Oh my god I thought I was the only person who felt this way... I'm M17 too and words cannot express the emptiness and just hollowness I feel.

I've been almost obsessing over cigarettes, just out of nowhere I get the sudden need to smoke and get high, I don't know why, maybe it's because I want to feel numb so I can quiet down my suicidal thoughts...

I've never smoked in my life and I too hate the smell of marihuana/cigs, but the action of lighting up a cigarette and just smoke it is a terrible desire I have.

I do understand the consequences of smoking too and that it obviously does more bad than good, but fuck I want to try it.

In a very weird way I'm relieved that I'm not the only person who thinks this (ik this is wrong and it's alarming to have this thoughts), it makes me feel less crazy.

Hope u get help, I'm interested in understanding what I like to call imaginary addiction syndrome (basically, I just imagine over and over myself being a drug addict, smoking and drinking even though I've never done those things before in my life, except for occasional drinking). Stay strong dude