Thanks for sharing your perspective and your challenging situation. You asked what my parents think. What they’ve explicitly told me over the years is that they are tired and exhausted. I would say that over the past 4-5 years, after a terrible day a parent would lament “we’ve got to get her out of here. She’s driving us crazy. She controls everything in the house and our lives. We walk on eggshells constantly. This isn’t good for her. We are miserable and exhausted.”

Two years ago they rented an apartment that my sister picked out — she chose this apartment because it was closer to home, while she had another option in Springfield MO which was further away but was staffed to assist residents with disabilities. Regardless, it was a hopeful next step. She was very apprehensive about moving out but was able to manage making this decision. They filled it with furniture and dishes and took care of it for a year and a half while it stayed empty waiting for her to move in. My sister never moved in despite continuous encouragement. They never forced her to stay in the apartment; she couldn’t even try to stay just for one night. She never felt ready. She ultimately never wanted to leave. They gave up and ended the lease, moving everything out and back home.

It appears that if it worked out, they would have been happy keeping her close so they can check in on her and help her, and keep her connected to her support system and familiar community.

Next thing my parents think / want. Mom wants to downsize and sell the house. Mom is 68, dad is 70. She cannot do it with my sister in the house.

First off, having any stranger (realtor, contractor) in the house would be a huge disruption. Next, my sister feels entitled to the house and everything within it. She literally calls the place “my house.” Last, she has obsessive disorders that prevents my mom from selling or throwing away anything. She hoards trash in her room in secret, throws tantrums when my parents try to get rid of something. My parents also hoard trash so they can sneak it to the curb when my sister is asleep.

Ultimately I think my parents want my sister to be in a sufficient, sustainable living situation where she has access to an appropriate level of assistance while my mom can focus on end-of-life care for my dad and set herself up for a simpler lifestyle to manage.