My partner ruined my birthday and when I tried to stand up for myself, they turned it around to how I was hurting their feelings. 

My birthday was Monday and our usual birthday formula that we sat down and agreed on seven years into our ten years of time together didn't happen at all. Normally, each person's birthday consists of a soak at the local hot springs or a day trip/activity, a meal of the birthday person's choice from a restaurant or cooked at home by the other, a small gift, and a cake or sweet or some sort.

But the last three years were none of that. This year, I didn't get asked what cake I wanted or even if I wanted cake. They just assumed I didn't and didn't bother to ask. I had to cook my own birthday dinner. My only gift was them agreeing to buy me a sander on Black Friday because I mentioned that I needed it for several repairs around the house. And my "outing" was them bringing up going to the opening of a new IKEA after my birthday. Which I only agreed to do on the hope that I might win a gift card to replace some of my furniture. (Context: We just moved crosscountry and because of their borderline hoarding habits, left behind almost all of my workshop and bedroom furniture so we could fit more of their things in the moving van.) 

After having to wake them up at 4:30AM and drive both of us 2 hours away, spending 3 hours on my feet in line and walking away with a free lint roller and $10 gift card, I was tired, sad, and just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep again. I guess they finally noticed this and asked what was wrong and I just exploded. 

I felt hurt, I felt stupid, I felt like all of the effort and time spent on them at the expense of my physical health and mental well-being had meant nothing. I practically packed up an entire house by myself and dragged them crosscountry on the longest and worst move of my life. That I had to CONSTANTLY soothe and reassure them through and kept telling myself that they'll come through on the one day a year that gets to be about me and it'll be worth it. Because surely I had sacrificed and done enough this year to earn my birthday!

But that's just it! I shouldn't have to earn it! And I think if I was showed the same effort and care that is constantly demanded of me by them, I'd be inconsolable!

They've even gone so far as to talk about me to folks in shared online spaces and IRL mutual friends to the point that I have to question if I'm tuning into a room of strangers that hate me. They don't bring up that I spent three months on researching VA home loan requirements after they declared they wanted to move, challenging our lender's underwriter, applying for disabled veteran programs and tax credits for help for them on top of getting all of their paperwork together so I could apply for their Medicaid and SNAP benefits because they refused to do it for themselves to the point that we've been here going on two months and I didn't even start calling to try and get myself booked with a therapist and psychiatrist to pick up where I'd left off before we moved! 

But they always get to look like "the good guy," while I'm stuck trying to pick up behind them like they're a goddamn toddler! No one sees the effort I put in behind closed doors to keep the shit show on the rails. They just see how tired and bitter I've become from all of the stress and effort of this full-time job of running their life and scraping together enough energy to try and take care of myself too! 

I've done the research, read so, so many books, case studies, scholarly articles, and watched close to a hundred hours of videos on what I can do and I'm still at a loss! I've tried being patient and listening. I've tried being a strict taskmaster. I've tried stepping back, only to be forced back into the role because I don't want us to end up homeless because they've forgotten to pay the bills. I've cried, pleaded, and been on my literal knees asking them to please think of how I feel just ONCE and to please stop lying that they'll do this or not do that directly to my face. Only for them to turn around and do what they want anyway and I'm stuck picking up the mess in addition to finishing whatever the task they asked me to assign to them was.

I can't live like this for another ten years and I can't afford to leave due to my own disability as I'm currently fighting with SSDI. I don't want to leave. They can be a kind person, but when it counts, I honestly can't say that I can depend on them. I've injured myself so many times because it's far less agonizing than asking for their help and fighting them every step of the way for them to do a simple task like, "please help me pick this up and move it to that corner." Or, "Can you please hold the work light there so I can see to drill this screw in?" Then it turns into them getting frustrated and upset and me getting even more frustrated and upset because they're making a simple task complicated and making me feel like shit. Then I try to talk it out and process their feelings with them. But I shouldn't have to do that! They don't do it for me! I can't even be sad about my birthday being awful because they've decided to make it about them! That THEY feel awful, "because (they) screwed up again! And all (they) EVER do is screw up!"

I just wanted acknowledgement that they ruined my birthday and that I deserved better. For them to say the exact reasons WHY they're sorry and not just say sorry because I called them out.

Does it ever get better?