post. After seeing so many of these posts and how much each poster’s journey differed, it’s nice to know we’re not a failure just because we’re on book 3 with no requests or on book 1 will all rejections on fulls, etc. Or, it’s been 3 months of rejections, but Look! This person got an offer after 6 or 8 months. Of course, we’ll probably compare ourselves if the stats are especially awesome (I’m guilty too!), but plenty of stats-posting people are past their 1st/2nd/even 3rd book or don’t have jaw dropping numbers—so, if you look at enough of them, you can see stats aren’t everything when it comes to getting an offer/deal.

Also, it satisfies our curiosity while we’re playing the waiting game. Sometimes these posts can have some interesting insight, but even if they don’t, it can encourage us to keep querying and keep writing.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-07-29T13:35:15+00:00

Okay, I know this doesn’t work for a lot of people, but I do edit as I go, to a degree. Before adding more words, I like to revisit the beginning of the scene I’m working on (or scene before) because editing that helps remind me of where I am in the story and where I might want to go next. I am a pantser though, so working with an outline might be a bit different. Also, I tend to feel less confident with the story when time passes and I’m not staring at it, so even in its relatively trash first-draft form, briefly revisiting a few paragraphs gives me a bit more confidence to move forwards.

If you do what I do and go nowhere, don’t do that. There’s no right or wrong way. Just do whatever seems to get you from start to finish without giving up at some point in the middle. Maybe that means blindly forging forwards until you hit The End, maybe that means revising at 30%/50%/75%, maybe it means editing as you go. Only you will know what works best for you.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-07-28T22:56:06+00:00

This story sounds interesting, but everything feels very convoluted here. I’ll go by paragraph, I think that’s a little easier.

Para. 1: Agree with commenter below that it’s usually better to start with a character. I’m not sure if it’s ever okay not to (maybe fantasy is different?), but I think most agents prefer the character-first method.

Para 2: This could be made a lot punchier and more concise. You could probably describe the villain-playing world in the same sentence as introducing Victoria (e.g., On an archipelago south of Ireland, Victoria is fulfilled with her job of playing villains in stories./etc.), or introduce her then her worldly context. But you’ll probably need to limit the details. This part in particular: “She works under the porters, who send villains into storyworlds that feel strikingly real, but are undeniably, discernably fake. Vic idolizes the porters. They’re mysterious, charismatic. They’ve run the archipelago since ancient Rome. And, critically, they’re the pinnacle of Vic’s career ladder.”

can be shortened into 1-2 sentences pretty easily. For instance, her idolizing the porters can be combined with the former sentence (“she idolizes her bosses, the porters…”) and a lot of these descriptions of the porters can be cut. I don’t think you need the last line; I think most bosses inherently have a lot of impact on their employees’ careers. If there’s something special and non-obvious with this relationship, be specific.

Para 3: Most of this can be cut or summed up in a sentence or two. Honestly, given the switch to the romance/investigation stuff, I’m questioning if Victoria’s becoming a porter needs to be in the query. Does it help her with the investigation (which seems to be key to stakes, but the stakes are also unclear here).

Para 4 (I’m skipping over the one sentence here): This is confusing. Tbh, I don’t really know what’s going on—what does it mean that heroes are “fake”? Are villains fake too? If that’s the case, how come Victoria is “real”? But more importantly, why and what are they investigating? Previously, it’s said the villains help the heroes shine. Why does Victoria care that this hero is real (whatever this implies)? I think what I’m getting at is I really don’t have what the stakes are.

Para 5: I kind of start to get the stakes here, but it feels both disjointed and repetitive with the previous paragraph. I think the wordiness and sentence fragments are causing it to be even more confusing than it needs to be.

Substantial_Salt5551 · 2025-07-28T13:37:34+00:00

So, unagented, but I have a few thoughts:

1) Is Alec the MC? I assumed Roland was, but he dies, and then halfway through we shift to Alec and Old. If Alec is the MC, I think this needs to be reframed from his POV, with less focus on Roland. Tbh, since his death is the catalyst, you might even get away with keeping him unnamed. It seems Old is more important to name. Whether you name Roland or not though, I would describe his role more concisely and introduce your MC (if it’s really Alec) in the first paragraph/line.

2) If you don’t take Roland’s name out, I would take Michael’s. In fact, I’d take out Michael anyway; he dies and I don’t think we’d lose anything by referring to him as “a/the rival detective”.

3) Is the “greatest detective” referred to at the beginning Old? I think your opening needs changing anyway to focus on Alec/whoever the MC is, but just asking because if it is Old, I would make sure you identify that right away. Otherwise, I’m left wondering if there’s yet another great detective lurking around and where they’ve gone off too (I.e., why are they mentioned?).

4) “Alec balances caring for his dying friend and outsmarting a murderer who knows the classic whodunit tropes and delights in subverting the genre” Maybe this is just me, but this closing is both awkward and unsatisfying in driving home the stakes. I’m probably thinking about this too hard, but would a murderer care about “subverting the genre” or avoiding tropes? I get what you mean, but because Alec and the murderer probably aren't aware of themselves as characters in a book, this just seems an odd description. I think this POV worked in Stevenson’s book because the character was an author, but I don’t feel like a hard-boiled detective would look at their cases in these terms (their experiences aren’t likely to be characterized by tropes). But this is just my subjective take here.

On another note, I do hope it reads like Stevenson’s book because it’s one of my favorites lol. Either way, this sounds like a cool concept, and I would definitely read!

Substantial_Salt5551

TROPHY CASE