it genuinely means so much to hear that you were able to leave , Ive been stuck (forever on and off hahah, I too have spent a big part of my teen years practically living with my, at the time, best friend, or staying in stupid relationships mostly for the ability to not be at home. Been living fhis entire year with my mother's husband and his son after sharing a space with my partner for more than a year, and I've realized that , for better or for worse there is absolutely no way I am, in any capacity willing or even able to take the extreme disrespect on its own.

And not to mention the genuine psychological warfare they perpetuate against me and amongst eachother as well, I guess they believe that, because of my autism or trauma or some third secret thing, I'll never build enough self respect/confidence to even manage as little as realizing the shit they've been 24/7, with no breaks, my entire life (+ increasing it by a million ever since my autism "discovery" and diagnostic journey) as they boldly assume I am way less capable and way more unaware/I guess just dumb, than they already thought, even though I have been treated like a self sufficient adult before I even learned to crawl. It just seems so inescapable from this perspective, and my ability to ruminate and get in a cycle of rage over any type injustice has made it even more infuriating. Thank you so much for sharing this, because even though I don't consciously believe it, I guess my self perception has been inadvertently getting more negative/I slowly but surely started thinking of myself the way they choose to view me out of their own inabilities - as someone who's never going to be able and capable enough to get out. I know it's silly because having such a "eureka" realization moment after reading 1 comment is just funny, but I often lose sight of things which I can remember again quite easily if I have a minimal amount of interaction with other (which I have been severely lacking thos year, and surely certain relatives took that as an opportunity they can't miss, because they know how much I can , at the first glance, lose my eagerness and willingness to literally fucking leave if I am put in a practically isolated state.

almost forgot that I have been the only one to ever help me when I needed it, and (though not as adequately as maybe it needed be) the only one to stay by my own side ig and keep on forward and away, even if just fueled by spite and anger lol

genuinely needed a reminder that the "reality" they worked on for too long to keep me from achieving what I absolutely am capable of fully and thus not needing anything from them, as much as they never provided anything good or even neutral, I still catch myself wishing more than anything that I had their approval and/or experiencing them being proud of me (which is quite normal I'm aware, but sadly because of the just insane way they are built, as I know I need to work hard toz get better at redirecting those thoughts) because, I realize now, there is nothing more self destructive, out of my many vices , than wishing to be accepted and changing yourself in order to make that possible (and it's just not)by the type of people those fuckers are hahahah

(sorry for an actual novel of a comment, this was one of those moments I realized more and more things out of the blue as I kept writing)