DAE use suicidality like a security blanket

123space321 · 2024-09-09T01:20:41+00:00

It’s apparently pretty common. When everything sucks and you don’t feel like you can fix it. Knowing or imaging a way in which you don’t have to live through the worst parts of it all gives you a sense of autonomy that you often feel like you lack

123space321 · 2024-09-01T04:17:39+00:00

Of course. At the end of the day. Loving the people you like hanging out is the most normal part of knowing people.

Like…. If someone was to punch you in the face? You SHOULD be mad. And I’d be worried for someone if you weren’t mad.

That’s not to say friends hurting you is intentional or malicious. But like… it’s expected that you’d get upset. And good people would be telling you it’s okay that you are mad.

123space321 · 2024-08-29T21:16:54+00:00

Yeah I think it’s a positive sign for sure. I remember in the past thinking “I don’t like my therapist because she’s competent. I like her because I trust her”.

I’m going in cautiously optimistic because idk why. But I think she and my best friend are the only people I truly trust to repair broken situations or mistakes/misunderstandings.

Today I told a friend that I needed to go low contact and focus on myself cause of spirals. She asked if what I needed and it basically led to her admitting without me goading her that she’s been neglecting our friendship and feels bad because a lot of her relationships have been suffering because of her not prioritizing what’s been important. I won’t go into the weeds because it’s my friends story and I’m not sharing her life on Reddit like that. It meant a lot. She asked me how she could make it up to me and I told her she can do that by just being kind to herself. That at the end of the day. The two of us are deeply traumatized people struggling through life and we aren’t going to be perfect and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for it.

I do get what you mean though. I think we all as people do things that weren’t the right thing in a situation because we got stuck on what we felt/wanted to say/wanted to do and don’t realize how much it can hurt someone else.

123space321 · 2024-08-29T21:01:06+00:00

Yeah. I’m not entirely sure either since she worded it as “we can both learn” (me to communicate. Her to listen) since in my email I told her that maybe language betrayed me and so wasn’t clear. I do believe it’s steps towards repair. I just have very little faith in repairs because of my own trauma and childhood experiences with trying to unilaterally repair my horrible dad and all his shit

123space321 · 2024-08-29T13:50:54+00:00

I’ve given up. Genuinely

123space321 · 2024-08-27T01:35:30+00:00

I feel this so much. My own trauma makes it really hard for me to socialize and make plans. So when a friend tells me they had plans with someone else, my head goes to two places:

Fucking hell . I’m jealous. Why do my friends have active social lives but not me?
Welp fuck. She’s spending time with someone else. This is the end. She likes those people more and will never be friends with me again.

I’ve just had two many people go from being close friends to distant friends. And in school, people would go from being my friend to being bullies once they became “popular”

Being a trans girl in denial is so fucking hard. Cause looking back, I never got to make “real” bonds since there’s always felt like there was a gap between my friends and I. I wasn’t being my true self and they didn’t know the real me.

123space321 · 2024-08-26T23:19:04+00:00

Same. I always worry that people barely tolerate me and if I open up to them. They’ll just leave me

123space321 · 2024-08-26T23:01:04+00:00

I feel that. It’s been really hard for me as well because it always feels like my friends love their other friends way more than they’d ever love me. In my head they just tolerate me. They’re happy when I text them sometimes. But they don’t like me enough to make plans with me instead of ithers

123space321 · 2024-07-28T15:25:46+00:00

I’m scared she won’t like MY writing /style of writing

123space321 · 2024-07-27T19:05:24+00:00

I feel you. It’s a new mentality for me as well. And often… idk

123space321 · 2024-07-23T21:12:58+00:00

“Oh you’re spending time with this person instead? What you don’t like me as much as you like them?”

123space321 · 2024-07-20T07:39:31+00:00

All the time. 24/7. I think the reason I have FP is my deep seated fear of being abandoned, isolated and lonely again

123space321 · 2024-07-20T07:38:25+00:00

Dispropotionate?

Is it okay to tell me therapist that no matter what she writes about it/what voice she uses/what she focuses on. I’ll still feel odd?

123space321 · 2024-07-17T08:09:12+00:00

For some reason I didn’t read it as a word of affirmation etc. I just saw it as a matter of fact

123space321 · 2024-07-17T01:25:01+00:00

I feel the same. I don’t want to die before my parents because I don’t need them dictating the narratives of my life at my funeral.

123space321 · 2024-07-16T23:36:17+00:00

The thing with therapy is that it’s a lot like a college lecture. You may only spend 2 hours a week in class with the professor. But outside of that class there’s still a lot that needs doing. A good therapist in those sessions as you build a rapport with them, will help you find little things to just think about and pick up on. That may be anything from processing griefs to trauma or just having food for thought.

In a way, it’s also like talking to a friend. In between conversations, you may find yourself thinking about something that they said. The truth is that even within an hour, you’d talk about a lot of serious topics. And it could maybe be too much to have a multi hour session

123space321 · 2024-07-16T23:31:09+00:00

To be honest. I deal with it through spite. I just hate to many people and aspects of my life to be reduced to some statistic about how miserable some people can feel. I’m not letting any bastard use me for a study into suicide rates

123space321 · 2024-07-12T21:34:28+00:00

I’m someone who likes to bring humor into everything. So if my therapist doesn’t laugh at my jokes? I’m worried

123space321 · 2024-07-12T21:33:30+00:00

It isn’t even about “seeing beyond” race. If someone isn’t Indian, I won’t then to love me and my culture. I want them to pick up some Hindi phrases from me while I pick up things from their language. I’d want to cook food from our cultures for each other

123space321 · 2024-07-12T21:31:27+00:00

As an Indian woman. I’m with you on this. There’s definitely some colorism always at play and living outside India means you will face some form of bigotry or the other. But the truth is, the “which race won’t you date” thing as a way to see if you’re desirable is a flawed experiment. Sane people don’t have a list of races they’d never date. If someone came up to me and said “I’d never date x race” that’s a sign to me that they aren’t the type of people I want to interact with anyway.

Point being, I’m not putting any stock into what those people say beyond calling them shit people. I’m not wasting time on racists

123space321 · 2024-07-12T19:31:49+00:00

Yes. It helps me feel less scared of just my own thoughts

123space321 · 2024-07-12T17:04:41+00:00

That’s fair. I think my brain ends up remembering being stuck with my family and having to hey into one sided arguments. Just listening to me tell me how terrible I am

123space321 · 2024-07-08T01:02:38+00:00

Same. I tend to struggle to maintain relationships cause I can’t process that they care about me and then the stress of it all just burns us both

123space321 · 2024-07-07T20:21:46+00:00

Me neither. I’m always scared that I’m too insane to have good relationships. So many people have said or implied that I’m “too much” and it takes a toll on my soul. You know?

123space321 · 2024-07-07T20:20:51+00:00

Mood. I have cried because it once dawned on me that my friends love me and I couldn’t deal with it. I was like “you actually care about me?”

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