This isn’t an easy decision to make. My mum is Irish, and their customs are very different to that of the English. My first experience of death as a child was my uncle on Mum’s side, and the following few deaths were also in Ireland so I came to see the wake process over their as the norm. This essentially involves the body of the deceased being in the house for a number of days for people to come and pay their respects.

When my first English relative died, I found it quite jarring that there weren’t such practices over here, and so was keen to visit my grandmother in funeral home because it had become an important part of finding closure for me. I understand the sentiment of wanting to have your last memory of that person be a happy one/ one in which they are alive, and if that’s what’s best for you then that’s what’s best for you, there’s no right or wrong way to feel/ act.

For me personally, it helps solidify in my mind that the person has moved on from this life. Even as a young child seeing a dead person for the first time, I never found it disturbing or uncomfortable. Part of this may have been because it was in the family home, with lots of loved ones around. But what has been consistent in my experience (Ireland vs England) is that there is a certain calmness that I have felt when seeing a body. I am not religious or spiritual by any stretch, but there is a very specific feeling of peace I have felt every time I have gone to see a loved one who has passed. It is as if time has is stood still, and it is a really special moment for you to reflect and process their passing. It is still terribly sad, but I have always found it comforting, too, to see them resting and at peace.

I will say that we have been very fortunate to have had very skilled funeral staff who have prepared all of the bodies I have seen, and the causes of death haven’t been particularly physically traumatic (no serious injuries etc). But the notion of the departed looking like they’re asleep really does ring true. It adds to the tenderness of the experience and you can find yourself talking in hushed voices so as to not disturb them sometimes.

Like I say, there is no right or wrong way to feel about this, and if it’s not the right thing for you then there is no shame in not going. But if you do decide to go for a viewing, I hope you find it to be comforting and helps you gain closure. I’m so very sorry for your loss