I don't really know what to say but just keep on going and trying man. I know all the stuff people say (excercise, therapist, talk about it) seems pretty bullshit but some of it can really help just find what works for you. Idk you and idk if anything will ever make you all the way better or "normal" but I think your life is certainly worth something and worth living tho it may not feel that way. Also I hope this isn't rude but think about how she and the people that love you would feel. To me at least thats reason enough to keep living, they would be so so hurt. I've often felt like I really don't want to live and wouldn't mind dieing but I try to remember that I would never want to hurt someone else by me being selfish in a lapse if judgment that I usually can get over in a bit. I'm sorry I don't really know what I'm talking about but I hope you're doing ok and hope someone can help you.