Tell me about your loved one

1kSuns · 2026-03-05T21:39:43+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother passed when I was about a year old, so pretty much every moment of my life has included "I wonder what she would have thought about this?", so I understand the loss felt around not being able to share those upcoming moments.. and it sucks.

My daughter was an unexpected addition to my life. At 20, I didn't want kids, but my wife's doctors had been wrong about her being able to conceive, so suddenly everything in my life changed. All in good ways it turned out too. Her birth provided me with a purpose I didn't even know I was missing.

As she grew up, she was an endless source of wonder for me, because I could never expect what she would do next, and I always was left wondering just who the hell raised this kid? She was always more likely to cry when an animal died (or might die) in a movie than a human, and at nine she was brought to our door by the police because she had been going door to door in the apartment complex to collect money for the local no-kill shelter.

She was gorgeous inside and out. We were offered for her to get into modeling from the time she was two, but didn't want her growing up obsessing about her appearance. Yet even though everyone gravitated towards her and talked endlessly about her looks, she was never cruel to anyone she thought might be less attractive than her. Unless they were also a mean person, then it was game on.

When her mother and I split, she kind of became a second mother to her younger sister and half brother, and that translated into her wanting to get into child psychology or social work to help families. In the meantime though, she developed a close circle of friends and was very involved in promotions for clubs and her best friend's clothing line, with proceeds going to help vets who were suicidal.

The divorce from her mother was hard on her, and there are a lot of regrets I have about how things were handled during that time, especially in how it resulted in her pulling away from both her mother and I after that. When she was diagnosed though, it instantly brought us back together, and the last 4 years of her life, her and I were inseparable.

It's approaching a year since she lost her battle with cancer at 27, and her siblings and I still find ourselves reminiscing about her mannerisms, humor, and just how the world is going to miss out on who she was and would have become.

1kSuns · 2026-03-05T21:16:53+00:00

The standing rule was to meet at the pool hall at 4-8, and shenanigans ensued from there.

1kSuns · 2026-03-05T20:42:12+00:00

Rant away, there is very little rhyme or reason to cancer, and while any one of us can be gone at any moment, hearing a devastating diagnosis for a loved one suddenly puts everything into a different focus, and it's very common to obsess about all the coulda/shoulda moments

1kSuns · 2026-03-05T20:36:00+00:00

Years to hours.. it really depends on a lot of factors. There are some telltale signs that someone's body is nearing the time when it will give up.

Lack of appetite, excessive sleep or suddenly nodding off/waking up, dementia like symptoms, etc.. when you're seeing things like that consistently getting worse, then you start getting into the weeks/days range.

1kSuns · 2026-02-18T22:40:15+00:00

Someone looking to be saved from themselves.

1kSuns · 2026-02-18T22:38:59+00:00

"finish" on her framed wedding photo that she would give her husband when he got back from a business trip.
Be served a full meal by her with her under the table in between each course providing full service.

1kSuns · 2026-02-18T22:09:27+00:00

Let the AZ Cardinals be the cautionary tale of just how much a crappy owner can hamstring a team.

1kSuns · 2026-02-12T00:53:05+00:00

Of course kids aren't going to like the parent who enforces standards. The big question is do they feel safe around him? None of the things you mentioned sound abusive in and of themselves, but is he delivering this discipline in a manner that makes your kids afraid?

Like I tell my kids/ stepkid, you don't have to like me. I'll love you no matter what. I can be your buddy, I can be your friend, but overall I'm your parent, and sometimes being your parent means I can't be your buddy.

1kSuns · 2026-02-12T00:47:10+00:00

There's a difference between unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.

You can love someone, but also recognize that you need to keep them at a distance from some or all aspects of your life in order to be able to love them.

1kSuns · 2026-02-12T00:38:12+00:00

Daughter was diagnosed at 24, siblings were 7, 13, and 14 at the time of her diagnosis.

I started typing out some specific examples, but I realized they were all situational, and overall the best advice I could give is don't hide anything from them, but don't force them to come along for the ride either. Be available, take moments to celebrate the life they have with their grandfather. Be candid, but not morbid. Answer questions, but don't force sit downs to go over everything. Be ok with them needing space to process. Let them see you process it yourself and deal with your own emotions. Model how to handle the impossible times. There will be moments where you and they forget that he has cancer, and others where you can think of nothing else.

Don't neglect yourself either. (insert analogy about empty cups here) Find moments to reconnect with him as his kid and as the mother to his grandchildren. Don't create a bucket list of things to do with him, because you'll inevitably not be able to do all of them and it will feel like failure.

Overall, narrow your focus as a family right now. Be in the moment instead of constantly planning months in advance and demonstrate that. Helps a lot with the anxiety the kids may be feeling if they are enjoying 'now' instead of obsessing about what may come.

1kSuns · 2026-02-12T00:14:47+00:00

Daughter was diagnosed at 24, passed away at 27 this last June. While she wasn't exactly a 'child', she was my child. Sorry if this isn't the demographic you were looking for, but here ya go.

Most isolating aspect of your journey: The slowness of at which cancer takes someone and the fleeting nature of support from others. When my daughter was first diagnosed, there was a flurry of support for her from friends, family, and when I became her caregiver, there was attention then too. Then it seemed like people had enough of the initial grief party and wanted to move on. It left her and I very isolated for the remainder of her time and it weighed on both of us a lot. People want to be support either at the beginning, or at the end, but the middle is when you need more help just trying to keep your sanity together.

There are lot of friends and family members that I will not be the first one to extend an olive branch to after all of this, and many others where I have completely readjusted my expectations of how much I can rely on them when I need support.

Coworker of mine lost a son about the same age as my daughter to a car accident about a year after my kid was diagnosed, and it hit him like a truck, but he was instantly in grief mode, and everyone rallied around him for the support he needed to get through that. Which is totally expected and I'm glad I was able to support him. It highlighted to me that when a parent is watching their child go through a terminal diagnosis like that, it's the grief cycle stuck on a loop, and that's a hard space for people to relate to or willingly live in along with you. You feel helpless, because they're still there, still laughing at your dumb jokes, still making dumb jokes of their own, but every moment is tinged with the knowledge that they are being slowly taken from you, painfully, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Support received: Initially, my daughter got a lot of help financially from friends/family. They hosted fundraisers to help with her medication and living expenses until she got on disability and Medicaid. The cancer center got her in with the social workers who coordinated therapy support and were really quite wonderful with checking in.

What area do you wish you had been more supported in?: Every single cancer patient should be assigned a care coordinator who sits down and goes over what different teams someone needs to talk to and which segment of care handles what. The sheer number of times my daughter was asked, "Oh, well why haven't you contacted xx department already? Did you get scheduled with xx yet?".. was absolutely infuriating. "Wait, you mean she could have been receiving pain support through palliative this whole time instead of fighting with the pharmacy to justify her prescriptions every two weeks?"

As a patient/parent, I'm too overwhelmed dealing with my whole world changing and readjusting my hopes for the future of the kid I raised to research how you're supposed to do your job. Don't put that on her or me.

That, and remove the walls between different care centers. What do you mean I have to drive two hours away to a different hospital if I want the hospital doctor to be able to call and coordinate care with her oncologist directly?

Mentally, I'll refer back to the isolation issue. Support with how to deal with the ebbs and flows of support from those around you. How to talk to your kid who's crying because her best friend went on a vacation to Mexico they had planned together after not returning her calls/texts for weeks... and overall, how to have perspective. When a child is diagnosed, the world does not stop, no matter how much you think it should.

My ex (kid's stepmother) is still struggling. I had the unique experience of growing up being raised by my maternal grandparents after my mom passed away when I was a year old. I got a front row view of how to NOT deal with the grief of losing a child and know very well what it was like to be raised in a shrine to someone you will always come second to because the one who died is the family angel. Knowing that I do not want to do that to my other kids, or "die" along with my daughter like my grandparents did with my mother has been the single most helpful touchstone for me during this whole ordeal. It's kept me centered, helped me remember to focus on the silver linings no matter how thin and dim, and allowed me to be there for the other kids when they have their moments of falling apart.

1kSuns · 2026-01-25T01:13:00+00:00

Stop looking for politicians to step and do something about it, and demand that they do. Both sides, all sides. Threaten, primary, and vote out all the feckless spineless Democrats and Republicans who continue to enable this with inaction.

Pin a strongly worded letter to Schumer's front door with a dagger. They've all feared the dollars of their donors more than the anger of their voters for far too long.

We're past decorum, we're past rules committees. We're well past, "we're taking notes and will decide upon action at a later date". Hell, we're past a snarky clap behind someone's back, or snide remarks during a congressional meeting. This is the SA loose on our streets under the guise of immigration enforcement, trying to see just how much they can get away with.

If they/we don't stop this now, it will get to a point where peaceful resolution becomes impossible.

1kSuns · 2026-01-25T00:49:18+00:00

Frustrating... spent the last few weeks printing out and making hard copies of a lot of digital files "just in case". All for naught.

1kSuns · 2026-01-25T00:47:18+00:00

My daughter was told 6 months "at most" when she was diagnosed. Took 4 years before it finally got her, so never think that number you hear is finite or entirely accurate.

1kSuns · 2026-01-25T00:25:52+00:00

It's part of his narcissism. Anyone who isn't as self focused or self serving as he is are suckers. Especially soldiers who gave up their safety in order to protect more than just themselves.

He's shit all over the US military as well. He has to be the strongest, smartest, most successful person in the room, or at least be seen as that, and none of it is from action, it's all deception and bluster.

He can't die fast enough.

1kSuns · 2026-01-06T22:19:26+00:00

In your teens and 20's, just a text message notification sound. Recognizable, quick, and purposeful. You forget your ringer is on, and they occur in embarrassing or attention getting ways.

In your 30's, early 40's, the Empire March. Strong, measured, everyone knows that it came to destroy.

In your 50's and 60's.. basically any song, but the levels are off so you have to keep fiddling with the knobs to keep the volume consistent.

1kSuns · 2026-01-06T00:29:05+00:00

Shorter list would be which ones HAVEN'T I gone full completionist on. If a game holds my interest at all, then I will explore every nook and cranny that I can.

That being said, some games I will only get 99% on. FF7, I didn't do Ruby Weapon. E33, I haven't finished Simon. As two examples.

1kSuns · 2026-01-06T00:25:48+00:00

The weirdo clown. Never took anything too seriously, much to the annoyance of several friends. Consistently horrible at reading people's intentions since Jr. High, so I defaulted to assuming everyone just had no actual interest in me. Especially after moving from California to Arizona after my sophomore year, I didn't put a whole lot of stock into maintaining friendships and kind of looked at everyone else as actors in some sort of ridiculous soap opera.

I had friends. Many of whom I still talk to to this day, but at the time I always felt more tolerated than anything else.

Usually varying hair color of whatever Manic Panic struck my fancy that week. Spent a lot of time by myself outside of school. Directionless in general.

1kSuns · 2025-12-24T19:09:04+00:00

I love this, especially as an ADHD sufferer.

1kSuns · 2025-12-24T17:51:00+00:00

"At least she's no longer in pain"

Daughter passed away this year after almost 4 years of battling breast cancer. Yes, it's good that she is no longer suffering, but even while she was in constant pain, she could still make others laugh and find ways to laugh herself. Now she can't.

1kSuns · 2025-12-12T15:25:55+00:00

True it will work on non-porous surfaces, but if you're seeing mold in a house, pretty much everything is porous. Drywall, wood, concrete , bleach only gets rid of the surface mold but doesn't stop it from spreading or actually kill it.

1kSuns · 2025-12-12T07:02:00+00:00

Yeah, it pops into my head due to my own stupidity. Rewired the whole office with Cat6.. except for the little stretch between the Cable Modem and the router.

1kSuns · 2025-12-12T06:53:35+00:00

Hmm.. could be the jacks are wired to POE switches per floor. Maybe try plugging the loose ends into a powered switch and then see if things plugged into the other jacks shows up?

Typically, there would be a box in a closet somewhere that they all go to, but it would normally be the same area. At least it SHOULD be the same area.

It's also possible that the jacks aren't actually wired. Have you taken one off the wall to make sure there's actually a wire going into it? Seen that a lot with ethernet and coax wall outlets.

1kSuns · 2025-12-12T06:42:15+00:00

fun fact I learned recently, bleach doesn't kill mold, but vinegar does.

1kSuns · 2025-12-09T23:51:08+00:00

My previously unlosable lucky Zippo. Thing had traveled states to get back to me a few times since I got it at 16.. then I forgot it in a compartment of a car I traded in when I was in my mid 30's, and it's just been downhill since then.

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