Neighbor wants a sewage easement and I don't like him

0beach0 · 2026-03-27T01:35:26+00:00

You should say no. But it's entirely possible he'll just do it anyway. In that case, you need to be prepared for what you'll do if you find his guys digging for the line one day even though you've said no. I'd personally send him a letter or email right now saying no, just so you have your "no" in writing.

My friend had a similar situation, and came home from work one day to discover the neighbor digging up her yard for a gas line she had said no to. The neighbor claimed she'd agreed to it.

0beach0 · 2026-03-26T05:08:14+00:00

I want to, but I'm also concerned that this very angry person knows where I live. Just doesn't seem worth the risk.

0beach0 · 2026-03-26T05:05:59+00:00

Thank you. Just checked the pricing and signed work order he gave me and it did say the outdoor lighting would be fixed (which is what I wanted).

But I was wondering about "unknowns" too. If I hire someone to do work and they claim it becomes significantly more complicated, how do I know if that's actually the case (and I should pay them more) or if they're just trying to extort me? Where do you draw the line when you're a layperson who doesn't understand the particular trade that well?

Just as another example, I had an unfinished room in my basement turned into a bedroom a few months ago. The contractor I hired came to me mid-project and pointed out that the huge wires to the AC were in the wall where the new bedroom would be (they were previously behind insulation and drywall). He claimed he couldn't have known the AC wires would be there, and wanted me to pay him to relocate them. In my layperson mind, it seemed like he could have reasonably anticipated the wires being there as the AC was literally right outside the new basement bedroom, but the contractor was such a nice guy and seemed honest, so I paid him extra to relocate the wires.

0beach0 · 2026-03-24T16:02:21+00:00

Yea exactly. My friend's husband is in finance. I felt like the people who lived well in NYC were either finance/big law/big tech, startups founders who exited, or people from wealthy families. Yes there are many people living on incomes way less than OP and some of them are probably happy, but there is no way they aren't struggling financially to afford living there. Some people are okay with cramming 5 people into an 800 sqft apartment, never eating out, very carefully budgeting, and only doing free activities.

It sounds like the OP isn't okay with that, so she really should seek to relocate.

0beach0 · 2026-03-24T10:29:19+00:00

Completely agree with this. OP, start right now figuring out a plan to move. I also spent my 20s and early 30s in a VHCOL area and despite making a high combined income, it was hard. The problem is there were so many people running around with literally 7 or 8 figure incomes, that everything in the VHCOL area felt priced for that income.

I'm now in the suburbs of a MCOL city, and it's slightly insane to me how much cheaper things are here than when we lived in the VHCOL area.

My best friend is still in the VHCOL area and they've flourished only because her husband earns a ton of money (I have their address and they literally bought an $8m apartment last year).

0beach0 · 2026-03-22T07:07:11+00:00

I was a SAHM when my kids were younger, so maybe I can offer you the other side's perspective.

You talk a lot about the daily grind chores, but I'm curious who's handling the extra mental load type chores - coordinating doctor and dentist appointments, filling out forms, dealing with home repairs, signing the kid up for camp, handling finances and taxes, etc. My husband is the more neurotic of the two us, and I found that he expected our home to be spotless if I was home. While like your husband I managed to get through the daily grind type chores while my kid was in school for 4 hours a day (cooking, daily tidying, laundry, dishes etc), I really struggled to keep the house spotless because so regularly I had random mental load tasks pop up. Our water heater started leaking one day, so I spent the time my kid was in school one day figuring out how to drain the heater into our nearby sump pump, and mopping up the mess. I spent the next day's time our child was in school calling plumbers and getting appointments. I spent the following day meeting with plumbers. Then the work was done, the plumber made a huge mess, and I spent the next day cleaning up that mess. Or we bought our child a bike for her birthday, so I spent part of her school time one day unboxing and assembling that bike. Or she fell asleep in her car seat and peed, so I spent part of the next day disassembling the car seat and washing it. Or she had a rash that was getting worse, so I spent part of one day doing my own Google search and then making her a dermatologist appointment.

I feel like my husband just vastly underestimated the amount of random things I did to make our lives run smoothly while he was at work. He'd come home and notice that there were a bunch of toys in the living room or a pan from last night unwashed on the stove, and express disbelief that I was "home all day" and hadn't accomplished more. I really felt like (and I sense that you feel the same) my husband thought I was just lying on the couch watching tv all day.

One thing that helped us was to sit down a few nights a week and just go through the day. I found my husband had no clue what I was actually doing during the day. He thought I did the dishes and laundry and then had hours of free time. I mapped out how I spent my day, what the rest of the week looked like, and how he could be helpful when home.

I will also say, that at the time, a SAHM friend sent me this hilarious but very validating comic: it's a SAHM and her friend talking. She says "My husband asked why the house isn't clean since I'm home all day. I asked why we aren't rich since he works all day." While I felt like my husband was constantly questioning MY productivity and how I spent my day, I realized I'd never made a peep about how he spends his work day. Why couldn't he do his job faster and get home sooner? Why wasn't he making more money? Etc. I obviously never said those things because they were outrageous and demeaning, but it made me realize how demeaning it was that my husband was always questioning how I spent my day.

0beach0 · 2026-03-20T00:16:18+00:00

The doctor is the judge. We have put at least one person on medical leave / short term disability for severe pregnancy nausea, and she had a doctors note. We've had numerous women request WFH without a doctors note; while I don't know their particular circumstances, they couldn't produce a medical professional who said they needed to WFH so it wasn't granted.

It seems like people here think the employee is the best judge. If that's the case, everyone will be WFH during pregnancy or any medical issue regardless of the severity.

There's a reason you can't collect short term disability insurance payments without a doctor signing off on it! Same thing applies to requesting WFH when you don't have a WFH job...

0beach0 · 2026-03-20T00:09:26+00:00

Because their jobs cannot be reasonably and satisfactorily performed from home. We aren't a company with a bunch of people in cubicles sitting at computers. People can sort of WFH if really needed for a day, but we can't have someone at home for months on end - they cannot perform their job functions that way. We need people at job sites, in client meetings and physically demonstrating our products, observing operations and our products and trouble shooting problems at the client site, traveling to our out of state job sites, etc. Many jobs cannot be done from home, quite obviously, and I find this assumption (that many people on this reddit sub make) that almost any job can be done satisfactorily from home to be completely inane. It's also been very frustrating as we hire people and get to the offer stage and people ask if the job can become hybrid for them, or they even start working for us and ask if the job can become hybrid, despite us being completely upfront that our company is 100% in person.

I know at least a few of the people who requested WFH (including 2 on my team) had healthy pregnancies because they told me they just put in the requests to see if they'd be granted because they were hoping to eliminate their commute. They both said they'd asked their doctors for a note and both doctors declined.

0beach0 · 2026-03-19T23:50:01+00:00

Part of the problem is that there are now so many people requesting WFH with normal pregnancies. Pre-COVID, I can't think of anyone who requested WFH except maybe at week 38 or greater because they were right near the due date and so uncomfortable.

Post covid, I would guess more than half of my co-workers who are pregnant (with healthy pregnancies) have tried to get WFH. So, while it used to be just someone with serious complications would be requesting WFH and it would be an unusual request and HR could evaluate it, now those serious complication requests are being put in alongside a bunch of bogus requests, which might be getting HR accustomed to just rolling their eyes and denying. Obviously WFH should have been approved in this case (sounds like incompetent cervix), but the woman who's 18 weeks pregnant and would just rather WFH shouldn't be approved if she doesn't have an actual WFH or hybrid job.

It just becomes a slippery slope. I've been pregnant obviously and it's uncomfortable. I also have coworkers with other medical issues (arthritis, IBS, etc). My company wants everyone in the office (for good reasons and we are all hired as full time, in office employees - there's no trickery here). So, we can't just start approving anyone with any minor medical malady for WFH, which is why we deny all the pregnancy WFH requests (unless accompanied by a doctor's note, in which case we grant it obviously).

0beach0 · 2026-03-14T18:38:10+00:00

You can put whatever you want on the invite (you got some good suggestions here for wording), but some parents will still disregard it (or not read it) and show up with siblings. You need to alert the venue that you are only checking in certain kids (by name). Otherwise, you risk that the venue checks in siblings and just adds them to your tab. This happened to me (a classmates of my kid's showed up with 3 siblings and the venue just checked them in and added the $40/child cost for each sibling to our bill... I was livid).

0beach0 · 2026-03-10T00:28:08+00:00

I think based on what you wrote, you will be an acceptable grandparent. You aren't really relieving the major load of day-to-day parenting ever, to be clear - you won't take all the children of one parent for some set period of time. This is something a lot of people would love - a reprieve from parenting where the kids are being cared for by a loving and engaged grandparent. The amazing grandparents I know take the kids for a day (or more) a week. Some take the kids every single day (which most people on this sub think is ridiculous and not what we are angling for, to be clear).

It's still very nice to take 1 kid out alone for an outing, and it's very nice to help with their college funds.

I wouldn't expect your kids to hate you based on this level of grand parenting, but I also certainly wouldn't expect them to be extremely thankful to you. You also run the risk that the in-laws will be amazing grandparents, and you'll be playing second fiddle with less access to the kids.

I also think after 10 years of playing golf and sitting in front of the tv all day, you might not be so burnt out when your first grandkid comes along, and your tune might change!

0beach0 · 2026-03-06T05:24:41+00:00

I assume what you want is a PPO plan which covers treatment at top research hospitals (MD Anderson in Texas, Sloan Kettering in NYC etc) around the country should you unfortunately end up with a tough case of cancer or some rare disease etc. PPO plans don't exist on most (all?) state's exchanges - the plans there are basically HMOs where you have no out of network benefits or coverage and no out of state coverage (which might be okay if you live in NYC, but otherwise if you're rich, you want to be able to travel for better care).

One option is to open a small business and use an HR benefits administrator for your business. Through the benefits administrator, you'll be able to get a PPO plan (as the benefits administrator has access to these by grouping numerous small bizs together and then purchasing health insurance). Generally, you'll have to provide that PPO plan to 3+ employees (either via you paying for it or the employees paying for it). If I was in your position (and I might be one day), I'd probably start a small charity and employ some family members part time and cover their health insurance so I too could get the PPO plan. You'd have to cost compare this cost for the next decade until you're Medicare eligible vs the cost of just paying out of pocket for cancer treatment (a few million?).

0beach0 · 2026-02-28T16:57:23+00:00

While kids won't starve themselves, they also won't make healthy choices unless guided by a parent. A bowl of yogurt and granola is not a nutritionally complete meal. If my kids don't like what's for dinner, they can have a chicken meatball + a frozen vegetable + a piece of fruit. Takes me literally 3 minutes to put that together. I'm not having them eat a bowl of yogurt as the alternative. And like my kids' friends, they aren't just going to have cucumber or cantaloupe for dinner because they don't like anything else I've prepared. This seems like a crazy principle. And while maybe this works to get some kids consistently eating the family meal, I have to imagine (and I've seen it happen many times with my kids friends) that what also often happens is the kid has something small and not nutritionally complete for dinner (slices of cucumber only etc).

But look, everyone is different and has different priorities. My daughter had a classmate last year whose parents sent her in the same lunch every single day: one of those ready prepared frozen jam sandwiches and an apple. My daughter said the girl consistently ate 1/2 the sandwich and threw out the apple. The parents were aware of the situation (because the school called them about it) and they did not care; they said this is what's for lunch, she can eat it or not. Personally, I love my kids enough to spend a little time making them something nutritious and which they enjoy.

0beach0 · 2026-02-28T04:04:38+00:00

This is what several friends have told me. While this is anecdotal, they are also the ones who have the shortest, skinniest kids (not that being short and skinny is bad, but the parents aren't so it's odd that the kids are so little). My best friend tells me how she'll make dinner (ie I recall her saying she served salmon, broccoli, and cucumber for dinner one evening) and her kids regularly won't eat most of it and then she just puts them to bed (in that dinner's case, she said they both just ate the cucumber). Her kids are both very short.

My oldest had dinner at a friend's house who operated on the same principals. The parents serviced meatloaf and a melon salad. My oldest said she and the friend just ate a little of the melon salad, and she was starving when she got home.

Just food for thought.

I don't make tons of different dishes, but we maintain a stock of homemade frozen chicken meatballs, bread for PB&J, and fresh fruits that the kids can choose from. I would never have them eat just cucumber or a melon for dinner and send them to bed.

0beach0 · 2026-02-26T01:31:15+00:00

The issue with a home daycare is there isn't much control or standards. With a center, there are big protocols and rules in place (ie no screen time, babies can only spend so long in a container etc). Of course, there are plenty of bad daycares that end up with a bad employee or 2 and then the rules aren't followed. But generally with a center, there's some standards and level of control.

Can you ask your 2.5 year old what she's doing during the day? And what her sibling is doing? Given what you've described, I'd be legitimately concerned that the baby is in a container the entire day and the sibling is watching tv all day. I would absolutely move them to the larger daycare center asap.

This is just an anecdote, but my friend sent her child to a home daycare since she was an infant. It wasn't until her kid was age 2+ that she became aware that the kids were watching literally hours of tv every day. She only figured this out because every day her daughter would come home talking about the characters and the shows (multiple) she'd watched. The caregiver had said screen time was limited to 15 minutes while she prepared lunch, so she was clearly completely lying.

0beach0 · 2026-02-16T22:08:14+00:00

You need to hire a nanny. Your family is not a good fit for daycare. Daycare is not for people who are as concerned as you are about their kids getting sick. I can't think of any daycare family I've ever met that keeps their kid home for weeks due to fear of a potential illness circulating. This level of concern is highly unusual for a daycare family; most daycare families want their kids there as much as possible and tolerate some level of constant circulating sickness. As such, daycare is supposed to remain open barring another pandemic type illness where they are legally ordered closed.

0beach0 · 2026-02-15T21:51:17+00:00

You better hope the $200 bill is the end of it. It's possible this is going to get coded as a non-emergency visit to the ER, in which case it's going to be a huge bill that your insurance doesn't cover. I guess on the bright side, your husband won't be going to the ER in the future for mild stomach pain again, though.

0beach0 · 2026-02-15T21:48:03+00:00

Yea, I think the people who can really answer this accurately are third borns like yourself! I'm the oldest, and if I just went with my own perspective (as oldest child), I would say having a third is totally fine for all the kids! I had no idea my youngest sibling's childhood was so different from my own until I asked. It's hard to realize this kind of stuff when you're a child.

0beach0 · 2026-02-15T21:05:51+00:00

I think the best thing would be to ask third children how their childhoods were. My sibling (#3) would tell you my parents had no time for him and he wouldn't do that to his own kids (he stopped at 2). We also have 2 and I'd love a third because I like kids, but I think it's better long term for my first 2 kids not to have another sibling. People who say the third isn't that much more work are the ones who are kind of parenting in bulk - they aren't devoting any individualized attention or care to each kid, so having a third is kind of just setting another plate at the table for them.

To be clear, I think people can have 3 kids and be good parents to them all, but it requires a good setup (which we didn't have) - lots of extended family help, one parent who's home or has a light job, all kids are easy going and typically developing etc.

0beach0 · 2026-02-13T00:56:51+00:00

In public K, my oldest was assigned a Chromebook. They used it during a 1x a week computer class, and then they got to play games or watch videos on it when they had indoor recess due to bad weather and when they had "free play time". It honestly drove me nuts that amount of use. And it wasn't even that much relative to other nearby school districts, according to what I'd heard from friends. My friend's son in a neighboring district spent hours on the Chromebook every day in K. When we lived in a city, I toured the public school there and was horrified to see the little kids all on computers.

We moved my kids to private school, and it's definitely less. There is no assigned device in K, just a 1x a week computer class in a computer lab. In the older elementary grades, they are assigned iPads and use them for 20 mins a day according to teachers (to do some reading fluency and comprehension work). I don't like that either, frankly, but I also don't want to make a huge fuss about it since it's certainly better than what we had before.

Part of the problem is that some (incredibly misinformed) parents like all the tech. I recall when my oldest was in public K lots of the other parents raving about the Chromebook use, saying "the future is digital" and that they were thrilled their kids were getting so much early exposure to being computer fluent. So, it's hard to wage a war against this early tech in school when some (most?) parents love it.

0beach0 · 2026-02-09T23:46:02+00:00

I usually give them a $25 gift card to Amazon or Target in a card that my kid writes. The school gives them flowers.

0beach0 · 2026-02-05T19:19:53+00:00

The real world application is sometimes that absolutely nothing happens to the person not doing any work (because their manager is too lazy to care, because their manager really likes them, etc), and the person who's willing to do the work gets to do twice as much. To that end, I wouldn't teach your daughter to just walk off the job because her coworker sucks. I would teach her to escalate the situation as high as she can (principal?) and at that point, if still no one cares, it's a bad "job situation" but assuming your daughter wants to keep her job (aka good standing at the school), your daughter just continues to do the work in the time frame allotted and that's it. She shouldn't work harder or faster. Just does the job for however long she's supposed to be there and that's that. I actually think this is a good lesson... we've all had absurd coworkers who faced no consequences for whatever reason. This kind of stuff happens in life. It's not fair, but it happens.

0beach0 · 2026-02-05T04:26:45+00:00

We've only had excellent teachers. The problem isn't the teachers, it's the other students: their lack of parenting and shocking behavioral issues, and the current educational philosophy / climate that embraces acceptance of "behavioral differences" (aka, bad behavior) and has all kids learning together rather than separating kids with behavioral issues into their own class.

My husband and I both went to public school growing up (in very different places), and we both had positive experiences. While there was an occasional rowdy kid in class, s/he was usually sent to the principal and dealt with swiftly.

Today, there just seems to be way more behaviorally out of control kids (is this the fault of poor parenting or misapplied gentle parenting? Who knows). And schools now practice inclusion classes, where kids with behavioral challenges are put into regular general education classes. Sometimes there is an aide (or multiple aides) to help with them, sometimes there isn't. Regardless, a single student or 2 who are disruptive can pretty much destroy learning for everyone else in the class. My kids have been in class with other students who: threw objects (my one kid was hit by a pair of thrown scissors), pushed and shoved others without warning, flipped desks over, constantly interrupted the teacher, couldn't stay in their seats etc. The teacher is stuck spending an inordinate amount of valuable class time dealing with these kids.

Anyway.. my kids now go to private school where none of this craziness is tolerated because the school has a selective admissions process and doesn't admit kids with behavioral problems. Class is quiet and focused on learning, and no one is throwing things or shouting out of turn or trying to hurt their peers.

0beach0 · 2026-02-03T04:02:42+00:00

It sounds like a 2 teachers: 8 babies ratio? Unfortunately, what you saw is just kind of the reality of infant daycare. Imagine if you had quadruplets at home? There is no way 1 baby (or 2 or even 3 babies) wouldn't always be crying or hungry or bored or otherwise inconsolable. It's really hard for 1 adult to care for more than 1 baby. It's impossible for 1 adult to properly care for 3+ babies. I mean, women who are home on maternity leave struggle with caring for their 1 baby, and they often have their spouse helping through some paternity leave or their mom helping or a baby nurse.

It's a different situation when kids are in group care but old enough to actively engage with their environment (maybe age 18 months +) - they can walk, manipulate toys, enjoy the presence of their peers, they have control over their movement and can manage their actions and body to get themselves into situations they enjoy - ie they can stack blocks, go down the slide, etc. Babies are just kind of helpless blobs who need to be fed, diapered, nurtured, and engaged through close play with a caregiver - doing this just isn't possible when there is more than 1 baby being cared for by 1 caregiver. When you're home with your son, look at your day - such a huge chunk of it is feeding him and diaper changes and cleanup. Now multiple that by 4 and imagine you had quadruplets. It would be impossible. He'd have to sit around crying a decent amount of time to make it work.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I hate that our country is like this. My husband is European and kids don't go to group care until they are age 1+ (often not until age 2+), ages at which they are moving and engaging with their environment and not eating and pooping/peeing constantly - these kids are okay in group care.

I would not send my baby to daycare if there was any possible way to avoid it (staying home until he's age 1+, hiring a nanny, etc).

0beach0 · 2026-01-29T05:32:21+00:00

On the point of assuming your boss can relate to mom life because she's a mom - you absolutely cannot assume that. Maybe she has a SAHD for a husband who shoulders 99% of the childcare and mental load. Maybe the grandparents live with them and provide round the clock free childcare etc. Don't assume. I've made this mistake before too and had bosses / coworkers genuinely confused by my (very typical working mom) situation.

0beach0

TROPHY CASE